STILL TRUE IN 2008

It's early in 2008, but despite only being a week in, I've arrived at a few truths that still hold, uh, true in the new year.

MEN HAVE TO INVESTIGATE ALL SOUNDS IN THE NIGHT

Last night, my lovely wife awoke to a loud crash and one Jax bark. It was my job to find out what the commotion was. I then proceed to walk through the house--going from a dead sleep to a frantic fists-up position--armed with absolutely nothing. Now, killing spiders is one thing, but searching the house for an intruder in your boxers is something completely different. I found nothing and determined that her crash, I determined, was only part of a dream. However, when I entered the dining room, Jax was standing there looking at the back door. Yikes.

TECHNO IS STILL NOT MUSIC

It doesn't mean you can't like it, but I'd hesitate before calling Techno music. Techno is a mathematical arrangement of blips, beats and boops. It lacks heart, soul and character. Again, I have some Techno in my collection, but that does not mean it's music. I'm not saying that Daft Punk isn't music--I'm saying it's not Techno.

THERE ARE NO "MIRACLE CURES"

There are "miracles" and there are "cures." But there are not "miracle cures."

SNICKERDOODLE COFFEE IS GOOD, BUT NOT COOL

If you want to lose your man badge, order a cup of Snickerdoodle in front of your bros. Here's the deal, it's a fantastic bean that blends together a number of flavors to achieve the cinnamon-sugar cookie taste. It's awesome with a dash of honey. But I'll tell you this, realize that real men drink black coffee from tin cups. By drinking Snickerdoodle, you forfeit at least 55% of your manhood. If you have to drink it (and trust me, sometimes I do--it's alright to admit it), do it in privacy. And if you're in line and are asked to order it, I would order it with a pencil and a Post-it note. Better to be discreet.

VINYL IS BETTER

If you don't support vinyl, you don't support music. In this digital day and age, music was the first victim. We've taken it from long-form media to a fast-forwardable media (the cassette) to a track-skip media (CD) to a only-purchase-the-songs-you-want media (MP3). Here's the deal, vinyl is the ultimate proving ground for musical content. It lacks that crisp quality and the ability to effectively fast-forward or skip tracks. If it sounds good in analog, it's a great record. If you don't get impatient, it's a good record.

NICHOLAS CAGE IS A DUMBASS WITH STREAKS OF GREATNESS

But he's still a dumbass. It helps explain Ghost Rider, Snake Eyes, Gone in 60 Seconds, Face/Off and Con Air. Look, I love Nicholas Cage. In fact, I'm a Cage apologist. Look at his work in The Weather Man, Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation, Lord of War, Bringing Out the Dead, Matchstick Men and, never forget, Raising Arizona. But let's face it, instead of being the great actor with occassional mishaps, his career is a mishap littered with occassional greatness.

COPS IS STILL THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION

They can't touch us. It's real reality. It's unedited, unapologetic and void of a narrative. It's a give-to-me-straight-doc account of the rough streets and trailer parks of America. And still, for the entertainment-starved individual on the run, there's no beating the quickness of COPS--it goes from initial call to the chase to the tase to the arrest all in seven minutes. There is no better bargain on television. Especially when you consider that even great football games take three hours.

YOU CANNOT ROOT FOR A COLLEGE TEAM IF YOU ARE NOT FROM THE TOWN OR ATTENDED THE COLLEGE

It's just wrong. Collegiate teams should only be followed by those who attended them or grew up in the same town as them. For instance, I'm from Lubbock and attended Texas Tech. That only entitles me to root for Texas Tech. My neighbor was born in Amarillo and didn't go to college and he roots for UT. I'm sorry, you cannot root for UT. Look, we need to set some hard rules because, ever since Notre Dame football took over the airwaves in the late 80s, we've blurred the rules of collegiate allegiance. You can't follow a collegiate team in the same way you pro teams. Pro teams can be selected. Yeah, it sucks, but someone's gotta root for West Texas A&M.

It's Friday. Go listen to vinyl.