IT'S A FREAK-FOR-ALL

It's one of those days that just has me stunned at what a freaky world we live in. I'm just catching up on the news and I find out that besides having his World Music Award performance halted because of technical difficulties, MICHAEL JACKSON IS FREAKIN 48 YEARS OLD. How incredibly gross.

The sound cut out when he went for the high note on the chorus of "We Are the World." Yeah, that's about right--a fitting beginning to my account of what a disturbing, contradictory, phenomenally confusing world we live in.

Yeah, we're the world alright--that finds one of the largest retailers just giving the money to Salvation Army instead of allowing bell-ringers to stand out front of their stores for Christmas to "spare shoppers the potential discomfort of being asked for donations." Target just wrote a check for $1,000,000 to Salvation Army and basically said, "We'd rather have our customers spend their money on us than charity. Now, go away."

Of course, $1,000,000 is really nothing compared to what a Japanese pitcher by the name of Honda Mitsubishi might get paid by the Red Sox next year. In one inning of work, he could potentially pay for a third of my house. If two runners reach the corners before the first out, he could probably completely erase my mortgage altogether. That's sick.

I heard the Kevin Federline record today and it's insanely horrible. Dude can't rap, dude can't sing, dude makes no sense. Sad that he gave shoutouts to his "wife" when before it even came out, he was already divorced. Sorry, that's not sad. That's damn funny. My cubemate was telling me that he cancelled his tour because he couldn't sell any tickets. Ouch. I'm sure that label's loving him on the roster. Wolfmother outsold him almost 6 to 1 on their first week with almost no presence in the states. Proof that Wolfmother rocks as much as Federline sucks. Who are the 6,400 people who bought that record? With all the money that cat has, he might have bought that 6,400 units.

Clooney won Sexiest Man Alive for the second time. Dude, if they're desperate for someone to award it to, there's always yo man.

OJ's back in the news while touting his new television special, "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Wow. I love how the "if" leads one to a hypothetical notion, however, "happened" signifies truth. Interesting. Dude's shameless, I swear.

Another great retired running back who has yet to kill his wife, Emmitt Smith did run away with the best loser on "Dancing With the Stars." Who am I kidding? I love that show. But I gotta say, nothing was as refreshing as watching AC Slater do his damn thing. I mean, holy cow, that dude brought it down in a big way. I guess he can finally say that his sexuality is not in question. Convenient how that works for him. He's a winner either way. If dude had his jheri going, he would've whooped Emmitt, no doubt. I saw AC toprocking on one segment...gangsta! gangsta!

Okay, Mario. Sorry about the sexuality comment. I was clearly misunderstood. I'm gonna go spend time with my lovely wife. I suggest you do the same. It's a frightening world we live in.