j3 SPECTACULAR DOWN DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

We'll be back on soon. Currently, I'm waiting for some repairs to be done on my computer after sustaining damages due to a fall. Appreciate your patience. Because of this, some promised features might be slightly behind schedule. That's all for now. Love your computer and pay the repairman well if you don't.

Administrator

MORE j3 WITH RAPPERS

This one courtesy of our boys at RND distribution down in H-Town who just signed the Too $hort's (shown) label to a distribution deal. Thanks to Darin, Ramon, Byron so on and so forth for making this wonderful moment in photography history possible. You know, it's hard out here for a pimp. Enjoy.

Oh, and after dinner, a regional magazine photographer (who, shamefully, I can't remember the name of) had set up his screen and lights in the corner of the place we were celebrating at and, well, people other than the honorable Too $hort had made it into the pictures. Including myself. I used this opportunity to, like my shirt, teach the world how to pop its collar.

And now you know. CMT's airing Johnny Cash's entire Live at San Quentin performance. Pretty candid. He yelled out to the cameraman stage right just after the chorus to "Walk the Line", "Aw, don't bend over, man! You picked the wrong place to bend over like that, man!" Funny stuff.

Real World Reunion on MTV in 15 minutes--sure to be fireworks. Never fails. Now THAT'S real television folks.

Happy Wednesday. Cage concert in Dallas on Thursday night. Should be hot.

HERE'S TO MONDAYS

Everyone have a gnarly and gnasty Monday. Hope you all had a great, relaxing holiday with family and friends. It's back to work. Hope yours is better than the Monday the guy on the other side of this camera had after this encounter.

Sincerely,
j3

KANYE KILLS NOKIA LIVE

This past weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of taking in Kanye West's set at Nokia Live in Grand Prarie, TX. My lovely wife and I showed up right before Ye's set began--missing R&B breakout Keyshia Cole and American Idol winner Fantasia (c'mon now, can we PLEASE get more than two female R&B vocalist to open up for a hip hop act?!). Kanye came on with a clap of thunder--jumping right into some of his deep album cuts from Late Registration and College Dropout. His performance and stage presence was sharp and he worked that crowd like a part-time job--running from stage left to stage right like a ping pong ball. My lovely wife bobbed her head and, b'lee this, even "threw her hands in the air" when commanded to like a true sport. I have a few complaints however, those bright, blinding lights that have the effect of staring at the sun through a magnifying glass are not cool. First time I came across these lights was at the Lubbock Kiss/Ted Nugent concert and swore I was going to leave blind. I don't mind dangerous pyrotechnics. I don't mind $7 Shiner Bocks (okay, I do and shame on you, Nokia Live, for charging $7 for any beer much less one made in Texas). I don't mind deafening bass. I don't mind the contact high I got from the goof ball two rows down who couldn't wait to get out of the concert before spliffing up. But please don't use those lights again. Every time they came on, I got teary eyed. I could hardly see the road on the way home on account of the overusage of those damned lights. They're not necessary. The spotlight should be on the artist, not on the audience. If you've stared into these lights, then you know exactly what I mean. Other than that, excellent performance. Kanye is the Elton John of Hip Hop. He's so freaking over the top and his ego can hardly fit on stage, but you gotta hand it to the guy, he makes quality music and is quite the entertainer. The white suit though (as seen above with the beautiful angel wings to accessorize) screams all-too-loudly "Puff Daddy!" And when he does his little scoot across stage you'd swear you were at a Diddy show.

On the way home, my lovely wife and I had an enchanting conversation about the performance. She stated that she was expecting a lot more. I joked about him letting a thousand doves loose from inside his jacket or, in the spirit of the great Girth Brooks, making it rain or, perhaps, making it rain money. She wanted that Vegas show, like David Blaine, Celine Dion er something with people flying through the air, pianos taking flight and soaring high above the audience. I told her that I couldn't see him doing that, after all, it is hip hop. You're supposed to get up there, flex how nice you are, maybe make a political statement, dance your ass off and then close with the crowd favorite--leave the big stuff to the Blue Man Group.

Of course, if there was any dull moments during the show, you could fill in the excitement by watching the couple to the right of me who, at one moment, had each other in a full body lock bumping and rubbing on each other--the "climax" coming during "Slow Jamz" when the woman wrapped her legs completely around her companion, locked her feet on the back side of his body and began flapping on his front side like a flag in a brisk afternoon breeze. It was straight-up freaky but funny to watch.

