Saturday, December 27, 2008


In addition to finding boxers that fit, getting a hair cut, my back waxed and fixing that damn computer, here's my checklist for 2009:

Begin eating mushrooms.
Successfully silk screen a shirt.
Influence popular opinion regarding the current donut situation in the Yellow.
Run 5 miles in succession twice a week by end of the year.
Lose 20 pounds.
Give away 400 CDs.
Successfully silk screen a painting of James Brown.
Do a blog entry each day of June--30 posts total within the month.
Submit to a calendar company, a fully developed idea for The Root Down desk calendar.
Learn to shuffle cards.
Complete six mixes within the year (to include The Gangsta Boogie, The Buhloone Mindstate Breakdown, The Tax-Exempt Federal Income Tax Mix, The Christmas Sweater Mix Vol. 2 and my lovely wife's request for a mix about women).
Wear a full-grown moustache for a week.
Become more knowledgeable in Blues and the key components and players.
Follow up on the whereabouts of Roderick and Sean.
Read a book. Serious. Just one.
Find out what happened to my 10-foot jump shot.
Pass on all fantasy sports. Most specifically Fantasy Baseball. It's not worth the time.
Begin working on family cookbook. Again.
Begin playing harmonica.
Less coffee in 2009.
Cut back soda consumption to one reasonably sized soda a month.
Make my own sauerkraut by rotting cabbage buried under the ground.
Eat the sauerkraut.
Take two one-week vacations. Possibly one to Idaho and then to the northeast catching a Sox game and visiting New York.
Become salty in discussions about 1989 hip hop.
Have a garage sale and use the proceeds to buy a ping pong table to then put in that empty garage.
Go an entire month without sugar or sweets.
Use swimming as a primary form of exercise at the gym.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


I had a feeling it could happen, but didn't know it would happen so quickly. Yankees snatched up the Red Sox's top prospect, Mark Teixeira. Here's Brian Cashman with his new acquisition.

The Sox offer was reportedly $168 million over eight years. When Boras went public by claiming he had higher offers for his agent, the Angels bailed out, the Orioles bailed and the Sox claimed they had been outbid and were "not going to be a factor" in the signing of Teixeira. The Sox response was merely to call the bluff on the higher deal. Turns out there was a higher deal and it was from the Yankees. That higher deal was for $180 million over eight years. Now, when you're talking that kinda cash, what's $12 million more? Apparently, the world was in those $12 million and Teixeira has been exposed as a player that, one, wants to take the HOV lane to the championship and, two, money is the most important element of the game. The Yankees knew both of these to be true and customized a contract that would cater to him and assure them in signing him.

Some guy on TV just said that more people die each year from dog bites than from shark bites. That's completely insignificant. How many people have been chased down the alley by a shark? People are morons.

So here we go. After the Devil Rays clowned both the Sox and Yanks by winning the AL East with a quarter of the Yankees' payroll and with the entire world's economy in the toilet, they go out and shell out almost a half billion dollars for three free agents. And that was on top of already having the two highest players in the league on their roster already. And do you think they care that they're basically buying championships again? No way. Shameless. They could care less. And the players don't care either. I don't think the fans care. Not sure. And if you want to pin it on the Sox and they're spending, Sox finished fourth last year in spending and the Yankees spent 50% more than the Sox. Oh yeah, they missed the playoffs last year. Think that has anything to do with it?

I hope they go out and sign Manny. I hope they sign every other free agent on the market. Lock up everyone. If they win a championship, it'll be scrutinized for years. If they don't, they'll once again show themselves to be the biggest failure in the league. Cash rules everything around me. It rules Taxeira. It rules C-note Sabathia. It rules Payrod. It rules baseball.

It'll make watching them lose (even if it's only 30 times) so much sweeter and the Sox finally fall off the Most Hated team. There's still some good bats on the market. It's bats we'll need. Remaining free agents include Ken Griffey, Jr. (eh), Adam Dunn (maybe), Bobby Abreu (maybe) and others. We'll see.

And, if anyone wants to throw the Celtics into the argument for going out and acquiring KG and Ray Allen and winning a championship last year, I'd just add that the Celtics were outspent in 2008 by four other teams this year and last year. And, yes, they're off to the best start in NBA history with a 27-2 start. Domination. We got the Fakers on Christmas Day. It don't mean nothing unless you win in June. Still, it's freaking impressive.

