THERE'S ALWAYS THAT GUY VOL 3

There's always that topical joke guy.

This guy's never managed to make anyone laugh and, while that sucks for him, what's worse is that his attempts at humor are so freaking punishing that you want to do him a favor and sew his mouth shut for him. For him, he'd be more funny if he was delivering the joke in sign language.

While I'm no humor kingpin by any means, I can tell you this. The "topical joke" absolutely screams, "Hey, I can use email!" That's exactly where he got that joke. And it's always ripped out of the headlines.

"Okay, Bobby, go ahead and tell me today's President Bush joke. Then tell me your Ben Roethlisberger joke, yeah. Yeah, also give me your side-splitting illegal immigration joke. And then your joke about gay marriage. Oh, don't forget your Paris Hilton jokes because, man, those are awesome."

Not only are they usually flat, old recycled jokes just with new names, but alot of times the teller risks really offending some people because, well, you're dealing with hot-button issues and people might really take offense. So, in the end, not only are you the annoying guy who thinks he's funny, but you're the prick that pissed off half of the party guests with your completely off-color remarks.

And his humorous venture is simply a schooling in recitation. It's nothing more than that. You read, you recite, you repeat. It takes very little energy and effort. Sometimes, I hear a friend tell one of these jokes and I cringe like, "Dude, what are you doing?!" Like, maybe, I should step in and stop him, but the jokes usually only take ten seconds to tell so before you can stop him, he's already committed social suicide. Then watch the people actually flock away from him like he just bassed and sent fumes flying. It's a phenomenon that is rather incredible to watch, but you don't want to see it happen to yo boy.

Ol' Rodney could tell a joke, man. Your buddy can't.

Warn him of the difference.

Here's some simple guidelines. If you're the unfortunate party guest to get blindsided by this fella, here's what to do.

1) Listen attentively, but not too attentively. Eye contact, absolutely. Maybe even a headnod, but don't go overboard. It'll send of the wrong signal and he'll follow you around all night filling your ears with his stupidity.

2) When funny guy arrives at the punchline, laugh only from your neck up. Don't go deep in your diaphragm for it. Just chuckle and say, "Oh, that's nice," turn between 90 and 180 degrees either to the left or right and walk away (creating the flocking away effect).

3) You might, during the course of the event, hear him telling yet another group of guests the same joke. Your best bet, if you hear him going for it again (these guys are a little thick-headed) is to divert your attention as quick as possible somewhere else because the pain you feel hearing that "illegal immigration" joke again will turn into aggression and it might mean you'll do something that will get you arrested.

4) Lastly and more importantly, make sure you never tell that joke to anyone. Even if you're trying to tell the story of the guy who told the joke. Don't do it. It's your job to make sure that joke is run into the ground and never told again. These are very dangerous to handle and the ramifications of having one in your possession can be, not only embarassing, but straight up crippling.