Another interesting note, this guy's whistle was the most incredible thing I've ever heard. First time he let that thing out, I frantically covered my ears thinking something was going horribly wrong with the main speakers. It almost made my ears bleed, I tell you. He hit notes I didn't think existed.

Overall, a solid hip hop show, but no magic. Geez, whaddya expect?

R.I.P. PAT MORITA

That's right, another great one gone...Pat Morita aka Mr. Miyagi who was responsible for making karate cool again (again? was it ever before?), passed away of natural causes.

As a kid, I was so inspired by Morita's depiction of Miyagi and how he took Daniel Laruso under his wing that, shortly after seeing Karate Kid for the 12th time, I began teaching myself karate. I trained myself on a tree out in the front yard of our house on 13th street. I punched the trunk of that tree until my knuckles nearly bled--letting out blurts of "hi-yah!" and "eye!" and finishing each sequence with a bow to the mighty tree. I earned my freakin black belt. That's right.

That was until my smart ass brother had to blow my spot.

I was out in my yard training in my traditional gear--a Hobie t-shirt, Bugle Boy denim shorts, Reeboks and my black belt tied around my waste so everyone in the neighborhood knew that I was not to be toyed with. I was a killer. No mercy. No mercy.

Bethany Ann, who lived next door asked, "j3, what are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm training for a tournament." I continued punching and kicking the tree.

My brother walks up, laughs and asks, "Dad's been looking for the belt to his bathrobe, Jeff."

Thanks, Todd. People were finally starting to take me seriously.

Anyhow, Miyagi, on behalf of myself and Ralph Machio (unquestionable the most gangsta last name in Hollywood), "We'll miss you and the bottle trick. Keep it gully."

TROUBLESOME DOORS

(insert caption here)

AND IN "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!" NEWS

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Two escaped prison inmates from Louisiana took advantage of sympathy for Hurricane Katrina victims to pass themselves off to University of Tennessee students as fraternity brothers who had been displaced by the storm, police said. Steven Ridge, 31, and Zachary Arabie, 22, were arrested in Knoxville last week after Ridge tried to buy gas with fake money, authorities said. Ridge and Arabie integrated themselves on the Tennessee campus, attending fraternity parties, dating coeds and renting an off-campus apartment, police said. ''We believe they were in the process of creating new identities to disappear again and possibly do an abduction,'' police Sgt. Sean Hejna said. ''We got these two just in time.'' Ridge, serving a 10-year sentence for forgery and theft, and Arabie, serving 20 years for armed robbery, escaped Sept. 13 from prison in Ferriday, La., after using a Popsicle stick as a key, Hejna said. They stole two cars to get to Knoxville and showed up at the Lambda Chi fraternity house a few days later, police said. Ridge claimed to be a fraternity member displaced by Katrina from a graduate program at Tulane University in New Orleans. He even had a Tulane ID card. ''It's genius, their plan, it was really genius,'' fraternity president Sam Seyler said. ''Who is going to deny the fact that someone is a refugee? We took them at their word.'' Authorities had trouble identifying Ridge because he deliberately injured his fingers, even gnawing the skin off to obscure his fingerprints, Hejna said. A jailer finally recognized him among a roster of escaped inmates. The identification led authorities to the men's apartment, where they found a cash counterfeiting operation as well as fake ID capabilities, police said. ''Were we duped? I guess,'' Seyler said. ''We were trying to be good Southern gentlemen and show some hospitality in a tough time. We thought it was the right thing to do.''
AP




And now, as "frat brothers" at Lambda Duh in Knoxville.









This is truly hilarious.














I guess their criterium for admittance is not quite as strict as I had once thought.































You're not ready.





Here ya are.

MY LOVELY WIFE AND HER UNWAVERING DETEST FOR ZACK MORRIS

In a recent conversation over dinner, my lovely wife, in what I insist must have been a moment of rare thoughtlessness, mentioned that she thought not only was Zack Morris a horrible actor on Saved by the Bell, but he still is a horrible actor on NYPD Blue. I can hear the gasps through my monitor. But she didn't stop there. She even wished upon him the worst of all possible consequences ever--the tragic Bonaduce ending. She said, "Yeah, Gary Coleman ended up as a parking lot security guard, I would want worse for Zack Morris." She couldn't even call him by his real name, Mark Paul Gossallar. She wanted for poor Mark Paul cocaine binges, prostitutes, an attempted suicide, multiple failed runs at rehab, assault charges, alcoholism, crippling mental illness, abnormal weight gain, a horrible near life-ending car crash and then end it all with a hugely unsuccessful radio talk show in some small market in rural Iowa (wait, isn't all Iowa rural?). It kills me. It really does.

