RON WHITE...AND HIS FANS

So, thanks to one of our wonderful distributors, my wife and I received two tickets to the Ron White concert last night here in the Yellow. I've seen him before at our sales convention a couple years back. Good stuff. Great entertainer.

Wait a sec, uh, wrong Ron White. Although he's still kinda funny.

Let's get this out the clear: I wouldn't, by any means, consider myself a fan. I mean, I like comedy. I like to laugh, but Ron's good-ol'-boy-scotch-and-cigar brand doesn't really fit me. Furthermore, this dude's fan base is only one development stage ahead of an embryo. You give them beer and you have a crowd that will laugh at anything. They'd laugh at this guy if he was talking about famine, war and death (no offense, Ron). I mean, c'mon, this the same audience that bought 13 million Jeff Foxworthy records (offense intended, Jeff).

Let me just make it easier. Here's the Dummies' Guide to the Fan's Guide to Attending a Ron White Concert. There are really only seven important things to remember to do.

1. Grow up in a small town with no political, cultural and/or ethnical diversity. Once you've done this, you're basically just a Nascar jacket and a domestic violence arrest from being a fan (and those are the easiest to acquire once you've reached this point). It doesn't really have to be a small town, but it makes your small-minded underdevelopment much more intense.
2. Get your drink on long before you arrive. Like anything, it'll be hard for you to have a good time if you're not drunk. Be careful walking to your seat though. If you lead on too heavily that you've been binging, they might not serve you anymore. Bring more cash than your used to spending on beer because it ain't gonna be too cheap and you don't want to be sitting there without a drink in your hand at anytime or your evening will become one long bummer that you'll complain about all night. And buy enough ahead of time so that you can keep your trips to the bar area to a minimum and make sure you don't get caught short. There'll be plenty of heavy drinkers like you and, man, once that well runs dry, you're party's going to turn into a quick walking hangover.
3. During the opening act, get your laugh warmed up. Test it out. See what inflection works for you. You'll have three level of laughs: the "snicker," the "belly" and the "whoop." The snicker is your "filler" laugh that you use when it's not funny, but since you're at a comedy show, you can't not laugh at any one point. It doesn't take much energy and works well for a pity laugh. The "belly" is the mid-level laugh that you'll use when it's genuinely funny, but by no means the funniest thing you've ever heard. You'll use this alot. It's the most natural of the laughs. Sometimes you'll find, that with your heavy smoking and drinking, this is also sometimes accessorized with a horrible cough. Beware: a tearful coughing fit could bum you out for the rest of the evening. The "whoop" is the quick reaction laugh that normally can only be achieved by a short punchline. Use this sparingly or you'll be catching a snooze by halfway through Ron's act. Make sure, to exaggerate the "whoop," you compliment it with a series of seemingly uncontrollable body motions: flailing in your seat, kicking your legs out so they kick the seat in front of your where a man and his wife are simply trying to enjoy the show, but can't do so because you're a pea-headed moron or the conventional knee-slap, but do it until either your hand is the color of raw meat or your knee is inoperable. Again, this is usually handled during the opening act.
4. When Ron comes out, you need to be at full attention and, despite what popular thinking and the comedian himself would suggest, interactive. You know the jokes because, c'mon, you're a superfan. You need to speak yo clout. Let everyone around you know that you know the jokes, you own the albums. Be alert though, those old punchlines can sneak up on you--especially because you've been drinking, but when you hear material from an old routine, yell a key word from the joke. Perhaps even yell the actual punchline. I'll tell you this, comedians love it when you beat them to their own punchline. Remember, everyone around you not only came to see Ron, but they paid their hard-earned cash (well, some of it was "hard-earned") to enjoy you enjoying Ron. If he has a catch-phrase, which all comedians do, yell it. For instance, during a quiet point, just belt out "Tater salad!" It'll be the link between you and Ron and then Ron will go through a quick inner-talk, "Yes, this audience knows me. They're familiar with my material. I might just do an encore." Of course, your interaction can just be a simple, "You rock, Ron!" Show your appreciation and, more importantly, bring the show to a screaming halt to do so.
5. In your immediate area, help others complete the punchlines. Especially the man in front of you with his wife who are just trying to enjoy the show. They might need help. Maybe not, but you have to make some assumptions. Helping others complete the punchlines means either, one, serving it up before it ever arrives or, two, repeating it after it's been delivered for added emphasis. Sometimes it's nice to serve it up before it ever arrives because it almost makes it seem that you, too, are a funny person. It makes you seem witty that you can link a joke to a punchline. Maybe you'll find a sweet lady to go home with because of your humorous qualities. Everyone around you, and I mean everyone, will appreciate your help throughout the program. Sometimes even we're too dumb to get trailer park humor.
6. The Ron White show is a perfect venue for you to take a position on social issues. Through Ron White's act, you can put in what I call the "whoos" and "boos" to show your support or your protest. For instance, when he's talking about alcohol, the war or the death penalty, give him a "whoo." When he's talking about fidelity, cancer and homosexuality, give him a "boo." And make sure it's loud because you don't want anyone confusing the two. Remember, you have the brain of a child and noisemaking is sometimes an easier method of articulating your perspective. Again, this is your chance to take a stand without anyone thinking less of you. It's rather anonymous when you're a face in a crowd of thousands. Harder to actually talk about the death penalty and talk facts while you're changing some guy's oil or rounding up cattle.
7. Lastly, when you're exiting the venue after a rousing applaud (yes, complete with standing ovation), repeat selections from the program to all your friends. It's your way of showing them that you were paying attention and it highlights your favorite parts of the program. Act like they weren't sitting right next to you through the entire program. And laugh hysterically like it's the first time you heard it...again.

My beloved Sox are on a horrible skid right now. Sucks. We've dropped to three games behind the Bankees. Nothing's working for us at this point. I might just ignore it for a while. Maybe it'll just go away.