APRIL FOOLED AND STEPPING ON A DEAD SQUIRREL

So, on April 1st, my lovely wife achieved greatness (she does everyday, but never with me as the butt of it). My lovely wife pulled the ol' Dogs-Are-Not-in-the-Backyard trick on me. I received a call at work after 5PM.

She says, "Babe, where are you at?!"

"I'm still at work. Why?"

"The dogs aren't here. They're gone. They got out sometime today."

"Uh, okay." I begin to walk around nervously and I develop a lump in my throat. "I'm leaving right now."

Now, this is where, as a prankster, you have to make the call--do you let it go forward and risk something worse happening in a panic or call it quits before it gets out of hand. Well, to her credit, my lovely wife took the high road and called off the panic after only 20 seconds.

After I washed my soiled pants, I went back to my desk and tried to concentrate on my work--futile by this point. April Fools' Day is like Valentine's Day to married couples, to me. I celebrate April Fools' day in small increments every day. That's why I'm so exposed to a bad prank because I'll never see it coming. I guess my lovely wife was teaching me the lesson that I should've learned about 12 years ago when I made my mother cry with the j3's-Never-Made-It-to-Work trick that I played on her. She freaked and started to go look for my overturned car on the highway. Yeah, I deserved it. And if I couldn't name a specific reason, I probably still deserved it.

Well, the dogs were in the backyard. In fact, Tux took up singing. Check this illness.

Ah, hound ownership.

The other day, I was walking across the street on the way to work in my Gump way. A car turned the corner and began making its way toward me. I spot the car out of my peripherals and, then turn my head toward the car just to measure up its location and speed. Then I feel something roll under my left foot. I look over my left shoulder to see a half-flattened squirrel lifeless in the road with my footprint across the top of it. It felt like gelatin with rocks in it. It was disgusting.

But as my dad would say: you can probably guarantee that your day will only improve from there.

Step on a squirrel today and enjoy your Tuesday.