I FOUND HELL AT SONIC

Last night, before I left town, my lovely wife went out for dessert and my worst fears, most paralyzing anxieties were delivered to me in a paper sack...a brown paper bag to be exact. We come around the bend on a Sonic north of town and there in front of me...a PT Cruiser rally. Before me was a sea of tricked-out PT Cruisers. One even had Lamborghini flip-action doors. Another had flames covering the entire car. I look down the wrap-around and under the lights of Sonic are the shiny humps nearly fifty of these God-forsaken wastes of metal and American ingenuity. We pull through the parking lot so I can face my fears and what was especially horrific was that the owners of these garbage automobiles were excitedly prancing around and taking pictures and even handing out prizes, I would guess, for "most tricked-out," "most honorable to the brand," "best innovation of what is otherwise an huge setback for American automotives." They truly do exist: PT Cruiser enthusiasists.

In all of their pride, they absolutely took over that Sonic like, "Here we are." I felt like calling the cops to break it up. In fact, I thought it might be more suitable to call the Armed Forces to use their artillery on the place and just obliterate it in the way I used to stomp out ten roaches under one stomp in my second apartment just across from the lake. I saw chrome, neon lights, glossed hoods, woodies, Nascar logoing and more white trash than a thousand episodes of C.O.P.S. It was absolutely terrifying.

I'm looking for the next rally so I can catch them in the action. This is more dangerous than a Klan rally. In fact, this might be a Klan rally. I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, I'm planning a 2004 Honda Civic get-together unfortunately most of our members are busy channelling Vin Diesel like freaking teenagers as they top 80 on residential streets while listening to lousy hip hop and tilting their hats to the side. We probably wouldn't have much in common anyway.

Okay, now I'm really out until Thursday.