Wednesday, May 23, 2007

THINGS THAT SUCK...

Let's start with my beloved Celtics.

This team was so bad this year (how bad were they?) that not only did they post the second worst record in the league (which included a team-record 18 game losing streak), the second best chance of securing the number one or two draft pick in last night's lottery, the Celtics sucked so bad that not even the lottery was on their side. Their first pick will be the fifth overall. That's when you know you suck. Not that it was his fault, but I'm going to, once again, call for Danny Ainge to step down from his position in the organization. A once storied franchise is now the laughing stock of the league and Paul Pierce (our last remaining promise of the victory--see far right above) is about to jump ship. Once he's gone, the Celtics will fall into a tailspin that they won't recover from for decades. Get me Kevin McHale and tell that Opie-muddah to hit the trail. This ain't no lemonade stand, it's the freaking Boston Celtics.

Let's talk about other things that suck.

How about The Hills Have Eyes 2. This piece of crap sequel is so horrible that I watched 80% of it in fast forward. Look, I have my rules for horror movies (see below) which I wrote right after seeing the first Hills and Wes Craven, the king of modern horror, managed to stumble over almost every one of these rules. It was a slow, boring foot chase. I'm getting too old to waste time with chasing. Get to the killin'!
I'm still waiting for a studio to contact me and offer me a job writing a horror flick. I'd gross more than any of these stupid movies out there. I'd make the Titanic of horror. Dude's ain't even ready. I'd be sonning these fools. And for those who forgot the rules to horror, recognize by clicking the link below.



http://therootdown.blogspot.com/2006/03/how-to-horror-beginners-guide-on-doing.html

Let's see, what else sucks? Oh yeah, to that white Chevy pick-up that ran the light last night at I-40 and Georgia. You deserved the full view of me flying the finger flag for your recklessness and unlawful actions. Unfortunately, you're family didn't. Maybe you can explain to your kids why daddy got the finger from a pedestrian and explain to them that it's less severe than being pinned under the vehicle that flipped because their daddy drives like an idiot.

Oh, and to dukes in the silver Mustang who think that I didn't hear you cowardly yelling at me from across six lanes of traffic heading the opposite direction, I heard you, punkass. And I'll answer you the same way you chose to communicate with me--anonymously. Next time, I'd like for you to pull right in front of me, hop out of your car, walk up to about four inches away from me and yell the same thing at the same volume to the small space between my eyes and see if you get the same result. You should've stayed in school, son.

One thing that doesn't suck are my Red Sox which, behind a nice 3-run homer from Manny, beat the Spanks and some dude named Mike Mussina. We got Schill going tonight against birthing-hips Andy Pettitte and it's televised, baby.

Humpday, here we go!

1 comment:

K-Fleet said...

HHE 2 was a far cry from the originals, but still not as bad as some I've seen. I wouldn't call it a complete failure since I was able to sit through it and not feel like I got totally ripped off, although there were parts I felt were total bullshit. I guess it just comes with the expectation of what horror movies have become, and the marketing behind them. Expect it to be a rehashed failure and your experience can only improve. You nailed it, horror today is so watered down and caters to certain ages that seeing a blatant, over the top gorefest in a big theatre is almost impossible unless it's retro night. Ode to the late 60s thru the 80s for bringin it raw.