I couldn't explain where this was coming from. All these years I've known this woman, my lovely wife, and would've never seen this coming. She hates Zack Morris.

The thespian who we now know as Mark Paul Gossallar happens to be one of the finest actors ever to grace the small screen both in his previous role of Zack Morris on the incredible Saved by the Bell and as, uh, one of those cops on NYPD Blue. Deny his greatness and deny your own existence.

STOP FRONTIN'.

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Beginning November 22nd, it's POWER TO THE PEOPLE!! The PLUG AWARDS give the opportunity for the music listening public to stick it to the Grammys and actually award independent musicians for their artistic accomplishments. By simply visiting www.plugawards.com anyone is given access and can vote immediately. Polls don't open until Tuesday, November 22nd so hang tight, but once open vote away! And once you've voted, make sure you spread the word. Nominees this year include Danger Doom, Spoon, El-P, Bloc Party, Bright Eyes, Edan, Aesop Rock, Sage Francis, Pennywise, Rufio, Boards of Canada, Sufjan Stevens, DJ Shadow, Diplo, Madlib, 9th Wonder and many more!

And the nominating committee includes buyers, writers, critics, actors, VPs and, well, yours truly. Thanks to Gerry at World's Fair for the invitation to participate in one of the coolest things ever. Truly an honor.

November 22nd, people! The bout begins.

R.I.P. EDDIE GUERRERO

The great Eddie Guerrero who represented brown-and-proud countrymen everywhere to the very fullest has passed away at 38 years of age. Quite sad. We will miss him fondly. This one's for the la raza.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH...

But this person needs her nails trimmed.

MY MORNING COFFEE

Good morning, folks. I'm sitting here in front of my first of about five cups of coffee and the opening credits to Land of the Dead--man, it's gonna be a good day.

Haven't had a whole lot of down time lately. In fact, I've had none. So this is more of a catch-up than anything else. I don't know how else to do this, so here we go.

• I'm down to 210 pounds from 240. Have made it to 208, kinda slacked up on the diet a little. Gotta get myself back in check before the holidays because I'm gonna eat me some dressing. B'lee dat. My best advice, stay away from sodas.
  
  
• Whoa, opening sequence of Land of the Dead is rad. Better to watch this before the lovely wife wakes up.
• A-Rod beat out Papi for AL's MVP which is a complete sham. Papi ended 6 games this year with his bat, four of them with homeruns. 19 of his 47 homeruns either tied a game or put the Sox ahead. A-Rod made a few good snags at third and apparently, the sports writers sympathize heavily with the NL way of life and wouldn't possibly let a designated hitter win an MVP. It's alright though, at least when Pay-Rod looks back on his career in pinstripes he can say he won something. Only fitting that it's an award for individual performance and not for his team's accomplishments. Of course, I can't front--he's a wonderful teammate to his buddy Gary (Jeter). Here they are at their pre-game warmups enjoying some much needed cuddle time.
  

Sometimes, the headlines can write themselves.

• Zombies just fall apart under the fire of automatic weapons. Must get second cup of coffee.
• Met Too $hort Thursday night in Houston at an event hosted by the boys at RND. Pictures to be provided later. It was quite an event. Never thought I would eat porkchops across from Mr. Too $hort. Nice guy, great event.
• Poor 50 Cent simply can't act. Get Rich or Die Tryin' brought in only 12 million in it's first weekend--a far cry from 8 Miles' 51 million. I think it goes to show that a white kid from a trailer park making it as a rap superstar is more compelling than a black kid from the ghetto making it as a rap superstar. That or while still the most controversial rap artist in recent history, because Eminem is white and less "street," parents feel more safety in letting their kids go to see his story rather than the strong, black gangsta persona of Fiddy. Hell, the title is Get Rich or Die Tryin'. The movie was entertaining, but that's only because of the violence (and I like me some violence). Won't win any awards. Land of the Dead, on the other hand...Man, some zombie was eating a guy's finger like a Vienna sausage. It's about time for breakfast.
• Walk the Line is simply incredible. Joaquin Phoenix does a stunning job of portraying the late, great Johnny Cash. I'm telling you, goosebumps. See it. See it as soon as you can. It's absolutely brilliant.
  
