BARTOLO ARRIVES AND WINS...DAVID WINS THEN DEPARTS...OUT OF MY LIFE.

The Sox finally got a chance to see Bartolo Colon (spelled like your sh*tsack, but pronounced like "cologne") in action. Homie came in from Pawtucket last night and pitched a beauty against the Royals. Yeah, I know it's the Royals, but we're taking baby steps with Bartolo. It's his first start. Probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, but at least he won. It would've been a lot different if he lasted only two innings and walked off the field crying. Dude looks really heavy. I really shouldn't talk, but I mean, homie put on even more weight since I last saw him. Whatever. Bart can't kick the donuts. I love donuts, too. I did notice a Bartolo's striking resemblance to another sports superstar last night.

David Cook won "American Idol" last night. Thank God I can finally see him walk out of my life (and, more importantly, my lovely wife's life--before we celebrate our sixth anniversary). Dude started crying and all. My lovely wife was like, "Aw, look...he's so sensitive." I'm sensitive too. But I don't cry. I punch through walls. Snap necks. Yeah, good for him. I hope it ruins his career. That's probably why he was crying. "I tried to lose, but you all still gave me the title?! Are you trying to kill me?! I wanted to be Daughtry! There goes my career!"

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I don't appreciate dukes encroaching on my marriage. I just want him to disappear.

On another note, I can't stand watching "American Idol" anymore. It's just a two-hour Ford and Coke commercial. I don't have a problem admitting that I used to enjoy it. Probably less for the performances, but more for the peripheral cultural discoveries about how catty and fickle the American public can be. The constant battle of love and hate, popularity and rejection, boos and cheers, going from the "new sweetheart" to "get the hell outta here." You gotta give it to my lovely wife, at least she's loyal.

I'm just glad that pipsqueak "Little" David didn't win. Dude was mad annoying. I like how they called him "Little David" and Cook "Big David." Ha. Like he doesn't have a complex already.

Why am I talking about "American Idol"? Gotta go to work.