Saturday, July 07, 2007


It's been a discussion that I've had with a few of my close friends and familia lately. I'm not entirely sure why it's been a focus of late, but in the spirit of my continued ramblings without censor or limitations, I'm just gonna throw it out there and see if it sticks.

Look, the office bathroom is just a courtyard for confusion, perhaps frustration and, ultimately, an awkwardness that some never fully recover from. Some people go there to escape the harshness of office life, others are just passing through while even another group absolutely dreads going in there. Either way, it's 5:00AM, I just got done ready the local newspaper (flyswatter) to Donny Hathaway's Extension of a Man, I've officially entered the Hendrix power hour and I wanna talk restrooms. You might remember a past post that explored the phenomenon of the required space at the urinal in Volume 5 of "There's Always That Guy":

And, for a quick recap of all rules of the men's restroom, please watch the following educational piece.

Now, the foundation of these five completely inappropriate stunts is taking the above rules as described in the short educational film and annihilating them completely. By breaking the rules that have been set forth by generations before us, you not only create a platform for your own humorous exhibition, but you also help relax the standard day-to-day flow of office life. It's this spontaneity which has inspired me to share these practices (none of which have actually been practiced) with all of my faithful readers so maybe you too can be a source of entertainment to your co-workers and we can finally make the bathroom a place of delight and a safe space for political and social change. Maybe even emotional. This applies to men's room only since, well, I don't have any experience in the other. Sorry, ladies. I'm open to host possible opportunities in the ladies' room, however, someone would have to help me with the content.

Guys, we know we all do it. We crowd the urinals to avoid anyone copping a stare or just glancing. Especially when there's no dividers, it's vitally important that you almost lean into the urinal. Why do we subject ourselves to such torture? In fact, it's even worse when you consider the germs and bacteria that you're exposing yourself to by almost climbing into the urinal. I say we revert to juveniles and, in the name of self-sanitary precautions, count off your heighth on the bathroom floor, back up to that point from the urinal and then do you business. But you must make sure that someone's coming into the restroom before you do it so when they come darting around the corner, there you stand about six feet back from the urinal just going to town. Even better, when you see the unsuspecting patron, yell to them something like, "Hey, Craig, check it out!" Trust me, the resulting hilarity will make it worth while.

The obligatory "unused urinal" which most men require between themselves and any other patron is probably the most important aspect of the restroom experience. Every man would agree. I suggest taking the "unused urinal" rule and throwing it out of the door. Invade someone's comfort zone or security circle. If you're at the urinal and a buddy comes up two urinals down the way, tell him, "Dude, it's cool. I don't care," and motion to the urinal nearest to you. This action absolutely destroys the two most important rules of the restroom: no talking and no side-by-side urinals. Angry Tim had also suggested a stunt that could possibly shatter a friendship if pulled off correctly and that is to find a buddy using the urinal, come up from behind, wrap your arms around him and just give him a big ol' church camp hug. Be careful because this action could result in what I like to call the "donkey kick." Just think about your safety first.

While I'm by no means an exhibitionist, I can confirm with multiple sources that this stunt is the very ultimate in exhibitionism. When you're in the sitter, it's commonly held that you just hunker down and quietly go about your business. Normally, there's still no talking, in fact, there's hardly any movement. When reaching for the tissue, it's done very slowly and methodically like your disarming a bomb. The goal is to be as invisible as possible because, well, it's my guess that, in the same way that dogs appear shameful when doing the same business, humans are ashamed of the need to numero dos. My suggestion is to shake that discomfort of the public poo and just do it with the stall door open. In fact, just lean back and cross your legs in front like you're sitting in a recliner. When someone walks in front of the stall just say, "Whaddup, Craig. Man, how about that conference call, huh? That was brutal."

This one's tricky, but it can be done. Just know your subject before you attempt it. It's another unspoken rule that what happens in the stall, stays in the stall, but you've heard co-workers break this rule. You hope you're not the subject of such conversation, but if you had the green sauce on your breakfast burrito, you might have unknowingly thrown yourself into a realm of office chatter that no one wants to be a part of. I say, instead of being sneaky about it, just call the dude out on the spot. For example, you walk in and the smell just overcomes you. In fact, it almost drops you to your knees. You gaze under the stall door to see a pair of, say, navy blue Nikes that belong to your buddy Craig (I like the name "Craig" for this demonstration--I'm not picking on some dude named Craig). While Craig thinks that he's safe because he's being really quiet and keeping to himself, you come walking up and, to confirm your suspicion, you hop up on your toes to peek over the door. Upon recognizing that it is in fact Craig himself, you say, "Oh my gosh, dude. You're col' killin' it in here. What in the hell did you eat, homie?" Even better, if someone else enters the restroom, let them know who it is in the stall. "Smell that, dude? Yeah, that's Craig in there. Man is on fi-yah!"

Hopefully someone taught you how to pee and hold your pantalones up at the same time at a very early age. I met a kid one time who must've been about 15 and hadn't apparently been taught the finer things in life. This is a lesson that really must be taught to any tike long before they start operating the baby urinal (the one that no one uses). It'll probably be the first thing I teach my son. Imagine this, though. Imagine coming into the office restroom to find a dude peeing with his pants down all the way to his ankles. Yeah, real awkward. How do you handle that? I, myself, would probably go to the restroom on the other side of the building. That's like a biohazard. I mean, you go from a conference call or a financial planning meeting, turn the corner and you're all of the sudden staring down the barrell of a shotgun. The shock is enough to make even the biggest man break. The awkwardness would be long-lasting. You ain't looking that dude in the eyes ever again. You're avoiding him in the hallway. You take another route to avoid sitting next to him at the intersection. Next thing you know, you're turning in your resume to companies in other industries because you can't take the tension anymore. The pants (and drawers) at the ankles is probably the ultimate in a restroom awkwardness. If you decide to employ this technique, realize the ramifications.


TX said...

Nice recap. I would add the flair of dropping them to the floor AND rockin' from 6 feet from the urinal. This offers the horribly awkward possibility of the double-jeopardy visual. If you so choose, make it a hands-free affair.

Another good laugh is sitting in the stall and hearing your buddy walk in to the urinal. You quietly reach for your cell phone and call him while he's leakin'. Assuming he doesn't trump your prank and answer with his other hand, throw that phone on speaker and let his voicemail message ring out... "Hi, this is Peter and I'm sorry that I missed your call...".

The possibilities are endless. Well done, bro.

Dustin the Wind said...

You should send those into the people who write the Office. That's perfect for that show. Perfect. Nice explanations.

I personally like to do # 2 from 5 feet away. It poses more of a challenge.

Hi Todd and Todd's brother.