Enough sports talk. Merry Christmas, everyone. Be safe. Love your neighbor.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


And his ability to dodge a flying shoe at point-blank range with the speed of a ninja is proof.

That's the move of a cat that's been through this before, nah mean?

What's great is when he comes up the first time, it actually appears that he's smiling like he finds it fun--like it's a game. He certainly doesn't appears SHOCKED which I would. Well, so ends this guy's term. There were some talking heads on last night shaming those who found this funny, but for a country that's endured this cat for eight long years, I don't know if you can blame the American public for finding it somewhat comical.

The year-end list is being prepared. Remember that, this year, you get the best hip hop of 1988. 1988 was a bad ass year. It was the genesis of hip hop's "Golden Age." There's some incredible records that came out that year. NWA, Public Enemy, EPMD, Geto Boys and on and on and on. All the names you know, all the records you loved. They'll all be there.

Shirts are going out to those who requested one. They'll be leaving today. Thanks for your patience.

Think I might be soon pledging my NFL loyalty to the Houston Texans. I don't have a team that I root for and I usually default to the Dallas Cowboys, but let's be real, everyone roots for the Cowboys around here and, many of them are of the white trash persuasion. Somebody's gotta go for the Houston Texans. Kool Aid reminded me that they've already been eliminated from the playoffs to which I replied, "I'm in no hurry. I can wait until next year."

Gotta get to work, folks. Stay up.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Fell asleep last night watching the third quarter of the Celtics/Hornets game. It was about 9:00 and I was on the couch. I'm getting older faster. Why in the world do I fall asleep at 9:00 on a Friday night? Guess my day's are just longer. Not only that, but I still haven't adjusted to the time change. Yeah, before you know it, it'll be spring and I'll already be adjusted back.
Woke up at about 6 this morning so, yes, that's a hearty NINE HOURS OF SLEEP which is tremendously more than I'm used to getting. As I delve deeper into Funkadelic's music, it led me to guitarist Eddie Hazel who is the floor of Funkadelic's groove. He's the true root down in all of Funkadelic's works laying down the foundation for almost every great Funkadelic composition. He was infinitely funky and, on the above pictured Games, Dames and Guitar Thangs he hits a creative crest with covers of the Beatles' "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" (Clint, dig on this), "California Dreamin'" and the original composition "Frantic Moment." Dude just killed it. This album is such a gem and if you're iPod, Zune or cheap Walgreens MP3 player doesn't have it, everything you say is suspect. I don't believe you.
Eddie Hazel died tragically like all other stupid rock musicians: he died young of liver failure at the age of 42 back in 1992, but what he left behind is a catalog that is rivaled by no other funkateer except for George Clinton and Sly Stone.
Celtics won last night taking them to 22-2...beating by two games their best start in franchise history with a victory over the Hornets. Cleveland also won again for the 11th time in a row. They're starting to have the look of the early 90s' Bulls teams. Yes, that's comparing Lebron to Jordan. Why not? The dude's sick. We play 'em in Cleveland on January 9th. Should be a battle.
Yankees signed another big-name pitcher (snores). You know, if the Yankees win a World Championship this year, it can't feel that good. In fact, if they don't win, it's the same thing. If you win one, you paid for it and doesn't truly show accomplishment, but rather that money ain't a thing and you can afford each of the game's top players. If you don't, then you truly suck. Angry Tim suggested that the Red Sox were quickly becoming that team. With the addition of Teixeira, maybe. We'll see how much that contract takes us up to. It'll be at least 20 million, probably. Let's not forget though that while the Yankees' money was seeing diminishing returns, it was Pedroia, Youkilis, Masterson, Paplebon and Lester that really drove that team after the trade deadline and that productivity was paid for with 11 million which is less than half of what the Yankees are throwing out for a guy who only plays in 20% of the game tops. That and three of our top five earners are on the trade block (Lugo, Lowell and Drew) and might be gone by year-end. Guess my observations still remain true: they really only hate you because you win.
You gotta wonder what Joba's thinking right now (you always gotta think what Joba's thinking right now...I know I do): "Wow, AJ and CC? Guess they don't really have much faith in me anymore."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


We took Jackson the Super Beagle and Tucker the Linebacker to the dog park this last Sunday where a Doberman attacked a Bloodhound, clutching onto the hound's lip/ear/neck. Not sure if it drew blood, but the Bloodhound owner sets off the Doberman owner by running up on the melee and, with a fury, lashes the Doberman with his leach to pry him off of his hound.

