And, believe it or not, all of them are the passengers.
FIRST IN LINE
Is there some benefit to being not only in Boarding Group "A", but being first in line in Boarding Group "A"? You realize that the plane is not taking off until the last person's on, right? The only benefit I can see is being in exit row and you're one person fighting for, in most cases, one of only four seats. Grow up, relax, don't be a nincompoop.
4-FOOTER IN THE EXIT ROW
Look, I'll put it this way. The exit row is intended for those requiring extended leg room. If you are shorter than 6'3", you do not qualify for exit row seating. I mean, imagine if something actually happened and you had answered to the flight attendant that, yes, "You would be able to complete all of the tasks required of a person sitting in the exit row in the case of an emergency." If you do, in fact, take the exit row seat away from someone who actually deserves it, you at least owe me a look in the eye as I walk by. Look me in the eye, butthole. At least give me that. But don't put your head down like you don't see me cramped in the aisle as I walk by.
FILE IN, FILE OUT
It's pretty simple: you get onto the plane with your crap in hand, you locate your seat, you put your crap up and you sit down. If you want a magazine out of your bag, do that before you get on the plane. If you know you're not going to want to wear your jacket on the flight, take it off before you get on the plane. The faster this process goes, the better my flight is going to be. I absolutely hate standing in lines and even moreso when my head is bowed, my chin's in my chest because I'm too tall for the cabin and I have a person two inches in front of me and two inches behind me. Sit down, you moron. And, another thing, the seats are labeled on each row so if you're looking for "13A", you can actually look where "A" is on any row because they don't change and then, by the time you get to the thirteenth row, you can just plop your tail end down into the correct seat.
THE JUST-CAN'T-TURN-OFF-THE-iPOD PERSON
Your asked once and get one polite reminder. Again, you're stalling the plane from taking off. I don't know if there's any good reason to turn off electronic devices, but I know they ask you to do it. Since I'm not smart enough to fly a plane or patient enough to serve hundreds of moron passengers, I do what I'm asked. And I don't know if any song is that great that you just have to finish it. Turn it off when you're first asked and, don't be a dumbass, take the headphones actually off of your head so that there's no mistaken that you're not listening to the device. I know you enjoy testing people and are hoping you get asked again so you can say, "It's off! I just have the headphones on my head!" Stow it away, homeboy.
LIKE FAT JOE SAYS, "LEAN BACK RIGHT INTO MY LAP, JERKOFF."
As a general rule, look at the person behind you and evaluate whether or not you're gonna have enough room to lean the chair back before you so launching it back into their knees or, like me, my forehead. I stand 6'3" and there's not much room for someone else's torso in my space. At the very least, ask if it's okay. Maybe because of your thoughtfulness, I might actually approve a few inches, but if you're sitting in front of me, you can pretty much write off a full recline and a nap. Go to a seat where a gnome is sitting behind you. I don't shrink, fold or budge.
SLING-SHOT CELL PHONE
You know when you land and they say, "It's now okay to use your cellular phones," and you look around and immediately see crazy people firing off phone calls like they just couldn't wait to begin calling someone? These people are both intriguing and mad annoying. I didn't know there was a contest to be the first to successfully place a phone call on your cellular telephone after landing. What are the prizes? Is there also a prize for having the whiniest cell phone voice? If so, I have a winner.
VIEW TO A PEE
As a general rule, if you gotta window seat and there's two or more individuals between you and the aisle and the flight is no longer than an hour and fifteen minutes, you're gonna have to plug the urination. You're in a no-pee zone. You get one free pass on flights with a duration longer than an hour fifteen. If you're sitting next to me, I'll govern your liquid intake. "No, it's not necessary to give this person any fluids because I will not get up if they have to pee." Then I'll turn to you and say, "You're not going to die from dehydration in an hour. Take a nap."
KNOW WHEN IT WON'T FIT IN THE OVERHEAD BIN, HOMIE.
It's entertaining, but when you try a second time, you've become an annoyance. Knowing when a bag doesn't fit in the overhead bin is crucial for making my flight enjoyable. It's like simple physics, or mathematics, or observation. I've seen a guy trying to cram a bag four inches bigger in every direction into an overhead compartment and I just felt like standing up and asking him, "Are you retarded?" Abandon the mission while you still have some energy and your life. Because all those cats waiting in a line behind you are due in mere seconds to bum rush you and beat you with your bag. Check it next time.
Look, I don't like talkers--generally speaking, of course. It's not that I don't like "talking." I don't like talkers. You know the people that launch right into conversations from the time they hit their seat. Some start off subtly with, "Well, looks like we have a bit of a delay," while others just get right into the personal business: "Where are you heading?" I don't like to talk and, usually, have no problem projecting this to other passengers because, well, people just don't talk to me (unless its my lovely wife, of course). Even more annoying are talkers that project in such a way so that more than the person they're addressing can hear it. It's usually when they want others to feel the glow of their status. They'll talk about their new BMW, their job as a regional director for a large company, their downtown loft they just moved into, their strained shoulder which was injured when lifting a compact car with one arm. They yearn for acceptance and their abrasive conversational voice is a cry out for help. My answer is: "Pipe down and tell someone who cares. I'm not interested in dating you."
It's Tuesday. Which means it's the second day of the work week. Sox are down 1-2 to the Indians. Knew this wasn't going to be easy. Rockies are the team to beat...and root for, apparently. More on that later.