Monday, May 04, 2009


Anyone that knows me, knows that if there's one thing I'm not it's a "car guy." I don't really care anymore. That's why I'm a Honda man. I like an automobile that's reliable, affordable, low maintenance and efficient. I like a car for the simple purpose of transportation. I have noticed, however, over time that while I can't tell you cars that I love anymore (growing up it was Porsches...any Porsche really), I can now tell you cars that I despise. Like, when I see them, I'm filled with an unrivaled and unparalleled hate and detest. Strange, yes, I know. Even worse when I have any sort of infraction or near-infraction. I'm liable to come completely unhinged and punch a vagrant. Here they are, the top 5 automobiles that make j3 almost come completely unhinged and punch a vagrant. Starting at the top:


If ever there was an automobile that catered to the little man, it's the Dodge Ram pickup. With it's exaggerated front end and Cadillac grill to it's monstrous frame and endless customization opportunities, the possibilities for a little man to prove himself on the road when he has difficulty doing so at work, at home or elsewhere in society are virtually infinite. Like the above example, this man evidently thinks that not by its sheer stature alone does the Dodge make him the man he is, so he customizes it to the level of absurdity. And he'll justify such a wasteful investment with the one time he has to pull a horse trailer or the yearly July 4th parade where he has the local softball team sit in the back and throw Dubble Bubble to onlookers. Why is that almost every Dodge Ram I see is spit-shined? Doesn't anyone use trucks for work anymore? Admittedly, my hate for this truck is as much a hate for the owner. With few exceptions, I make the attachment of a "work vehicle" because the all I ever see driving them are tools. Around here, no customization is complete without a Texas Longhorn decal and a pissing Calvin.


If there was ever a car that absolutely screams unfulfilled potential and a lifelong struggle for respect, it's the Neon. Even the name sucks. Sorry, Jacko. The Neon is like the afterbirth of the Dodge Ram truck. It's the Dodge Dingleberry. They probably only keep it on the line so they can offer an automobile that gets more than 22 miles to the gallon. It's like the equal-opportunity employee in that way. It just helps them meet the quota. When you look at it that way, it's even sillier when you see them customized beyond the point of reason. Like the one above, the only word that comes to mind as I see the Lamborghini doors rise upward is, "why?" Remember, you can put a ribbon around a turd and it's still a turd. Nothing you can do to this automobile will make any difference in the fact (and it is a fact) that this automobile is the easily the biggest waste of plastic the world has ever seen. Lowering it and putting those shiny rims on it only makes it that much more of a poignant punchline. Stop trying, duke.

The next in a long line of Chevy's that are quickly adopted by the lower-middle class as the po' boy's Cadillac. First, it was the Caprice Classic, the Lumina and now the Impala. The new Impala is such a far cry from the original that, years ago, was eternalized by the likes of Dre and Cube that it makes you wonder what the point in making this automobile still is. Just call them a Malibu and move on. In the Yellow, it's fairly typical to see these in black or in navy and always with the windows tinted. No one drives the white, un-tinted version corn fields like the one above. The new Impala enables for any one from a thuggery influence to drive an automobile with a wheelbase longer than a Honda CRX without having to shell out the cash for a new Altima. Turn the music down, kid. It's still just a Chevy.

Back when Hummers were the official vehicle of the Army and the very example of rugged engineering and unstoppable force, they were dope. They were only a notion of what we all as adventurous types wanted in an automobile. Something that could climb walls and survive road-side bombs in the case that someone ever invaded West Texas, of course. Then, Ahnold started driving one and then the dream became closer to reality. It seemed feasible to own one and, seeing as Ahnold was driving one in California, proved they were street-legal. Hummer smartened up quickly and designed the H2 which could give you the feel of driving a Hummer, but also make it possible to fit in a garage. Of course, the H2 came also with TV's in the back of each headrests too. Then, so that they could put a Hummer on every block, the even further dissolved down the Hummer experience by chopping off another 20% of the mass and taking out the TVs and putting out this worthless and indestructable (and notably non-degradable) turd. The only thing of any worth in this is that it makes every nincompoop who drives one feel big enough and confident enough to drive like an absolute asshole and decide that just by their sheer size that they own the road. The Hummer H3 is like the little Hummer that tried and failed. It's what happens when evolution goes one step too far. It's like when you scrape up all the parts left on the factory floor and try to assemble an automobile that looks and feels like the original. The reality is this: it's not built for anything but trip to the malls, parades and picking up groceries and, in the case there's a roadside bomb, this thing would be sent to the moon. Stop playin' y'self.

There is no greater hate for an automobile on the road than that I reserve for Chrysler's PT Cruiser. Is it any surprise that every rental lot is exploding with these four-wheeled toilets? What started as almost a cute little concept car has turned into an ugly reminder of Chrysler's failures and how an American giant descended into its ultimate ruin. Not that it was solely the PT Cruiser, but let's be real here. In the spirit of American greed, Chrysler couldn't have just manufactured within their means and not past the demand of the buying public. They couldn't resist pumping out thousands of these stupid lil' maggots into the marketplace after the inaugural year was such a success. The result was a quick devaluation of the Cruiser, existing model's value plummeted out of the first year. Sales on the model quickly dropped and then lots were jammed with them leading Chrysler to one out--drop the price and move them quickly. And they did. Now every moron with a GED has one and insist on taking up the road with this little failure bucket. It just dawned on me that three of the five cars mentioned here are Chrysler products. And Chrysler's near defunct...any connection? Of course, what American automaker isn't on the brink of disaster?

1 comment:

sarahsmile3 said...

If I had to pick one to drive for a week, it would be the Lumina. I would gladly ride Austin's notorious #1 City Bus (which is full of drag rats and crazies making it smell of body odor and desperation) before I got behind the wheel of the tricked out Peon Neon.
Good post.