The Doberman owner, who has lived a life of failure and has an aggressive disposition because of it, grabs his dog and turns to the Bloodhound owner saying, "Don't ___ing hit my dog, dude!" The bloodhound owner returns, "Your dog shouldn't be out here." Let the games begin.

After a heated exchange that about came to punches, the Doberman owner insists he's not leaving. You know, I can't imagine where the Doberman gets his attitude. This is a chicken/egg type of scenario. Is the Doberman aggressive because his owner is a loose cannon who drives a Toyota Trecel and flunked out of high school only to spend more money than he could afford on a "tribal" tattoo that he would later resent? Or because of the tribal tattoo, he knows he'll need a dog to protect him like Simba from Lion King so he gets a Doberman? Either way, this dude is a prick and further represents the Yellow's failures as responsible pet owners.

Well, the long and short of it is that, after some more choice words and another scuffle, the Bloodhound owner (either being the "bigger man" or the first to simply give up) leaves, but not without a few last words to the Doberman owner. The Doberman owner walks around and apologizes to everyone because he wanted to appear like a reasonable and fair person.

"I'm sorry about that folks, but my dog never acts like that and we're out here all of the time."

Funny how some apologies are not at all apologies.
Mayhem, who had his Boxer out there, hangs back and becomes a "friend" to the Doberman owner who, I guess, just thinks that Mayhem's an edgy cat with an inferiority complex like him because Mayhem wears Oakleys and alot of black clothing.
About fifteen minutes later, two Greater Swiss Mountain dogs show up. These dogs are closer to size of horses than dogs. The Doberman begins dancing around the park doing fly-bys on the Swissies. I speak with the woman who brought the Swissies and let her know that she needs to be on alert because the doberman had already attacked another dog. The lady turns around and beelines over to doberman dude and confronts him. "Did your dog attack another dog out here?"
"Ma'am, my dog bit another dog, but we're out here every week and it's never happened before. Dogs get in fights occassionally out here."
She returns, "Sir, you probably need to leave."

Before you could say "Michael Vick," the Doberman climbs up on a Swissy and attacks. The woman pulls out her leash and lashes the doberman on the back breaking his clutch on the Swissy and she begins yelling at him, "You need to leave." From the wings, I yell, "Yeah!" because I'm too much of a wuss to confront the dude myself.

Anyway. Doberman owner still refuses to leave and now, everyone's really bummed out and getting aggravated by this cat because he's clearly just trying to prove a point that he ain't leaving because he ain't wrong and his dog never acts like this so it's no problem.
You know, there are the kinda people who follow the posted rules and then there are the kinda people that have a broader set of rules they subscribe to. I know it might not say specifically that "Dobermans are not permitted," but as a Doberman owner who has witnessed his dog get into three different fights, wouldn't it be easy to just to say it's not your dog's best day and just leave? Well, to the thinking population that doesn't act like twelve year olds, yes. But that's not this guy. I hope he doesn't have kids because there's no room in Texas prisons.

UNWRITTEN DOG PARK RULE #1: If your dogs get into a fight, leave and come back at a later time. If, at that point, your dog gets into another fight, seek training and don't come back for a long time. It's possible that your dog does not want to socialize and is being forced into these uncomfortable situations. I would also suggest cutting off his testicles with garden shears, showing them to him and then throwing them in the alley. That tends to take the edge off of an otherwise aggressive dog.

UNWRITTEN DOG PARK RULE #2: Dogs come off the leashes in dog parks. Leaving them on the leash leads to a heightened level of anxiety and the likelihood of an act of aggression is proporationately increased. Think I'm making it up? Do the math, son.

UNWRITTEN DOG PARK RULE #3: Your Doberman attacks my dog, duke, it might not be my leash that I use to ward him off. I might just punch him in the head with the butt of my hand.

UNWRITTEN DOG PARK RULE #4: Don't crowd the entrance/exit. Walk around deep into the park. It gives the park space and greatly reduces the chance of a fight or scuffle because it prevents crowding of the greeting experience. You'll spot a lazy dog owner by the ones that walk into the dog park and then plant their ass five feet from the gate. The dog park is the size of almost three football fields and they clutch the entrance gate like a kid in the shallow end of the pool.