  

Finished our hardwood floors in the living room and dining room. They look awesome. I'll post a pic or two soon. My lovely wife's dream of living in a Pottery Barn catalog is quickly coming true.

How in the hell do zombies ever catch someone? You'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind with no legs to get caught by these things. TURN AROUND! That's how. It seems to be a combination of bad hearing and very slow reactions. Third cup of coffee comin'.

THE PEOPLE'S VOTES COUNT. Go vote for your favorite independent music acts of 2005 at www.plugawards.com where yours truly was honored to be on the nominating committee (http://www.plugawards.com/authors/ABList.php). Spread the word. The Plug Awards--Independent Music's Definitive Awards.

My wife got us a new fish. One of those awesomely aggressive betas who freak out and blow out their gills when they see their reflection in a mirror. His name is Trot--named after the star Sox rightfielder.

I wish I could be a zombie in a film. I'd be a killer zombie. I'd have sideburns. And maybe missing my lower mandible. Isn't that your jaw bone? Yeah, that's it. I'd be missing my lower jaw bone and my tongue would be hanging out of my head. And I'd be sporting a Sox hat in every scene.

I continue to work on my year-end BEST HIP HOP RECORDS OF 2005 list. It'll be published on or slightly before 12/31/2005.

I'm not sure why, but I find it's important to listen and watch the pre-flight demonstration by the flight attendants. I find myself, every time without fail, stopping what I'm doing and attentively watch as they point out the exits on the airplane and then how to use the oxygen masks in the case there is an "unexpected loss of pressure in the cabin." I suppose it's because if no one watches, they're basically only there to serve peanuts and drinks until there's an emergency which I think really discounts the importance of these people. So I sit there with my headphone's around my neck, smiling complacently, with attentive eyes--nodding in approval after every demonstration. Sometimes, if I'm a really good mood, I thank them after the pre-flight show is over. While I only say, "Thank you," I'm really saying, "Thank you for reminding me that air travel can be dangerous and that bad things can happen. Thank you for instructing me and preparing me, equipping me for the unexpected. And I really appreciate the zeal and excitement you bring to your job. Thank you. You inspire me."

Fourth cup of coffee is about to go down the hatch and then I'm putting in a few hours at work. Yep, on a Saturday. But as far as I'm behind on my blog, I'm three times as behind up at work. Everyone have a good Saturday.

SAGE FRANCIS IN DALLAS CANCELLED

So let's just throw up some old show photos like I took them at the show in Dallas and act like he put on a killa set. No blogspot bomb threat here, Sage. Just need to tell you that six guys were about to haul their tails a total of 2700 miles round trip to see you in the Getdown, but alas, your show was cancelled for unspecified reasons. You could've at least sent a brotha an email. I suppose I might need to reconsider my nomination of Sage for Live Act of the Year in the Plug Awards. Anyhow, here's the pics from Friday night's show...a day early.


"I know I look good. Stop sweatin' me."

Strange Famous in full effect.

You know the mullet.

Word 'em up.

Bro bro's back in the 'handle this weekend. Should be a fine time. Go Tech. Kick some Aggie arse.

HOME OWNERSHIP 101: KITCHEN SINK CLOGS

Okay, so tonight I noticed there was standing water in the sink with nothing visibly preventing the water from flowing down properly. Where do you start? Well, conventional wisdom would suggest ordering up a bottle of Drano Max Gel. Well, being the conventional fella, I had my lovely wife swipe a bottle from the store. Upon getting back, I poured the entire bottle in the sink as it instructs on the back. Let it sit for 15 minutes and I return to the sink. No action. Still standing water. I scratch my head for a moment and then dash out to the garage where I keep my junior high school-strength plunger given to me by the Myles family at my tool shower prior to my wedding. I begin plunging like no tomorrow. Push, pull, push, pull, push, pull. The sink fills up with a mess of floating objects. I almost dry heave it's so disgusting. Still, no movement. No water going down. Then, I lift my foot to notice I'm standing in a puddle of stanking water. Walk over to the dishwater to notice the dishwasher is completely full of water and it's just dripping off the bottom lip.

