j3 PRESENTS:: DONUT WARS: KRISPY KREME VS. LOCAL IDIOTS

This weekend, while in my hometown of Lubbock, I had the pleasure to enjoy a real donut at Krispy Kreme. It had been quite a long time since I've had such an opportunity because, well, the Yellow location has been shut down for quite some time. That's because pesky local donut slinger Donut Stop basically pulled out the "local" card in their negotiations (demands) with gas stations and grocers suffocating Krispy Kreme's off-site business and forcing them to close their doors. Public perception is that Krispy Kreme simply couldn't keep up with the quality of Donut Stop donuts, but truth is, the local Krispy Kreme franchisee was a little green and failed operationally. It certainly wasn't the donut.

There's overwhelming rallying behind a local donut shop that prides itself on keeping jobs in the community and puts the emphasis on pleasing the customer with "the production of a superior product, store cleanliness, and a friendly atmosphere." First off, their product sucks and is really only a donut whereas Krispy Kremes are far superior as the entire United States has made perfectly clear. Krispy Kreme's donuts have a standard of excellence that has been long-standing and their donuts are far beyond even the best local competitor. There are few in the entire nation that can claim a better donut than Krispy Kreme and, to their credit, it's taken them years to dethrone the champ. One such donuteer is not poured-from-a-bag Donut Stop in Yellow, Texas. Their icing is the same that put on birthday cakes and the donut itself dries out after an hour in the box. Krispy Kremes can be warmed up to greatness a week after purchase. And while they claim a clean store, I'll take fast service over cleanliness any day of the week. My lovely wife waited in line for twenty minutes one Saturday morning at Donut Stop. Their locations are complete chaos and so poorly run. They couldn't manage a line of five hungry customers so you can imagine what Saturday mornings are like. People in this town tolerate such incredible garbage service. Krispy Kreme's lines flew with a methodical and fluid management of both house and drive-thru business. You can start at the backdoor and be through the line in ten minutes tops. Not only that, you get a free donut just for standing there. Donut Stop's coffee sucks. Krispy Kreme's coffee is magnificent.

This truly brings up the paradox of this community. They'll insist that no outside competitor with a better product come in and take the local donut business and muddah's will be up in arms over this, yet (YET!) they're talking about building another Wal-Mart which ships entire industries overseas. That'll make five Wal-Marts in a community of only 150,000 people. But we buy our donuts local. B'lee dat. 7-11 wouldn't stand a chance in the Yellow because there's Toot N Totums on every street corner yet when a chain restaurant opens up in this town, the whole town shuts down and descends on that place like zombies. Most recently, it was Cheddars. When that place opened, people turned into col' morons. You would've thought they were handing cash. They did the same thing to freaking Furrs Cafeteria. But we still buy our donuts local. No room in the donut game for a better product. Some cats don't even know the difference between Donut Stop and Krispy Kreme because they've only ever had a Donut Stop donut. Let me set it straight:

KRISPY KREME'S ARE FAR SUPERIOR

I found this interesting video on YouTube of Donut Stop. Funny how they bit the entire Krispy Kreme schtick with the "how it's made" point of view for the customer. It's so played. Check it out--they even feature the fountain drink machine. Note the empty tables too.

I'm thinking about taking up my own silk screening so I don't have to shell out the kinda cash I just did for shirts in the future. I think I'll start with this shirt. I'll sell them for the same price as a dozen donuts at Donut Stop. People shouldn't even be eating donuts anyway because they're horrible for you, but I'll say this, if you're gonna take the plunge, do it right: eat Krispy Kremes. People in this town should demand quality, excellence. Not just what's available. And if Donut Stop wants to come at me for use of their logo, I'll insist they pay U2 and Interscope for use of "Beautiful Day" on their promo reel.

We gotta take the power back and it starts with this right here. In fact, once I print them up myself, I'm going to walk right into a Donut Stop just to use their restroom and then complain about the cleanliness.