Friday, February 01, 2008

THERAPY SESSION #2: I REALLY HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL ISSUE WITH SMALL DOGS

If I really cared, I'd try to be more diplomatic about it, but I don't. I hate small dogs. I just really can't stand them. I don't even consider them dogs. Hell, I hardly even consider them animals. I know this might put me on the outside of a few social circles and might make me unpopular with a few dog lovers. I'm sorry. If it upsets you, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you don't own a dog--you own a rodent. I guess, I should least qualify what I'm talking about. Jack Russell's and up are safe. A Jack Russell is clearly and definably a dog. I'll admit, I'm a fan of dogs bigger than the Jack breed, but Jacks I can get with.

If, however, your dog can get his ass whooped by a rat, it ain't a dog. Dogs are hunters by nature and should be able to easily negotiate the life of vermin. Some are even capable of killing animals twice their size. Small dogs however, are susceptable to being killed under the foot of a human by accident. That's lame. The other day, I was in a Home Depot purchasing a new fan and I saw a woman who was clutching somewhat stealthily to a small hairball and I started thinking that if you can smuggle a dog into a Home Depot, it is not a dog. She kept whispering in its ear things like, "It's okay, baby," and, "Mama loves you." Was the dog in some sort of trauma? Was the Home Depot experience too much for this delicate animal? What's "okay"? Those are things I would say to my dog only it was just hit in the torso by a stray bullet and was bleeding to death. This woman's walking with her dog in Home Depot and nothing else. That ain't no dog.

My brother told me a story of one of his colleagues who went on an Alaskan cruise and his wife insisted they take their small dog with them. Despite him disagreeing with the decision, she brought the dog. One evening, while on the top deck, the woman put the small dog down on the deck it began scattering about. The two were talking as the dog wandered slightly out of their immediate view. Next thing you know, a huge eagle swoops down, snags the dog in its slicing talons and flies away with the dog in tow--never to be seen again. I don't mind saying it--that's funny. It stands as proof that dogs should at least exceed a specified size threshold. If you're dog can be towed away by an animal with wings (that's not a pterodactyl), I would wonder if I really own a dog.

I'm a dog guy. I love dogs and I wouldn't let anyone tell me that I don't, however, in this uninhibited, uncensored therapy session, I must say that I absolutely hate small dogs. I'm more a fan of dogs that I can pet without risking injury to the dog. I like when I'm at risk of injury when petting a dog. I like lap dogs that make your legs fall asleep. I like dogs that can walk and keep up. If walking your dog involves carrying the dog in your arms, that ain't no dog. I like dogs that couldn't possibly fit in a purse. I like dogs who have bowel movements that are the size of coke cans--not Cheeto crumbs.

This is a dog. This concludes my Friday therapy session. I feel much better. Thank you.

Celtics beat the Mavericks last night without KG. We're now 13-0 against the West. I wonder if Kool Aid will start believing the C's dominance soon.

2 comments:

sarahsmile3 said...

Is a daschund a dog? They are known for their ability to hunt badgers and other hole dwelling animals, yet they are a bit on the small side. What are your thoughts? I think we are getting on (it's mom was abandoned while pregnant).
Oh, and we would not let it get fat and lazylike another weenie dog I will not mention by name.

j3ph said...

...like Celine?

Nah, a daschund is a fiery breed that has proven it's worth for now centuries. Not only that, they're not typically too small--most of the times more sizable than the mentioned Jack Russell. I would be very careful with their backs however. They're extremely susceptable to spinal injuries given their long frame and prominent backbone (most spinal injuries result from a broken tail). Maybe I'm just dreaming that.