Wednesday, May 24, 2006


So, yesterday I swore I was being divebombed by some of the neighborhood birds on my walk home from work. At one point, with my head down, I thought I saw a shadow of a bird just above my head. Then I thought I was hallucinating. No big deal. Hallucinations come and go all the time with enough caffiene.

I'm walking to work this morning, as I always do, Forrest Gump style. Except he's a wuss because he took the bus occasionally. I don't. Either way, I'm treking along and I come across the same place in the road that I had my hallucination the day before. I'm keeping an eye out just in case. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bird (a mockingbird no less) making a swift beeline directly for my head. Startled, I begin to duck away and...

Dude pops me right on the side of the head. I try and casually walk it off, but now I'm really on edge. I kept thinking, what if someone is watching me right now. I must look like a total moron. I just got taken by a mockingbird. I try and get some gut up, but I sincerely hate birds. I'm terrified of them. Just act cool, j3. Walk it off. No one saw it. I keep a watchful eye out for any more attacks. Perhaps like this:

As I look over a shoulder (all good pimps keep an eye over the shoulder), I see about twenty yards back a bird with wings fully extended and eyes locked in on me is heading in for the kill like a skilled warplane. That snake! He wasn't gonna be a man and come face to face, no he was going to bust me from behind. Actually, I suppose technically it was a female probably protecting a nest, but at this point, male or female, I'm thinking it better be dead. Quick. Aggravated, but still horrified, I start jogging. Not a sprint. Nothing too drastic that's going to attract even more attention to my awkward battle, but something to get me out of there quick. I felt like Gregory Peck in North By Northwest. That'd be second Hitchcock reference in this post alone. Monumental.

I know this punk's getting close so I brace for impact and this time it stung a little. If not my head, than certainly my pride. I feel the wind from the splitting wind first and then...


Sure enough. This time I think I caught a little beak. I grimmace and take off in full sprint around the corner. Who in the world does this bird think he/she is? I'm going to petition that, just for this crap, we finally revoke the mockingbird's title as official state bird. Bird's lucking I'm not revoking her life. It takes a lot to embarrass me, honestly. I mean A LOT, but when you look like this because you just got your ass handed to you by a bird that's no bigger than the palm of you hand...we'll put it this way...your day is just going spiral downward from there.

Sawx lost to the Spanks tonight despite a horrible pitching performance by the Lanky Yankee and two home runs from Manny. Sucks. Oh well, we're hanging onto first place by a half game. That and I don't look like this guy this evening.

You know, I know it's Hitchcock and all, but, really, for birds to chew a human's eyes out like that, he'd have to be drunk, sleeping or already dead. One thing's for sure, I know where it happened and who the culprit is.

I'm gonna take a different route to work, methinks. It's like I'm in junior high and I gotta bully. And then, on the weekends, I'm gonna park at the end of that street and film walkers braving that line of trees.

Chuckheads shoot for 10-0 tomorrow night. Maybe I'll fair better against our opponents (nemesis) Scott's Flowers. I know, only in this league can our biggest competition be a florist. I would think that the very suggestion of the florist team beating Chuck is not only laughable, it's punishable.

Check yo self.


Anonymous said...

OMG. Too funny! I laughed out loud three times! Walk tall J3. SD

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