Friday, January 12, 2007


Man, I gotta tell ya, the Yellow ain't got nothin' going in news. Last night, at the top of the newscast after a "check with the weather" (which revealed some embarrassing inconsistancies), we went to a community some 30 minutes away to report on a rash that some girl got on her tail end from sitting on a toilet seat at her school. That was our headline, folks.

Now, when the news is this slim, could we possibly just shorten the newscast? We're broadcasting to a metro area of almost 250,000 viewers about some girl catching a rash off a school toilet seat here! This is the same newscast that, while I sit here typing this, they're on their tenth minute into a segment about the new Girl Scout cookies. And the other 20 minutes of this half hour have been focused on the cold front coming through and an advisory to "be careful on the ice."

We need another severed head story.

I really must contact the news director here. This is an insult to my intelligence. Another filler segment they usually rely on is something I hear referred to as "Last Night's Laughs," in which they play a quick video of a joke from Jay Leno's monologue the night before and then they laugh like it was funny and then go back to the weather map. Even worse, they'll sometimes actually slow down to discuss the joke which is tremendously annoying. This morning, they played a Leno joke about the Dallas pizza chain who is accepting pesos for pizza and there's some sort joke about how fast food employees can't count regular American money and now we're making them responsible for another currency (yeah, my delivery's pretty dry, but it was a stupid joke anyway). Video ends, they return to our two delightful "newsanchors" who are giggling at the joke that wasn't funny and then the female anchor says to the male, "I hadn't heard of that--the pizza chain taking pesos," to which the idiot meteorologist replies, "Yeah, I think we need to send a factchecker out there to Jay's show."

This story has been all over the news for the last two days. And the newsanchors hadn't heard about it. I mean, I saw freaking O'Reilly talking about it yesterday and our locals want to cycle this story through a fact-checker. Horrible.

Crap, they're re-running the rash story.

Oh, now they're doing the KidCast where they bring a child to stand in front of the green screen and read the forecast. This is stupid. It's like a freaking circus.

You'd never think we were in a war right now watching this crap. No wonder Yellowians are so out of touch. They return to more Girl Scout cookies.

Found myself in Wal-Mart last night for work reasons. I heard they were running feel-good ads to help curb some of the negativity that's swirling around. I say they don't spend the money on advertisements and make their customers take competency exams in order to shop there. Only in Wal-Mart is the self-checkout slower than the regular checkout lanes. I should've just shoplifted the product because they don't prosecute any theft under $25. It would've been worth the attempt. On the way out, I about mowed over some lady talking to one of her friends in front of the exit door. Look, as far as I'm concerned, the exit at Wal Mart is a freaking emergency exit. I'm getting out of there as quick as I can before my brain cells implode and my sperm shrivel up like raisins. And if you're in my way when I'm trying to exit this hellhole, you better hope I have clearance of, at least, three feet because I'm an equal-opportunity assailant and I will not hesitate to put your ass on the ground. Politely move or I will impolitely help you move.

In other, more uplifting news, Bro Bro's moving back to Tejas. Congrats to him and his lovely wife. Off to work.

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