Saturday, February 11, 2006


ninja. actor. ambassador. visionary.

Just some lesser-known, but still quite important facts about our little powerpacked ninja ambassador from Texas. Brought to you courtesy of:

The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex.

Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.

When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, the bubblegum screams.

In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world. The dinosaur was purely coincidence.

Santa Claus didn't bring Chuck Norris a gift one Christmas. Chuck caught him as he left the North Pole the following year and roundhouse kicked Santa so hard the Earth tilted off it's axis and stayed that way.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris can count to infinity.

Chuck Norris becomes infuriated when he sees men cry or frown. Recently, he has been spotted at funerals, roundhousing grieving men in the face until their mouth is fixed in a cold, emotionless position. Chuck Norris is a real man, and real men do not react to life.

When Chuck Norris walks he rotates the world beneath his feet; he has never moved.

The opposite of peace isn't war; it's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris created pi in order to keep humans confused. While scientists and mathematicians attempt to terminate pi, Chuck Norris plots to terminate them.

Chuck Norris' facial hair housed 144 hurricane evacuees. It is not as much as the Astrodome but it has its own strip mall, police station, and dojo to practice kickboxing.

Chuck Norris' facial hair is known to cut diamonds.

Chuck Norris enjoys popcorn at the movies, but is always disappointed with the portions. Upon threatening management with roundhouse kicks they quickly introduced a new sizing scale for the buttery treat: small, medium, large, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.


1 comment:

TX said...

Correction. Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.