I scratch my head some more. Now, I'm in it shoulder deep. And it's about 10pm. No one to call. What do you do now? I snag a mop, a bucket and a pan and begin transferring the water off the floor, from in the sink and in the dishwasher into the bucket. I figured it would just help in assessing the situation. Of course, once I'm to the assessment step, I didn't know what I was going to do. I certainly couldn't let my wife think I didn't have a clue. I struggle with my gameplan while my lovely wife asks "What are you gonna do?" Uh, think quick, think quick. "Well, we could get the snake and rattle it down in there and see if we can dislodge ("dislodge" is a great word for showing your plumbing skillz) whatever's in the sink." Good answer. Hang in there. I finish mopping up the floor and now it's time to act. What do I do? I head to the living room for my "Home Improvement for Dummies" book. Find out, my wife's already got it and she's reading for a remedy.

A few minutes later, she says, "There's a few things we can do." Now, she's driving the car and all I can do is sit back and look helpful. We grab the bucket, position it under the little pipe that curls under the sink (no laughing, that's the only way I could describe the damned thing). My lovely wife begins unscrewing the pipe. She removes it and hands it to me. Yahtzee!

I stick my finger into this orange mushy mass and then it dawns on me, not only did we discover the cause of the problem, but we also discovered something that DRANO CANNOT CONQUER. The night before, I cooked up about three pounds of taco meat and drained the meat before storing it in the fridge by pouring it into a collendar (sp?) and letting the access run down the sink. Seems I should've helped it down with a little hot water, but I didn't do that. So the grease settles in the pipe and hardens over night. (Nicole Richie is straight anorexic, sorry, she was just on VH1--daddy needs to set her straight) And with all of my plunging, I basically rolled the mass into a crazy grease twinkie. It was so disgusting.

A few lessons to learn here, before your wife is about to take the morning off to invite a plumber named Carl to suck $200 out of your backpocket, consult a "for Dummies" book. They actually work.

Secondly, Drano will not remove taco grease.

Thirdly, what's can clog the sink would do the same to your intestines. Better in the sink than in your body, just know how to get it gone.

Lastly, find an appropriate place to drain your meat. Perhaps a toilet. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Celtics win their season opener against the Knicks in overtime. 1-0 on the way to a World Championship.

TODD'S PUMPKIN TRIBUTE TO HOMESTARRUNNER.COM

Strongbad is the truth. Here's my brother's jack-o-lantern. For those who need a reference, please visit www.homestarrunner.com for all the hilarity than one can stand.

Or, for a sample, http://www.homestarrunner.com/cantsayjob.html where Coach Z has a tough time saying the word "job".

Good stuff.

Aight, have a good evening. Sage Francis show in Dallas on Friday, word 'em up.

HALLODOOM

Tell me this ain't the illinest Jack-O-Lantern ever. That's right, it's the villain himself: MF Doom. Brought to you by Invisiblist at www.okayplayer.com. Straight killin' it in this pumpkin carvin' game. B'lee dat.

Also, my brother, in a fitting tribute to Strongbad from www.homestarrunner.com carved quite an amazing masterpiece. Todd, your piece still remains the single greatest pumpkin carving in the history of the large orange vegetable. However, I didn't get to save the image when you sent it over to me on IM so, Todd, holla atcha boy. Let me have your image so I can throw it up like Kate Moss and donuts.

Speaking of dietary habits (and not of purging specifically) and scary images. Check out Big j3. This was around my max weight of 240. And, no, that's not all muscle. This was when I proudly completed the installation of an antique door leading out into our (Jackson's) backyard. And, now, 28 pounds later, I'm about 10 pounds away from my goal.



Once I hit my goal, we'll do a little before and after comparison. Insults and rude comments directed to Big j3 are welcomed and encouraged. Directing the same to Small j3 will be met with swift and severe beatings. And you can run, but I can catch you--now.

WHY I [REALLY] WANT A HUSBAND

***written in response the quite popular Judy Syfers piece, "Why I Want a Wife," written during the high swing of the women's lib period. please click link for original article.

http://www.cwluherstory.com/CWLUArchive/wantawife.html

And now I present, j3's 2005 version:

WHY I [REALLY] WANT A HUSBAND

I belong to the classification of people known as husbands. I am A Husband. And, not altogether incidently, I am a father. Not too long ago, I can’t remember how long because the long days have since started running together, a female friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce and, hesitantly, was ready to marry again. She had one child, who is, of course, with her ex-husband. As I thought about her one night while I was fixing the kitchen sink (even though I really know nothing about kitchen sinks or plumbing altogether, I’m just expected to), it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like a husband. Why do I want a husband for my own?