UNWRITTEN DOG PARK RULE #5: If your dog marks my dog (yes, it's happened), I'll mark you.

In other news, Celtics are off to their best start in franchise history at 21-2. This team is so freaking good, it's scary. Still wish they had James Posey, but the bench is playing well. The East sure has some contenders this year. It would appear that the East is starting to rise again. Cleveland's incredible this year. Orlando, always-dangerous Detroit, Atlanta--they're all playing good ball. Got a sixer of Sam Adams for Celtics versus Hornets tonight. Word 'em up.

To continue with sports talk: it looks like if you lose one game, you lose everything in college football. Understanding that we got murdered at Oklahoma, but Graham Harrell didn't even get invited to the Heisman ceremony. He got to go to Disney World for the College Football Awards, but ended up just shaking hands and getting a little camera time but only as Michael Crabtree took home the award for the nation's best receiver and gave him a shout.

Here are the statistics for Harrell:

4,747 yards/41 touchdowns/71.5% completed/7 interceptions

Sam Bradford:

4,464 yards/48 touchdowns/68.6% completed/6 interceptions

Colt McCoy:

3,445 yards/32 touchdowns/76.5% completed/7 interceptions

Tim Tebow:

2,515 yards/28 touchdowns/64.9% completed/2 interceptions

Not only does he statistically match up with the best in the nation, but he led the Red Raiders to the most successful campaign in school history, led a last-minute drive to beat the Longhorns (the first time that the Red Raiders have beat a #1-ranked team) and then leads a comeback against the Baylor Bears with two shattered fingers in his hand. Dude didn't even get an invitation to the ceremony. For a cat that threw for over 15,000 yards in three years, giving him a pat on the head before awarding him with a career in the Canadian Football League is so freaking awesome. Once again, I side with Leach who claims the "non"-invite of Harrell is just "politics over performance" where Texas, Oklahoma and Florida were all represented, but Texas Tech left off the list in the same way we went from the "sexy" pick all year until we were embarassed in Norman then we fell to a "not mentioned at all." They love you when you're hot.

The big ol' Cotton Bowl for us.

The Yankees continue to court every great player in the league for their 2009 campaign. They got CC and now they're looking at AJ Burnett, Ben Sheets, Jake Peavy and Mark Teixeira. Some one needs to tally up their potential payroll for a starting lineup. I'm sure it's incredible. It never ceases to amaze me that the Yankees will always attempt to basically buy their championships. I can't say that the Red Sox haven't been guilty of a bit of the same, but bargains like Pedroia, Paplebon, Ellsbury and Youkilis help disspell that attachment. That's a farm system, folks. Something the Yankees know very little about. Whatever. Something's gotta give and it always will. Their dream lineups that they've been throwing out there year after year are showing diminishing returns and Jeter and PayRod are only getting older. Amazing that despite their efforts, PayRod still has no championship.

Sox don't want Varitek back, but they make an offer just to appear fair to their captain. I know alot of people hoping he doesn't take it. Mark Teixeira would mean losing Mike Lowell who won a World Series MVP in 2007 only to possibly end his career sitting on the bench with injury. Lugo for Eric Byrnes makes good sense to me, but as a fourth outfielder (see bottom right)? Maybe we get rid of JD Drew too and trade him in for some pitching to replace the now not-so ageless Mike Timlin. At least we still have Youkilis at either first or third, Bay, Papi, Beckett, Paplebon, Ellsbury, Drew and reigning AL MVP Dustin Pedroia coming back as the the youthful core. But it's gonna take some bats to compete against that Yankee pitching.

Is hip hop dead? I don't know but if it means anything, probably the worst records of the year were turned in from Common and Kanye. I mean, they're straight butthole. I wanted to say I just wasn't in the mood, but listened to them later and, yep, still suck. Either hip hop is dead or I'm just out of touch. Maybe both.

The name of the game is Funkadelic. I recommend some for everyone.

