Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Look, it's not like I don't have anything better to do, but...


I recognized something a long time ago about one of if not the very best Country and Western plucker the world has ever seen. I'm speaking of the one, the only George Strait. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate George Strait. Wait, yeah whatever, I meant that. I hate him. And I have good reason to.

Well, maybe it's not that good of a reason, but it's a reason nonetheless and any reason to hate George Strait is a good reason. Here's my reason and, hang with me because it's on the math tip. I don't really have any strong grounds, I mean, it wouldn't hold water in court, but whatever, check it out.

Since 1981, this duke's released over 30 records. That's a rate that is unmatched except for Willie's whoring self trying to pay back the IRS. The difference between George and, uh, good and credible and believable Country and Western singers like Willie is that George is only going to give you ten songs at a time. I mean, you'd think that eventually dude would get a wild hair on his ass and he'd say, "You know what? I think this time I'm gonna give my fans who buy every piece of crap record I release one additional song for being so faithful." But, no. He doesn't do that. You get ten songs, you moron George Strait fan. Now go listen. You'll get ten more next year. It's funny because Led Zeppelin IV is one of the greatest records ever recorded and the thing was only eight songs. But that's all it takes. Then Zep turn around and release Houses of the Holy and it, too, was also eight songs, but then Physical Graffiti dropped and it was fifteen songs. And it was fifteen songs because, damn it, that's the way it had to be because it was Physical Graffiti--the very best Zeppelin record ever made, in fact, it was the best rock album ever recorded and any more would've spoiled it and any less would left you unfulfilled. But George Strait and his punk ass is giving you ten songs. Even if you might have only wanted six, you're gonna get ten. There's no artistic reasoning. There's no fantastic vision behind this decision. He just insists.

Here, check it. In 1981, it all began with the appropriately (and egomanically) titled Strait Country. It had ten songs. Little did we know what was to come. Next year, Strait From the Heart released and it too was only ten songs. Right or Wrong was also ten songs. Right or wrong, it was the formula and it worked. Then, there was Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind in 1984--ten songs. I can think of another classic record that came out in 1984, oh yeah, 1984. But George just crapped out ten more songs. Dude was so cocky that he titled his next year's release, Something Special, but let's be realistic, it was still only ten songs--it wasn't that special. Then, he got as tired naming albums as he did writing songs so he just called his next record #7 and, yes, you guessed it--ten songs. Then, because when you're as dope as George Strait, you have to release hits packages mid-career, but he still only gave you ten songs on his 1986 release, Greatest Hits. That same year he released a Christmas record, but dude was such a stingy Scrooge that duke only gave ten songs on Merry Christmas Strait to You. Next year, he released another ten song greatest hits package called Greatest Hits Vol. 2. Dude's a genius. Ocean Front Property--ten songs, If You Ain't Loving--ten songs, Beyond the Blue Neon--ten songs, Livin It Up (and although he was, you still are only getting...)--ten songs. And then, dude just ain't hiding it anymore. He actually names his next hits package Ten Strait Hits. Yes, that's the third hits package in five years. He wouldn't have to release so many if he'd just step out to fifteen a hits package. Chill of an Early Fall--ten songs, Holding My Own--ten songs. And, even though Strait's camp would contend that Pure Country (a soundtrack) was eleven songs, the last song was actually the theme from the main title sequence in the movie. Sorry, that doesn't count. That's another ten song album. Easy Come, Easy Go--ten songs, Lead On--ten songs, Blue Clear Sky--ten songs, Carrying Your Love With Me--ten songs, One Step at a Time (and ten songs an album because I'm George Strait, damn it!)--ten songs. Interesting thing happened in 1998 when he released The Very Best of George Strait in two separate volumes. Both were twenty songs a piece. A bargain by George Strait standards, but remember that twenty is divisible by ten. Still counts. Always Never the Same, ha, who are you kidding George? Always Never the Same? How are you gonna say that when for the last twenty years you've been releasing ten-song albums? Always Never the Same had ten songs. Another Christmas collection called Merry Christmas Wherever You Are in 1999 still only ten songs. How about a self-titled release in 2000? Yep, you guessed it, ten songs. Road Less Traveled--ten songs. Greatest Collection came out in 2004 and, in terms of volume, it certainly was. Forty songs in all, but yes, still divisible by ten. An unprecedented third seasonal record titled Christmas Collection released in 2005--twenty songs, divisible by ten. Then, in 2006, The Ultimate Collection dropped in two different versions. There was a two-disc version and a three-disc version. Guess what, they contained twenty and thirty songs respectively.

Boycott George Strait and listen to Nina Simone instead.

1 comment:

Jesse said...

I've never read your blog before, but that post was just flat out solid. You a funny man.