I would like to wake up late every day of the week and lounge around all day while my husband makes the hour and a half commute through torrential traffic to his terrible job where the work sucks but not so bad that he can’t lie to me about it when I ask the proverbial question every evening when he gets home: “Hi, honey, how was your day?” And while he’s tolerating all the pains of drudging job bringing home the fat bacon (that I’ll get to later), I’ll be at home thinking about what sort of silly daytime television program I would like to consume my required “hours at home.” I want a husband to mow the lawn, to fix the mower, to fill it with gas when it’s low, to edge the yard, to scoop the piles upon piles of dog crap and to do all without arguing no matter how inclement the weather is. In fact, my husband will also be required to do anything that requires being outside. And that means anything. Pruning trees, trimming the hedge, putting up Christmas lights, taking them down, repairing the skylights, inspecting leaks in the roof or damaged shingles no matter what danger it puts him in, taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, watering the dogs and, again, picking up the dogs’ crap, killing anything that does not belong in our backyard but might still be living in it, replacing any damaged portions of the fence, raking leaves and pine needles, resetting the mailbox in case it gets vandalized by some of our friendly neighborhood hoodlums, painting the trim or, well, the entire house if it needs it (I’d help out with picking the colors), braving the harsh winter weather to shovel snow, chunk ice off the driveway and make sure that the sidewalk up to the house is free of any dangers when I invite my friends over for our Friday night social. That’s it! Any work that require me going outside the front or the backdoor or out of the garage unless in my automobile, would need to be done by him in a complete and speedy manner. And, all of this, on one or both of his days off when he expects to kick up his feet and entertain himself. No talking back, whining or complaining. He should come with no emotions attached, a pea-sized brain, a short spine and no soul unless I decide to give him one. He has no opinions or feelings. He will express passion in nothing unless it’s me, giving me money or doing the yard work. It’s his job, really. I read it somewhere.

I want a husband that will yield to my wishes of being more independent. A husband that knows when NOT to hold the door open for me so that I can feel like a more capable person. Yes, a person! That’s what I am. He is not better than me. We are equal and he will tolerate these rants and rages whenever I decide to lay them on him. He will buy me a big ass sports utility vehicle. Yes, an impractical and wasteful automobile that guzzles gas and takes up way more room than is even necessary in the urban environment in which we will live. He will not say anything or even hint a breath when as my passenger in the sports-utility vehicle (that is, notably, not used for anything dealing with either “sports” or “utility”) I cut off another driver, don’t quite fit my big ass sports-utility vehicle in the parking place, use the fire lane as the I’m-waiting-on-someone-inside lane and/or any other violation of conventional driving practices commonly expected of law-abiding citizens. When something goes wrong with the sports-utility vehicle, he will not interrogate me, probe me for the cause, he will begin inspecting the vehicle immediately to find the problem and, if detected, he will fix it. If he can not fix it, he will send it someone who can fix it in a timely manner. The cost I’m not worried about because it’ll be his pocket supporting the bill. He will describe to them in full what he has found and then I will make lightly snide (more jokingly) remarks about how he is less of a person because he couldn’t fix it himself. He will take it. No questions or exceptions.

In fact, he will swallow any criticisms I decide to deal out about his choice of personal style, his hair, his poor since of humor (never mind mine), his terrible choice of media consumption (whether it be music, movies or television shows—God knows the stump can’t read), his friends, his family, everything that he believes in basically. Anything he endorses is open to my wrath and I will deal it out, not necessarily because I like to watch him hurt, but because I like to feel that sort of control. I get off on it. He will not cry from the badgering, he will just smile and nod in approval of my malicious ventures.

He will eat anything I make, smile and nod approvingly every night, never fail. He will smile and hum along to my bad music and he will snuggle with me as we watch sappy love stories on television. He will denounce any movies that have gunfire in them even though the Academy has garnered them in awards. If it doesn’t have the same regurgitated and tragically typical plot as all love stories do, it’s meaningless entertainment for simple-minded individuals. He will subscribe to this notion and will carry it out as I drag him around the video store—he will look happy yet submissive. That is what our marriage will be: one half happiness, one half submission. Actually, we might need to weigh the percentages more to the submission side. Ah, indecisiveness! He will not sigh or show hesitation when I’m having a hard time making up my mind. He will not make any suggestions or recommendations unless I queue him.

He will go to bed at the same time I do and there is only one acceptable response to the words, “I love you, sweetie. Good night.” The response will not be delivered in a mumble but in a hearty and fully audible voice of conviction. He will cuddle with me all night long and when he leaves to go to the restroom in the middle of the night, he will, of course, put the lid down even though, as a capable person, I could do it myself, but I like watching him work arduously at developing trivial habits that favor me.

