MY WIFE'S CHEATING ON ME AND A DISCUSSION OF EARTH DAY

Instead of celebrating Earth Day this year as I have in the past with crapping in a plastic bag, dousing it in gasoline and lighting it on fire, I did nothing. Yep, I did absolutely nothing. My lovely wife was bragging about these canvas shopping bags that she bought at the market that will keep her from using plastic and paper bags every time she goes to the store. I guess I did nothing because I participate in an "Earth Day initiative" everyday. I ride. I walk. And despite some occassional gas, I come with pretty low emissions.

Let's get it straight, though. I don't ride to save the Earth. I ride to save money. The fact that it's also good for the environment is just a bi-product. I suppose I also ride for my well-being. I mean, when I started walking back 2005 partially for my well-being. But I don't ride for Mother Earth and, let's get something else straight, I don't ride because I love doing it. I'm not this guy.

When I started riding this thing, I stripped ever decal and sticker off of the bike because I didn't want to draw unnecessary attention to myself. And up at work, I was getting people looking at me like I was coming out of some sort of social closet. Comments like, "Ah, you ride?" If you mean like, "I rode this to work today," then, yes, I ride. Believe it or not (and I know this is going to sound crazy), I actually ride for strictly transportation purposes. I ride because it's faster than walking. If riding a giraffe to work was faster, I'd probably do that instead. I don't ooze with love for my bike like many do.

While on my way to work the other day, I happened along another person riding a bike. I wouldn't go so far as to call them anything other than that, but some might have recognized him as a "cyclist." I catch up with him at a light and, wanting so desperately to be left alone, I hide about eight feet behind him and, damn it, he hears me pull up and whips around to see me.

"What a great morning to ride, huh?"

I sit there wondering what he means. I mean, it's morning. A great morning to ride? Just to be polite, I reply, "Yeah."

But that "yeah," was really a "yeah?" Like, "Yeah? I wouldn't know because I don't ride, I only mount this thing and turn the pedals for about a mile and a half to my day job. And then I ride home. Is this a morning? Yeah. Is it greater than any other morning? I don't know. Would I ever be able to recognize this as a great morning to ride? Probably not. Better question: do you really know it as a great morning to ride? Or is that just simply small-talk between cyclist and you fooled me for one?"

Instead, I just replied with, "Yeah."

I don't ride because I love it. I don't ride for the Earth. I don't ride for political reasons. I don't ride for comradery or a belonging. I ride because it gets me from Point A to Point B four times as fast as walking. And, for the record, I find walking to be much more therapeutic. Even with the chance run-ins with bums or people screaming "Asshole!" from passing automobiles.

Speaking of dudes my lovely wife is cheating on me with, there's this cat named David Cook on "American Idol" (or "Idol" as I think they're calling it these days). He's trying to ruin my marriage and I want it to stop. Last night, my lovely wife was sitting on the couch destressed because she thought she missed David sing. It was Andrew Lloyd Webber night (I thought that dude died some thirty years ago from natural causes at the age of 150--turns out he's still alive and probably only 60 years old. What the?!). Turns out that the show slotted David for last on the show because, well, we all know that he's the real draw. I mean, I realize this kid's a threat to my marriage ever since I saw him sing "Billie Jean." He's good. He's too good, actually. He plays a guitar, he walks around the stage making love to the crowd, he does all these cool rock poses. He's after my wife. When he looks into the camera, I swear he's attempting to broadcast his adultering love signals to my lovely wife. I've even found myself screaming at the screen, "Stay away from my wife, you prick! I'm not going to let you ruin my marriage!"

He sang "Music of the Night" last night. Crap. I'll never get her back from him. I mean, "Music of the Night" is that song that just gets the women to weep, flee from their marriage and forget about everything. I haven't felt this kinda heat since Chris Daughtry was on the show. I mean, it's like when Curly Justin was on the show.

More later. But here's a picture of David just in case he comes up missing in a few weeks. My lovely wife told me this wasn't a good picture to use for The Root Down. What the?! Here he is. And, yes, I think he's gay. Actually, I'm just hoping he's gay. It's the only way I'll win my lovely wife back.That new Atmosphere record came out yesterday, When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold. A different record indeed. Most of the record finds Slug and Ant incorporating more live instrumentation. And, while I was becoming the biggest fan of Ant's production and was hoping to hear more of his beatmaking, the record is a beast. Slug is in prime form and, after two intense listens, it appears that Slug and Ant have finally made that record that will establish them as the best in hip hop. Of course, I'm a sucka and, even if it was a crap record, I'd swear it's best piece of music ever recorded so don't listen to me. Just pick it up yourself. Also, if you get your hands on the deluxe packaging, it's well worth it. It comes beautifully packaged with bonus DVD of live performances, a 36-page lyric/storybook and comes bound and spined like a book--all for $15.99 at your local Hastings. Bargain! Guess all those lies that distribution companies feed us about premium packages being so expensive to manufacture is just a bunch of garbage because Rhymesayers did it and did it for cheap. Heaping portions of kudos to Rhymesayers for, once again, leading the pack.

Sox are rolling with six straight wins. Guess those "Baltimore leading the East" comments were short-lived as the Sox have posted the best record in the league. Down to Texas on Saturday 2-3 and won 5-3. Sunday, we were down 0-5 and won 6-5. Tuesday, we were down to the Angels 1-5 and won 7-6. Pedroia's hitting .364, Youkilis is hitting .354, Ellsbury (Johnny Damon replacement) is batting .308, Ramirez is at .342 and Papi's climbing out of the cellar with a .181 average.

And, I'm not saying anything, but the Cubbies are looking pretty good too. They've won five in a row and are 14-5 overall. Bro Bro, since there's no way you can jinx or curse the Cubs and Sox, I'm going to call a Cubs/Sox series right now. Let's do it.

Go buy that Atmosphere record, sucka. Yep, that means you, Danny.