MY ANNIVERSARY...AND DONKEYS NAMED JAKE AND NACHO...

Finally getting around to an anniversary recap. My lovely wife and I, to escape the papparazzi and frenzy of needy co-workers, decided to make our weekend getaway the incredible and quite private Starlight Canyon Bed and Breakfast just south of Amarillo. Let me tell you, this place was the berries. We get to our cabin and the place is completely stacked. This is how real pimps roll, for anyone needing a lesson.

This brought me much excitement. Notice the unsightly bruising on my arm caused by an earlier teatherball incident in a heated match with my brother. The pain was substantial and people thought my lovely wife beats me. Actually, she does beat me, but I normally deserve it.

Starlight Canyon offered a number of incredible opportunities to interact with wildlife. They had a number of cats, two black labs, three goats, a small pond with fish and two donkeys--one named Jake and one named Nacho. Nacho's boisterous singing voice almost made me double over. The kid had pipes. I think he was little sweet on my lovely wife. Of course, I can hardly blame him, but dukes was all over her right in front of me.

I never met a Nacho that I didn't enjoy. We continued to make our way down the fence while Nacho creepily followed along and that's when we met Jake. I think he had eyes for my lovely wife too because at first, he was a little stand-off ish.

He came around. Animals almost always do with j3. Usually it's the fuzzy beard or sideburns that lure them in. They think I'm one of their own. Sometimes it's my ability to replicate the grunts and moans of most animals--an uncanny ability to communicate. Sometimes my breath smells like rotting dead mice and they pick up on that scent. Needless to say, though, Jake came around. And if you want proof, I have a rather embarrassing but convincing picture of Jake's "excitement" for me, but out of self-imposed decency regulations, I'm making the executive decision to not post it. But I'll email it at anyone's request. I give the good petting, though. Not only has Jackson come to realize that, but so did Jake.

Right after we took this photo, dude asked if I could score him some moonshine and tried to wiggle me into helping him escape. As friendly as I am with the animals, I'm not going down for this jackass. I'll call Edward Furlong though.

After we made friends (and almost partners) with the donkeys, we made our way over to meet the rest of the ark. Then retreated to our most awesome accomodations. Let me tell you, this place was stunning. The bed climbed about eight feet up the wall, the furniture in the living room was so heavy I almost snapped my back trying to move it around (which my lovely wife explains that this is one way of telling it's "real" furniture), the kitchen had everything you needed and the television came complete with digital satellite.

My lovely wife had made the most yummy spinach lasagne and I packed back about two portions of that before throwing on top of it a splendid chocolate fondue. You know, fondue's one of those things that is best to enjoy in moderation yet by the time it's over, I might as well have poured it straight down my gully. Speaking of pouring it straight down my gully, I had my girlfriend there with me: Saint Pauli Girl. She was tall, cold, skunky as ever and ready for the drinking.

After dinner, we played a few hands of cards (a staple on any trip). I schooled her, but on one hand I estimated scores and that basically voided out any chance I had at claiming victory due to technicalities. We busted open the Dom Perignon and drank it like Biggie and Lil Kim. Actually, we didn't. We drank a sip of it and decided it tasted, oddly, a little too much like champagne and decided to pour it out on our dead homies--really just to say that we did it. Thanks to John at TVT for making this dream come true. Had I drank that bottle, I would've been in some serious trouble.

After that, I swung the satellite radio over to the old school channel "BackSpin" and enjoyed a little MC Lyte, Whodini, De La Soul, Pharcyde, Jungle Brothers, Das Efx, KRS. Good stuff. We hopped in the hot tub and, like a cool guy, I got an upset belly and had to sit out. I think it was a combination of the hot water, the jets and, uh let's see, lasagne, fondue and beer. Yeah, that probably did it. I got back in after the vertigo had subsided and enjoyed it a little with the jets off. Yeah, I know, I'm a ladies man. I can't even enjoy a hot tub with the jets on. Col' pimp.

After that, we made our way down to the movie room where we browsed their surprisingly broad selection of picture shows. I was in the mood for something haunting and my lovely wife was down for whatever. So it was Boogeyman (the old one) and Salem's Lot. We watched Boogeyman first and, let me tell you, it was probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Freaking horrible. Apparently, there's no Boogeyman, only shards of glass. Trust me, it's terrible. Don't rent it. Actually, I didn't even make all the way through. That piece of crap movie was maybe just over an hour long and I still fell asleep.

Woke up in the morning a little droggy, but hungry like a mug (because I'm one of the "big and large" who they make special clothing stores for and likes to eat a hearty breakfast) Being that we're staying at a bed and breakfast and the bed portion was already enjoyed, the breakfast was next. What awaited me, besides a morning greeting from Nacho that almost made me wet my pants, was a gigantic breakfast at the main house where we were treated to fresh fruit, a cinnabun (that was amazing) and two eggs, two sausages, two bacons and about five cups of coffee. Yummy. After breakfast, we made our way around the main house and checked out some of the antiques which included an old pump organ. I attempted to play it, but looks like some kid got to it first and broke it making it just a nice fixture in the corner. There was also an old phonograph that actually still worked.

Let me just use this opportunity to tip my hat to the folks at Starlight Canyon and give them my full endorsement. Anyone wanting a nice bed and breakfast experience, I would definitely recommend them. Our hostess was incredibly nice and the accomodations were just perfect. The price was just right.

And, to my lovely wife, I raise my morning coffee to us. Here's to four wonderful years together and to a g'zillion more. Besides a great lover, my strongest supporter and a marvelous woman in everything you do, you're my best friend and you have been since day one. I love you.

Everyone, enjoy your weekend. I got Sox and a AAA ballclub called the Texas Rangers this weekend. I smell a sweep. We start the day in first place by a half a game. Looks like the Spanks got to enjoy first place for a total of three days. Hope it was nice. We'll send you a postcard from the top of the AL East.