I'M GONNA PLAY STUPID FOR A SECOND

Today, my lovely wife was out running errands and she saw an morbidly obese woman standing at an intersection with a sign that read, "Homeless, broke and hungry." Now, I'm not a moron and neither is my lovely wife, but I gotta imagine that someone in the Yellow today gave that woman money. Now, I'll give her homeless, although, I would doubt she'd been homeless for long. But let's just say this woman ain't gotta place to go to tonight thus, technically, qualifying her for "homeless" status. And, probably not such a stretch to say that she could also be broke. People got money issues these days. Living ain't cheap. But as an overweight limit, you might have a difficult time playing the "desperately hungry" role.

Now, please don't misinterpret this as coldheartedness. I'm just trying to illustrate something. If you're a bum, I wouldn't suggest deception or lying as means of getting basics needs met. I mean, if I was broke, I'd just say, "Dude, I ain't got a penny to my name and if I can get a nickel from every person I meet, I might slowing start getting my life back in order. A nickel will do. And if you just want to give me pennies, that will work as well. And thank you for support." Turn a dollar into ten, ten into a hundred, hundred into a grand and a grand into an empire. But when you're overweight and your sign reads, "Hungry," try again.

About an hour or so later, I'm walking out of my front door and I see two dudes who are oddly dressed alike (in UPS brown from head to toe) walking down the street and upon seeing me, they turn toward me and approach with, "Hey, man. We just ran out of gas down there. Do you wanna buy a new phone? It's brand new." Okay, let's play stupid and assume the phone (that still has the plastic protective film on it) is not stolen.

First thought:

"I know gas prices must be really bad now if people are selling cell phones to buy gas. That's some expensive gas. Again, I'd consider just asking people for a nickel or so. Don't sell your phone for gas. That seems a little rash."

Second thought:

"Why don't you just use your phone and call someone for help? Maybe a pretty silly suggestion and I'm no survivalist, but if I had a phone, I might try it first."

Third thought:

"Being a walker, I'd probably spare myself the embarrassment of asking for gas money because I'm too stupid to put enough gas in the tank. Instead, I'd just walk to my destination. I mean, I walk three miles a day so what's a five-mile day? There's no need to go selling a phone, homie. Just walk."

Fourth thought:

"I can really afford such a nice phone for only $15?! Man, that thing is over $150 at the store up the block! You got yourself a deal, buddy!"

Fifth thought:

"Your carrier will just let you cancel your contract like that? Dude, I had to sign on for three years of service. Who do you use?"

Instead, I told the dude that I ain't got no use for another cell phone at which point he asked if I could just give him a couple of dollars for gas. At this point, I told the dude to get lost as he walked off mumbling over his shoulder. Again, I know they sold that stupid phone to someone today and to that idiot that bought the phone, congrats, you just gave hope to fifty more bums trying to sell a handful of sparkplugs to a blind lady.

I wish I had a sign on my chest that when a bum approached me, it would read, "I graduated from college," and maybe I wouldn't have to endure the silliness that comes with dudes trying to sell you stolen goods.

Track of the week: "Home of the Greats" by Black Milk off the bonus disc to Popular Demand. Thanks to Monster at Fat Beats for bringing the heat. Sorry, it's about four weeks late.