DOG PARK RULES

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP ALL CRAP, BUT AT LEAST TRY


There's a distinct difference between recognizing crap and picking it up. Some people think that simply acknowledging the crap happened suffices. Unless you have a genie that sweeps down and grabs a turd from the grass and then makes it disappear when you say, "Oh, look at Franklin crapping," I'd suggest you bring a plastic bag and get to egg hunting. No one likes to do it, but no one likes going home from the dog park with a layer of dung attached to your treads. At least attempt to pick it up. If it's too runny, just smear it around a bit. Mixed with a little dirt and grass, it's harmless.

MY DOG IS NOT YOUR DOG'S HUMPING TOY


Let's get something straight here, if your dog goes round on one of my dogs, your boy might catch a bad one. There's only one dog that either of my dogs like getting humped by and that's, of course, his brother. Jackson likes Tucker's work. Tucker likes Jackson's. If you ain't family, there's no mounting the hind quarters. And, owners, there's playing and then there's unwanted sex act. Know the difference before you walk into a dog park.

DON'T CROWD THE ENTRANCE/EXIT


This one's relatively easy yet why in the hell is it never observed. Here's the deal: dogs go where people are and, if you stand around the entrance then your dogs will stand around the entrance. And, before you know it, there's two football fields of room yet everyone's crowding the entrance and then someone gets in a fight, then everyone goes home bummed out. Move around, encourage your dog to run the perimeter. Give me some space so I don't have to knee a dog in the chin just trying to get in.



TUCKER IS NOT UNO AND JACKSON WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN


Look, it's not that Tucker doesn't appreciate the recognition, but he's already a little tired of the Uno comments. Don't bum rush him saying, "Mommy, it's Uno!" Truth be known, Tucker told me that he resents Uno because he has submitted to the oppression of his owner in the interest of recognition and fame. His win at Westminister is a victory for Uno and only Uno, but is a staggering loss that has set the entire breed back 200 years. I then heard him utter the word, "Sellout." Jackson, on the other hand, is only partially beagle (the markings being the obvious attribute). For that reason, he doesn't carry the resent that Tucker does, however, he'll eat your children. Please ask before you allow your child to run up on Jackson.


SPANK YOUR OWN DOG


If, by chance, dogs become involved in a scuffle, you are only allowed to spank your own dog. Owners will have the tendency to play referee of the kingdom and might overhandle all dogs involved, but if you lay a hand on my dog, you'll probably catch a beatdown. Or at least a stern talking to. You may pick up your dog, spank, beat, yell at, but leave mine alone. I'll take care of mine.

HUMPING IS NOT PLAYING

Let me clear up any confusion here: humping (if not for procreation) is a display of dominance. For that reason, it could be very easily interpreted by the simple mind of a dog as a threat or challenge. Again, my dogs don't typically mind getting humped by their brother (totally sick), but your big ass lab cannot hump Tucker. He'll snap. Please don't try to play me as the party pooper either because I don't like my dog getting rubbed on. If you can't take your dog off of Tucker, then I'll do it for you.

FIGHTING IS NOT NATURAL

What's up with standing by while dogs rumble? I see it all the time. There will be a fifteen dog melee (because everyone's crowding the entrance) and all the owners will stand around for ten seconds before anyone does anything. Step in, pull your dog out and repremand it. The notion that fighting is just their way of getting to know each other and their bounds is played. I certainly hope they're not raising their kids the same way. I don't let my dogs fight. Sorry.

AGGRESSIVE DOGS SHOULD BE LEFT AT HOME

It's pretty simple: if your dog has anger or aggression issues, the dog park might not be the best place for you. Rotts, pits and heelers and should probably not be at the dog park. If you need someone to tell you that, you probably shouldn't even own one of these breeds. The dog park is reserved for dogs who can control themselves around others--animal or human. I saw this cat out there with two pits one day and, to his credit, he didn't even take them off the leash, but what's the point? Don't be dumb. I know you want to play too, but sorry, it's what you get for owning aggressive dogs. That's why I buy beagles. That and I don't have to worry about lawsuits.

SMALL DOGS SHOULD BE LEFT AT HOME

I've seen countless morons bring new puppies out there. I realize that you're excited about your new puppy and you want everyone to see your new dog so they can say things like, "Oh, look at the cute puppy!" or "That's the cutest puppy I've ever seen." Sorry, though, the dog park is not the place for this. If Jackson goes up on his hind legs like Silver and then tramples you're little furry spawn, it's not my fault. It clearly reads on the sign that no dog under six months is permitted. Take it to your neighbor's place, but the dog park is for grown-ups.

IF YOUR DOG KICKS MY DOG'S ASS, I'LL KICK YOURS

Look, we nice and all, but don't cross us. We roll deep.