TODAY I HATE TWELVE THINGS...

And one is not this awesome picture that Clint sent to me without any caption today. Clint, thank you. At 4:35 PM, this is all I needed to make right of a wrong world and see me on my way home.

I don't know. I guess I need a HATE post because, well, I don't know. Maybe I don't need a reason. It's Thursday? Is that a good enough reason? F'get it. Here we go.

Today, I hate the kids that paintballed my car, my house and my front bushes. If I was at home when it happened, I would've hunted you down like the cowardly moron you are, ask that you turn the paintball gun on yourself and shoot yourself in the forehead from six inches away until you were left with a nasty headwound that just wouldn't stop bleeding. I'd then follow you home and when your mommy answered the door, I'd have you say to her, "I was a little punk today and got what I deserved. I shouldn't play paintball anymore. In fact, I shouldn't be allowed to hang with my punk ass friends anymore either. I would enjoy a long, sad life of solitude. I think that I would like to take up stamp collecting. Please help me get started on my stamp collection today, Mommy." Stay away from my house and my car or you might catch a bad one.

Today, I also hate cowboy hats. I find that not only are they completely impractical as headwear, but their also freaking ugly. And, I don't know how it is in your neighborhood, but the cowboy hat around here is a license to talk like a jobless dropout and drive like a idiot on meth. Maybe that's just the Yellow. Then again, maybe not.

Today, this otherwise glorious day, I also hate my next door neighbor who just put a blue lightbulb in the lamp out in his front yard. I'm not sure why he did. Maybe the blue is soothing. Maybe he's just publicly proclaiming his undying love for the Cowboys. I dunno. He's a great guy, but just does some odd things sometimes. This one's up there. Of course, he seems to have a problem with me mowing the lawn in a thong. Whatta party pooper.

Today, I hate Wal-Mart. Wait, that's everyday. But today I really hate Wal-Mart. I went in there for some business earlier today and I almost fainted. There must be some sort of retard gas that's emitted into the air ducts. I swear I almost panicked and ran out of there screaming. I look at an endcap and I see 55 little kids in Indonesia whimpering, "I wish my daddy could come home this month from the toy factory, but it's Christmastime in America and Wal-Mart needs more toys to sell." Then, one kid in the back murmurs, "I haven't eaten for weeks. I'm hungry." Then, I'm struck by the smell of sorta-potatoes deep frying in the kitchen of the attached McDonalds at the front of the aircraft carrier. Ah, Wal-Mart and McDonalds--one starves the world while another bovines it. That's a tag team you don't wanna play with.

Today, I hate lazy people. You know, the cats that like it'll all get done by someone somewhere and they're just on this planet to get in the way of progress and opportunity. No, I'm serious. There are actually people in this world that act like they're owed money for absolutely no work. I don't hate them everyday, but today I do.

Today, I hate people who park their cars in their yards. I think I ranted about this before, but I can't stand this. When you have a perfectly good driveway, you are not allowed to park in your yard. Even if you're yard is dirt, you cannot park on it. Even if it's paved and has a sign that reads, "For residence parking only. And you can't tell me what to do," you still cannot park there. Morons like you are the reason it's safer to rent. I mean, please don't do me any favors if I'm ever trying to sell my house down the block. I know everyone wants to live just down the way from white trash who thinks they still live on the meth farm. Park in the driveway or just ride a bike instead.

Today, I hate pencil beards. If you can't grow a real werewolfian beard that goes from your chin to your upper-chest hair, I would suggest just going through life without one (and playing for the Yankees--they're such class acts there). The pencil look is just lame and tired. It just screams, "I like Vanilla Ice and sympathize with Howie's visit to rehab." Actually, is there anyone that can still pull off this look?

Today, I hate race haters. Most specifically, the people who are passive aggressive in their hate. You know, the ones that will just ride that fence without saying anything too definitive, but in their avoidance of using the "n-word" (reminding me that I need to come up with a new word for the "n-word") they say even more bigoted things. Look, as hard as it would be for me to respect anyone for being a bigot and a racist, I'd probably have more respect if you'd just admit it. Stop acting like I don't know what you're talking about when you say, "Their baggy clothes just make them look stupid and uneducated." Oh and that goes for dudes like Glenn Beck who harp on and on about the war at our Mexican border. I hear you, homie, loud and clear. You don't like Mexicans. There's nothing political about it. There's nothing that you need to involve the senate about. You just don't like Mexicans.

Today, I hate the Eagles. Again, I always hate them, but today, I have unwavering hate for them. Everything Don Henley says from here on in is totally suspect. Once the hero for the common man, supporting earth-friendly initiatives and the little man, now serves only Wal-Mart. The Eagles signed an exclusive deal with Wal-Mart tabbing them as the only retailer for their new record Long Road Out of Eden. Apparently, the deal involved 3 million records and $20 million in cash to the Eagles. "Whore" is a word that I rarely use. Not only that, the Eagles still suck as musicians. Luckily for the world, Led Zeppelin's releasing a definitive three-disc package this month. Just so you can be reminded of what real music sounds like. However, it doesn't include "Gallow's Pole" or "Misty Mountain Hop." I ain't hating though.

I hate those stupid Colorado Rockies fans. I was remembered today when some Rockies fans at Coors Field accused me of being a "fairweatherer." Pretty hard accusation coming from a Rockies fan. Yeah, not a fairweather fan in that city!

Today, I hate hospital dramas. Maybe this strike will mean less hospital dramas like ER, House, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I know I might be in the minority here, but I just don't find much entertaining about spending hours in a hospital watching people in distress while nurses and doctors hook up. I'd rather be patrolling the streets (and trailer parks) with the COPS crew.

Lastly, today I hate contemporary jazz. Everytime I hear it, I want to projectile vomit. That's not jazz. It's not even music. It hardly even qualifies as sound. I'm talking about the Manhattan Transfer, Kenny G, the Rippingtons and Fourplay. You're a disgrace to all that preceeded you. You have misrepresented the music to millions and it's time for you to finally stop. Your music is that which is played in a dirty bathroom in a Wal-Mart in some suburb in the eighth chamber of hell. It seriously makes me ill. If you're reading this and your a fan of contemporary or smooth jazz, please please please go buy Miles Davis' Kind of Blue, Herbie Hancock's Maiden Voyage and John Coltrane's A Love Surpreme then melt down all of those crappy contemporary jazz CDs into one large, massive plastic ball and bury it twenty feet under the earth's surface.