Tuesday, March 14, 2006


As all good things must eventually come to an end, so must my beard. In it's early days, it was my way of getting out of doing any unnecessary grooming--shaving only about once a week, just to keep it from crawling to my forehead or down my shirt. Yet, once I arrived in the mountains this last weekend, it provided warmth. That is, until I strapped on skis and started tearing down the mountain at 20-25 miles an hour. Then it became a curse that I wore upon my face. A hunk of ice, snot, saliva and hair. Before it dreaded, I thought this would be a nice opportunity to finally chop it off. And now, about an hour later, there's nothing but the very thin hair on the top of my head.

But it would be too simple and boring to just shave it off. So I did it in stages, entertaining a couple of facial hair configurations that I would really never wear just to see what it would look like.

Firstly, I present to you Jake:

Typically a much more aggressive creature, Jake watches Nascar, likes hanging out in auto parts stores and trains his pit bull to kill on command. While he's not much the ladies' man, he more than makes up for it in his manliness. He's been known to kill medium-sized predators with a quick strike of his rock-hard elbows and has had legendary drinking binges that have lasted months.

Next, I present to you Johnson:

As cool as it is to have a last name as your first, it's even cooler to have a caterpiller like this fella. He leads a fairly wholesome life. He's spent time in various capacities within the police force and loves coaching his son in his PeeWee baseball league. He has a 34" waist and can name fifteen different types of common screws. His favorite football team is the Denver Broncos and he enjoys Coors Light more than any other beer because the darker beers cause his ulcer to act up.

But rather you prefer Jake or Johnson, no one does it like j3. You're enjoying the j3 Spectacular.

Gigantazoid j3 Ski Extravaganza post coming in the next couple of days. You don't wanna miss this. Now, I gotta go unclog the sink that now holds a portion of the sweater that occupied my ugly mug for the last two months.


sarahsmile3 said...

seriously, I almost peed myself just now.

TX said...

You get two, count em!, 2 honorary spots in my Mustache March 2006 folder under the titles "Jake the Stache" and "Stache Johnson". Nicely done. Thank you for leaving out the obvious child-related fears oft associated with the Stache. Fear the Stache...FEAR IT!