LOVERBOYS: LESSONS IN SLICKNESS WITH THE LADIES

Truth be known: I was never a loverboy. I've said before that I married the first girl that showed any interest in me. I'm not sure why I was never so good with the girlies. Maybe I just hung out with the guys who were better at it. Maybe it was the cool ass glasses that scared them away (brass, baby!). Maybe it was that, for a while, I thought I was the Karate Kid and punched tree trunks as part of my training regiment. Not sure.

Either way, last week, my cubemate brought in a small piece of paper, a note card, that he found in his front yard while leaving for work. The contents of the scribble on this note card (real pimps use note cards, b'lee dat) are, quite possibly, the corniest arrangement of words I've ever had the pleasure to read. And now, thanks to David, I present to you, How Not to Get the Ladies.

Click to enlarge.

There's so much to comment on here and so much that needs no comment. I mean, assuming Don Juan doesn't even know who he's addressing here except that, maybe, he's seen her walking from her car to her house, this dude starts off with the line, "Any time you need a full-body, head to toe massage with my hands and my tongue..." I might be old fashion, but I might wait until after a couple of dates before using that line. He then proceeds through a number of pleasantries before, my favorite part, when he just gives up, "If you're seeing someone, fix me up with one of your friends" of "any age" (we've already alerted Chris Hansen and local police) and, I love this qualifier, make sure she "wears sexy panties and likes to be kissed all over." Because if not, I guess Uncle Luke here just wouldn't know what do with her.

"Just knock on my door and I'll do the rest." I guess ol' boy's like one of Pavlov's dogs. Like when someone knocks on his door, he just goes into sex mode. And just in case there's concern of someone else answering the door, he assures us that he lives alone (no kidding?) after his roommate moved out. Then, dude just puts his address down.

After shared with a number of individuals in our immediate area, we got some really good feedback on what our next move should be. Someone suggested that blow up this card to the size of a poster and nail them lightposts in this dude's neighborhood. Someone else suggested to pay a obese man to go over in panties and knock on the door. I suggested, of course, we have the card made into a all-over print t-shirt. Instead, we just went to The Root Down for all of you kiddies to enjoy. Sorry if you've lost your appetite by now.

Meet Kevin Wyrick. No, I'm not related to him, but I just wanted to point out the peculiar resemblance to Ralph Macchio. Never have I seen a man with so much hair on his head, but no eyebrows. It's just freaky. I bet he can take the hair off his head, roll it into bat or baton and then use it as a weapon. Dude was ahead of his time.Today's lesson is this: note card love is just played. If you got something to say, just tell a lady. If you want to proposition her for a head-to-toe massage with your tongue, don't tell her that one of her friends will do. This coming from Loverboy #1. Have a good Tuesday.