Sunday, October 18, 2009

BACK TO THE WAY THINGS OUGHTA BE

With the early and fitting exit of the Red Sox from the 2009 postseason, it really dawned on me that all of this Red Sox-this, Red Sox-that bandwagoning from the last seven or so years has finally corrected itself. The Sox just didn't have it this year. Hurt by underperformance of key players, poor free agent acquisitions and riddled by key injuries all year, the Sox were only in a position to surprise, but not win it all. As they began the year full-throttle, the Yanks struggled, but we knew that with all that money invested, in time that team would perform. Their second half would be unstoppable. The happy moronic A-Rod would return with his arms wide open like some messianic Scott Stapp characterture. His goofy equine-like gallop, Miami-Beach highlights and doh-faced interviews. Ah, heeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaack.

Back is the Derek Jeter fist. I mean, nothing says Yankee victory like the trademark iron fist. Little Boy Wonder even set the all-time Yankee hit record solidifying his position as a "true Yankee." Whatta laughable notion. He's not a "true Yankee." He'll never be a "true Yankee." You can't be a "true Yankee" without winning a championship. Whatever. Guess Don Mattingly will never be a "true Yankee." Anyhow, probably no questioning Derek's greatness when he was collecting championships like postage stamps back at the end of last century. There in their third longest drought without a championship in the history of the Yankees. What if they don't win this year? How long can Yankee fans live without a championship before they start jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge? 12 years? Less?

Thank goodness they're back, though. I'm tired of all this Red Sox hate. They love you one year, they hate you the next. I would just prefer indifference. Back when the fans adored them and no one else cared. No one else cared because everyone was too busy loving or hating the Yankees. This year kinda reset the AL East. The Orioles were back to the basement. The Jays were the potential upset north of the Border. The Rays were good, but not good enough. The Sox chased first all year and swiped the Wild Card and the Yankees ran away with the division and are likely to take it all. Probably without losing a single game.


Then there's Joe Girardi who goes from babbling new guy to quiet and confident mob boss putting hits on squealers. He's like Torre's mini-me. Sitting there with his arms crossed, subtly singling runners, looking just below the brim of his cap. He's like a character actor who just does it by imitation. And, really, is coaching a team that has more all stars than entire divisions combined truly that difficult? Don't you just kinda sit around and think, "Damn, this job is pretty easy." Anyhow, good job Joe Torre, er, Girardi. The only hard part of your job is wiping ol' man Georgie's backend after his monthly bowel movement. Okay, sorry, that was below the belt. Literally.

Then, there's this guy. Like the guy who showed up at the party at the very last second and didn't bring any beer but just drank everyone elses. I mean, in the true spirit of excess, adding Marky Mark and the Money Bunch to a line up that already included A-Roid, Gehrig Jr., Captain Clean Shaven and Godzilla seemed a little unnecessary, but remember, it's just about getting what the rest of the division (i.e. the Red Sox) can't.
Not that the Sox didn't want him. I mean, who wouldn't want this guy.

Then there's Nick Swisher. The fun-loving nucleus who sticks his tongue out and toggles between either a "hang ten" or devil horns. Keep it loose, have fun. Act like a moron. Work on a few new handshakes. High five the crowd. Work that "he loves the game" schtick. It worked in 2004.

Uh, whatever.
Yeah, then there's "act like you've been there before" Justin Chamberlain. He's a starter, he's a reliever, he's a starter, he's a reliever. Who cares. He's neither. He strikes out five and then blows a lead. He's the guy who pumps his fists like he's never struck out a .300 hitter before and has all those reel-ready huffs and puffs, poses and finger points to the heavens like he just wants his spot in the Sportscenter intro or SI cover. Someone give this dude his own sneaker and give him what he wants. Any tool who tells a cop after getting thrown into the back of a squad car for suspicion of DWI, "You know I play for the Yankees, right?" loves his place in this world a little too much.

And then there's Sabathia and Burnett. How do you fortify a pitching staff? Well, not only do you go out and get the most expensive pitcher on the market that no one can afford, you snag two of the most expensive pitchers on the market that no one can afford. Sabathia plays with such a fake zeal and wonderment like, really dude, did you expect anything less to happen? Stop screaming when you get out of a pinch and don't worry, you're gonna win a championship. Trust me. If you need any reassurance, just go into the locker room and read the names on top of the lockers and stop all your fist pumping and crazy mound antics. You've reached the promised land. Congrats. It's much easier here than it was in Cleveland. Just throw it on cruise and take a nap. Your ring will arrive in April.

Thank you, Yankees. For finally stepping up your game and rising back to the top of the East. Now the Sox can return quietly to number two and stop playing this spend-your-way-to-the-top game of Monopoly. For the Sox, the future's in the farm system. Make the right purchases. Win the easy ones and half of the hard ones and pitching, pitching, pitching. Just nice that we once again wear our hat with pride in the organization and not have to deal with the lame "Sox suck" comments around every corner. The Yankees now can own that hate again.

In the meantime, the Red Raiders once again rolled into Lincoln, Nebraska and rocked the Huskers who were #15 in the nation, 31-10. Longhorns squeaked out a win against the Bradford-less Sooners. Oh well. Guess Oklahoma really is good for nothing. Oh yeah, the Cowboys of Stillwater gotta good team. Should be the next biggie to fall when they face the Raiders in Stillwater in a few weeks. Might have tickets to the Raiders and Sooners in Lubbock. Would love to see the Raiders toss Bradford on that shoulder again. Have a speedy recovery, Sammy, we need you to play in Lubbock.

6 comments:

Kool Aid said...

Wow...someone sure sounds jealous. The Sox not very different from the Yankees. They just happen to be like the Yankees from the last several years. Pay a lot, and wind up with nothing to show for it.

Eric J. said...

This coming from the guy who rooted for the "idiots" who "cowboyed up"?

j3 said...

is that a problem? the whole yankee schtick is taken right out of the 2003-2004 red sox playbook.

TX said...

Um...I think there is a very notable picture missing from this entry...perhaps two.

john said...

We're all big spenders now, we just bought better toys

j3 said...

2009 salaries
yankees $201M
mets $149M
cubs $134M
red sox $121M
tigers $115M
angels $113M
phillies $113M

average team salary was $88M. i'm no mathematician, but that looks like more than twice the league average. we ain't all big spenders, johnny boy.