Tuesday, February 20, 2007


I hate to break it to lotto players, but you will not win. You might have seen the winners on the television, you might have even gone to school with a winner, but you will not win. It's a fact--fact! A state's lottery is built on the premise that, one, people have money and, two, people are idiots. You are a victim of a very cruel game that will only have one winner--one out of a many-million in which you are a part of. The multi-winner situation even more of a rarity. It's a game designed to take the money from a million idiots and give it to one really lucky idiot. It is for this reason that I suggest that lotto players please use their money to tackle much surer things, uh, mortgages, electric bills, taxes, hungry children, flat tires, batteries and/or oil changes. By then using your money on more important items that play an integral part in our smoothly functioning society, you can then get the hell out of my way when I'm trying to leave town and I'm at the back of the line with no more than a dollar-bag of sunflower seeds and $10 of gas to pay for.

I saw you, Lil' Miss Lotto, at the front of the line trying to sneak five transactions into one--frantically scratching off lotto cards, exchanging used cards for new cards, blocking up the line so you can feed your nasty addiction to chance. I saw you blow $20 on cards. I saw you walk out your handful of paper--none of which was actually currency. I saw the look on your face as you blew, yet another, meal on scratch-offs.

I don't mean to sound to cold-hearted because, at times, I do feel pity. But when I'm in a hurry, I feel furious anger and your addiction which not only slows down the line, but society itself, is a little aggravating, I must admit. You have issues, no doubt.

I don't know if the probability of success is increased by this recommendation, but please let me suggest a bingo hall for your addiction. It's a very large, spacious smoking facility where they serve coffee and bingo cards for a small price and you can socialize with others who have the same addiction that you have. Not only that, your hope of winning is perpetuated every 15 minutes when someone yells, "Bingo!" I know you don't normally get to witness someone winning every 15 minutes at the lotto. Not only that, it takes you out of the convenience store (a place that, by your very existence within, ceases being a convenience) and puts you in a safe, well-lit facility that might not treat your issues, but it accepts them.

Please take my advice and stay out of my line.

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