When the dogs bark in the middle of the night, he will move quickly and quietly to inspect what it is. He will be my protector in the night whether he likes it or not. He will also rid the house of all rodents or pests by all means necessary. He will expose himself to various carried diseases, bacteria and germs without fear. He will annihilate any move organism I ask him to including but not limited to: snakes, raccoons, mice, rats, roaches, spiders, lizards, tarantulas, skunks, beetles, centipedes, millipedes, scorpions, wasps, bees, mosquitoes, rabid dogs, frogs and the friendly neighborhood hoodlum. He will not shudder, scream or yelp. He will kill quickly and methodically.

He will follow me to the grocery store (emphasis on “follow”) and will watch me spend every last penny of his earnings on only name brand, top-shelf groceries that will be thrown away half-eaten and fully-molded two months later. At the clothing store, he will stand close nearby and do nothing but nod, smile and say, “It looks wonderful with your eyes,” or, “Man, you smell so good I could eat you up right here,” with a convincing fervor. All other opinions must be kept to himself.

When I throw a party for my friends, he will spend most of his evening in the back bedroom until I need him to take out the trash so that it does not stink up the kitchen. He will be quiet and orderly. If he gets out of line, I will be permitted to use him as the butt of a few jokes. If present, he will laugh at these jokes. Also, in his moments away from the back bedroom, he will be nothing but pleasant and complimentary to my guests. He will only speak when spoken to. He will speak in short sentences and not attempt to humor or entertain the guest. He will not upstage me. And, as noted above, he has no opinion.

To continue from above, he will be expected to know how all devices in the home function: electronic, gas powered, solar powered or otherwise. When they malfunction he will be expected to bring them back to a functioning state. He will be able to do any necessary wiring, rigging and fixing to make these devices work. This includes everything in the house that is a living organism. Everything else in the house that needs fixing must be left to me because I fear his emotionless disposition on life would make him inadequate in aiding sometimes emotion situations.

My husband will enjoy sex with me, but not too much. He will not laugh, kid, tickle. He will have sex with me in the same way he kills pests—quickly and methodically. Wait, not quickly.

I will belittle his personal problems by bringing up my needs and he will understand this without explanation. He has no problems that are worth mentioning and, furthermore, discussing in detail. However, he will have to lend to my concerns. My issues are top-priority, no matter how insignificant they might seem to his small mind.

My God, who wouldn’t want a husband?

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...MY APOLOGIES...

Man, time's really passed since I last posted. And this is more of a post to cover my tail from someone saying, "You never post anything anymore."

When we last saw j3, he was about to take off for Red River, New Mexico for a lovely weekend off with his lovely wife and....wait, wait, wait...no, I got bit by a dog. BUT, I did go to Red River for a weekend and it was a delight. I have a few pictures that I'll share at a later time (2006).

Sawx got beat by the other Sox. I can't remember the color of the Sox because, well, it only took the minimum 3 games. That's right, a sweep. So my beloved Red Sox, in the heroic title defense of baseball's world champions, quite frankly, tucked their tail and played dead. It's alright though. I lost my Jebediah beard which was getting long and itchy. Now I'm cleanly shaven and thinning.

I hit a plateau in my diet. I'm about 212-215. I celebrated by having a six-pack of Oreos. They were good. Oh wait, you're not supposed to celebrate a plateau in your diet. Goal still stands at 200-205 and hover around there until I die of natural causes at 88 years old.

Back to sports news, those Houston Astros just might have something going. They're now 6 outs away from going to their first World Series. In fact, I'll have to check the Sports Almanac, but I think this is the first appearance for a Texas baseball team in the World Series. Man, if we could get the Cowboys to "cowboy up" and win a championship and get the Spurs to lock down another championship, Texas will once again prove it's dominance over the Union.

Saddam's trial began. Why don't I care? Not sure. You'd think this would be the "Trial of the Century," but it just seems weird filing "charges" against a tyrant. It's like, "So, Lucifer, you've been a bad boy." I heard that whatever they decided to charge him with was chosen because, "it would be the easiest to convict him of." Don't accuse me of Saddampathy, but that hardly seems fair. Geez, I might get the Spectacular shut down for such a comment. Back to that stupid dog that bit me on the ankle.

