Saturday, August 04, 2007

I'M NOT AMERICAN BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY HATE JAMES TAYLOR

That's right, I can't stand the dude. I've known this for a long time and I apologize to anyone that is shocked by this revelation, but I'm not going to hide my hate any longer. My lovely wife would correct me with, "You don't hate him. You hate his music." I'm not really sure about that. I think I really hate him. As unfair as that might seem because, well, I don't even really know much about him personally, I hate his music that much that it has resulted in the uninhibited hate of the man himself.

The dude is a total cornball. That balding-adult-contemporary-just-a-man-with-a-guitar-and-a-song thing just makes my nerves completely unravel. It's annoying. I don't care how nice he is in person. I don't care if he's considered by most one of the greatest humanitarians of our time. I don't care if he has a number of charities he supports. There's nothing that can help his music not suck. Dude is straight hokey. I have no intention of going to hell, but I'm hoping someone can tell me whether or not they play his music in the cafeteria down there. I'm pretty sure they do. If someone can research that for me, that'd be great. His cheer-up-Charlie-things'll-turn-out-fine music is a poison that corrodes my ear canal and has been linked to spotting on my heart and a brittleness and weakening of my spinal cord.
My life will be no less because I have chosen to ban James Taylor from my life. What Jimmy can't do, Bob Dylan can so go save a whale or something. Go do something James Taylor would approve of. Put on his music and sway from side to side clapping your hands.
While I'm at it, let's just come clean. I don't like anything Prince has done since, uh, Sign the Times back in 1987. For those counting at home, that's 20 years ago. This man has got some serious people fooled. I like when he was like some asexual alien who sang about berets and doves. Alphabet Street, wherever the hell that is. Purple Rain. That's the Prince that I like, but when duke started singing about "Diamonds and Pearls," he kinda lost me.
This is the Prince I like.
The "not-quite-right" Prince. I mean, I even like "Batdance." But think of all those crap records: Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic, Musicology, New Power Soul, Old Friends 4 Sale, Chaos and Disorder, 3121, Crystal Ball, The Rainbow Children--these are really bad records. I don't really care if you disagree. If you had ears that properly received sounds, you'd know what I'm talking about. It's kinda like Stevie Wonder. The dude doesn't get a free pass just because he recorded Talking Book and Innervisions. He used to be able to crap classic records. Now, not all the talent in the world, could help him piece together a good recording. He can't even give you a good minute of music. If you heard A Time to Love, then you know what I'm talking about.
While I'm at it, I hate the Eagles. I hate everything about them. I hate Don Henley. I hate Joe Walsh. I hate those other two guys. People absolutely worship these cats and I just can't make sense of it at all. A really decent country act, but a horrible rock outfit. The fact that these dudes get classic rock rotation alongside Bob Dylan, the Who and the Rolling Stones has led to many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling plotting horrible crimes against humanity. The Eagles are like the white trash's Led Zeppelin. It's for people who just don't really wanna rock. They just want to tap their foot. There's no danger. There's no soul. There's nothing interesting about their music at all. The breakfast equivalent of the Eagles' music is oatmeal. Just plain oatmeal, though, without any sugar or cinnamon. Just a greyish, tasteless mushy bowl of grains.
Wow, that felt really good. I have a whole list of artists who I ruthlessly hate. So if you're ever wondering, just make a request.
Don't ask how I came across the following picture, but to kick off your weekend, I thought it was important to post it. There's more to come. It's the great Richard Marx hanging out with a young-er Randy Jackson and Tommy Lee. How do these meetings happen? I mean, am I just completely out in the cold about Richard Marx? Is he at the helm of some secret society? I mean, Randy Jackson and Tommy Lee are just the beginning of a score of fantastic celebritie that Richard Marx has been linked to. But check out my boy second from the left. Dude just screams "dateless studio musician." In fact, maybe a woman. Not sure.
Looks like my Boston Celtics have gone from the second-worst (really, if you're saying second worst, you're just in denial of how bad the team really is) from favored to make the finals with the addition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen (Who has game, let me tell you. Ask Denzel). Eric Gagne called Boston the "best sports city in the nation" the other day. Wha? Boston?! Well, I'll tell you this, Opie has put together a better team than all recent Celt teams all the way back to Parish, Bird, McHale and DJ. I haven't really been this stoked about a Celtic season since, uh, since Reggie Lewis was rockin' it. One thing for sure, this ain't the Celtics team you're gonna see next year.
I gotta drop a serious mention to one of the better sites I've been to in a very long time. My man D-Nice (yeah, "Call me D-Nice") has a killa site. Seems like between the picture below and now, dude developed some hardcore photo skills and, with that as the foundation, has over the last three years or so put together a superdope site--especially for cats like me and Wil.
Wil, peep it. D-Nice doesn't disappoint. You'll be reading for days.
http://www.d-nice.com/

9 comments:

Norman said...

I think you are looking at Steve Lukather there - and don't come back with an "I Absolutely Hate Toto" post; you're better than that.

http://www.stevelukather.net/Picture.aspx?id=108

j3 said...

SCHOOLED!

Snow said...

Interesting to know.

Anna-Lynn said...

You are freakin' brilliant...I LOVED THIS. I was delighted to find that you also hate The Eagles as I do. I did not realize the heated debate that would ensue when I was called upon to defend my intense hatred of James Taylor with friends over dinner last night. When I also mentioned my utter contempt for the Eagles, I thought I was going to get lynched. You're assessment was spot on, my friend. I'm sending this to all my friends who haven't evolved musically.

T said...

I am completely on track with what you're saying. I can't stand Taylor, and everyone practically faints at the mention of his name. He's too much. Knife in my ear. Prince- totally accurate. Declined after '87. Latest albums not too bad... getting the funk back... he's got nothing lyrically without channelling his libido. And the Eagles? You killed me with that "white trash's Led Zeppelin" bit. If only you had continued with Nickelback and Linkin Park... but that bizarre photo of the unlikely foursome made up for it.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was alone in thinking JT the most anemic blues singer ever...OK, I loved sweet baby james when I was 15, but since then I have to turn off any station that plays Mexico, Mockingbird, Shower the People, and all that tripe.

Maty Byers said...

Although I do like the Eagles, I'm completely with you on James Taylor. I actually get headaches when one of his Christmas songs come on during my favorite time of the year. It's as if he's personally trying to destroy the birth of the baby Jesus. I've even had nightmares where the guy is my next door neighbor, and no one understands why his blandness being so close to my home is destroying my life.

Becky Landmesser said...

PREACH

Apocalypto said...

James Taylor is terrible.