Saturday, December 06, 2008


I was going to wait until I had more next year. But turns out that I was just too anxious to hang on to this material for another year. So, I present to you a gift much bigger and better than any year-end list that I could possibly assimilate (although, I'm still considering doing that). It features everyone from Lawrence Welk to Eazy E, Paul McCartney to Atmosphere with, of course, a few treats in between. And, because not all of my friends believe that all words are equal, I edited it with Hanna Barbera sound effects so you'll feel more comfortable playing it around your parentals. Tis the season for alot of things, but certainly not the season for rampant expletives. It just bums some people out. Yes, I edited Eazy E. Love me or hate me, it took about two hours to edit that song alone. Hope it's worth the wait. De La Mix Vol. 2 is gonna need a little more time. At this point, it's next year. Anyhow, here's the tracklisting on the Christmas Sweater Mix. Roll your mouse over this right here to download. Check out this beast:

Booker T & da MGs "White Christmas"
MC Chris "Effin' Up My Christmas"
Darlene Love "White Christmas"
The Firm "Phone Tap (instr.)"
Lawrence Welk "Our Winter Love"
Princess Superstar "I Hope I Sell Alot of Records at Christmastime"
Paul McCartney "Wonderful Christmastime"
Canibus "Get Retarded (instr.)"
Gil Scott-Heron "Winter in America"
MCM "Chris Kringle Was a Black Man"
Clarence Carter "Back Door Santa"
Run DMC "Christmas in Hollis"
Amos Milburn "Let's Make Christmas Merry, Baby"
The Fugees "Zealots (instr.)"
Hard Rock "Christmas Bells"
DJ Kool "Let Me Clear My Throat (instr.)"
Wham "Last Christmas"
The Rap All-Stars "Last Christmas"
Blind Lemon Jefferson "Christmas Eve Blues"
Scoopy "Scoopy Rap"
Atmosphere "If I Was Santa Claus"
The Emotions "What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas"
Coldcut "Christmas Break"
Jimmy McCracklin "Christmas Time"
The Flirtations "Christmas Time is Here Again"
Dr. Dre "Still D.R.E. (instr.)"
MCM "Xmaz N Da Hood"
Vince Guaraldi "Skating"
The Pharcyde "Runnin' (instr.)"
James Brown "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto"
Derek B "Chillin' With Santa"
Blind Authur Blake "Lonely Christmas Blues"
Wu Tang Clan "C.R.E.A.M. (instr.)"
James Brown "Signs of Christmas"
Ike and Tina Turner "Merry Christmas, Baby"
The Staple Singers "Who Took the Merry Out of Christmas?"
MCM "Ebony's a Scrooge"
Dana Dane "Dana Dane is Comin' to Town"
Booker T & da MGs "Winter Wonderland"
Spyder D "Ghetto Santa"
Jimmy McGriff "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town/White Christmas"
Sweet Tee "Let the Jingle Bells Rock"
Eazy E "Merry Xmas"
Black On White Affair "Auld Lang Syne"

And I don't care what anyone says, that "Auld Lang Syne" is the very best version ever recorded. Thanks to the good folks at Light in the Attic for giving Black On White Affair to the people. They're mad dope.

Oklahoma smeared Mizzou to take the Big 12 Championship. I'm with Coach Leach in that they should've broken the three-way tie in the Big 12 South with the graduation rate of the school's football team. That would've put Tech on top at 79%, Texas at second with 50% and then Oklahoma at dead-last with 46% of their football team actually graduating. I mean, they're supposed to be student athletes right? Just proves that Oklahoma goes for strictly athletes and not academics which is why they're so powerful. They're basically a minors for the NFL whereas Texas Tech is true collegiate experience where academics are not only encouraged, but enforced. Whatever, though, brains don't make good television and sponsors wanted Oklahoma to go because they'd be a more entertaining football game...I mean, if you consider a 40-point lopsided victory entertaining. Of course, in the spirit of full disclosure, a Tech player got arrested in Lubbock for slanging cocaine downtown last week. Awesome work, dude. Rep us well.

Dude, why do all college players these days look like they're freaking 30 years old? They look like pro players. These are supposed to be dudes that, more or less, just turned drinking age, right?

Who knows what'll happen next year at Tech. Crabtree says he's thinking about staying. His dad says he's already made the decision to go pro. Leach is interviewing with Auburn, Washington, the San Diego Chargers (?). Tech offered him a 5-year contract. Harrell says that Leach is probably going to leave. Geez, all these headlines. We'll just wait until the dust settles from the Cotton Bowl.

Kris, got your shirt request. Unfortunately, I don't have any baby sizes so either put on weight or let me try some creative shrinking tactics. Sarah, you too. I'll do my best. Clint, I got you covered.