He ain't around no more. Gone. Haven't seen him since. And I'm glad.

Wanna kill a few brain cells? Try staining your floor. Holy cow, man. I think I reduced my brain capacity by 30% last night staining our dining room floor. We decided to take on the project because, well, it's asthetically more appealing and improves the property drastically for resale. Also, I was tired of looking at the puppy pee stains that, no matter how much ammonia and scrubbing, never seemed to go away. But, let me tell you, if you're thinking of taking on your floors, respect the drum sander. If not, that ferocious metal monster will eat you alive. Oh, and always make sure your sander has an "off" switch that actually works or it will not only eat you alive, but it'll eat your pet too.

Astros are three outs away with a four-run lead. Pretty comfortable circumstances. Man, they're wrecking Busch stadium after the Cardinals lose tonight. Kinda sad. Wrecking ball will swing on a losing note. Oh well. Sorry Dad, Grandad, Todd. I can't pull for the Cards after they tried to take the Sawx's World Championship away from them. Of course, they didn't try too hard. I mean, we did sweep them. I guess once the Red Sox won their first World Championship in 86 years at Busch Stadium, someone said, "You know, I never liked this piece of crap stadium anyway. Let's build a new one." And everyone agreed. Emphatically.

Oh, in other sports news (this is where everyone thinks that all I so is watch sports), the Texas Tech Red Raiders football team (my alma mater) have charged all the way to #8 in the nation which is simply incredible. Their offense is one of the most powerful in the states and they take it into Austin against the #2 team in the nation, the Longhorns. No matter what happens, really, I'll be happy, but I'm cheering for a win. #8 in the nation, are you kidding me?

Astros just took it. Congrats to the Astros. God knows Biggio and Bags definitely deserve it. Dude, they were playing when I was but a tike collecting baseball cards. I don't think there's one black guy on that team. Just noticed that. Not that it matters. Just a bunch of cornfed whiteboys.

Now, we need Astro to beat the snot outta the other Sox. I wanna see Clemens mow 'em down. Maybe just chunk a fastball at Ozzie in the dugout "mistakenly."

That's it for now. I gotta get out of these fumes or I'm not going to be able to make it outta bed in the morning.

Try looking at this album cover without smiling.

THE DOG THAT BIT ME AND THE CAGE HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT IN...

So, I'm walking back to work after lunch today and I approach a barking dog. Obviously, he was quite agitated as I minded my own and continued walking--without even breaking speed. As I paced along a couple of houses, the dog stayed on my heels and then, without any advance warning, he struck. Like a bear trap he clamped down on my left ankle. Ripping open my sock and tearing a small hole in my khakis. I almost stopped to assess the damage, possibly to kick this mutt's nose into the back of his head, but I did neither. I kept marching along without pause, whencing in pain as my ankle throbbed. I kept moving mainly because there was a woman on the other side of the block who, I think, saw the whole thing go down and I didn't want to pop the dog in the face and then have her blab off to the owner and get some pet owner angry at me. I walk that same route everyday. Geez, now I know what mailmen go through. Anyhow, so I arrive at work and dial up Amarillo Animal Control and report this dog's punkass to the authorities. I also finally checked on my ankle--no bleeding, no broken skin. Thankfully.

I called up my lovely wife and explained to her what had happened. Obviously concerned, she offered me a ride home. I reluctantly agreed. Why reluctantly, you ask? Because I wanted to head back for round two. See how tough this big boy is fighting a guy actually FACING him. Cheapshottin' sonuvabitch.

Anyhow, hopefully the owners of this dog are enjoying a lonely evening in Amarillo while their dog spends a little hard time behind bars. By the looks of this chump, he's already spent some time in there. Dude had prison shoulders. But let it be known, had we met in the dark with no witnesses, I'd whallop on that punk. I'm not totally against putting a dog down. Honestly, if it's that aggressive to snap at a passerby doing NOTHING to agitate him, he might not be beyond correction, but had he pulled the same stunt on the nose of a five year-old child, it would've been an angry father with a baseball bat playing Johnny Law.

Quick plug for a documentary titled MURDERBALL. If you haven't heard anything about it, do a little reading here at http://www.murderballmovie.com/ It's insanely good and so very well done. Just finished watching it with my brother-in-law. And no, it's not a Steven Segal movie.

Have a good Friday everyone. Go Sawx. The big comeback begins tomorrow at 3pm EST.

Lock your dogs up. I'm carrying a tazer gun now.

FOR FANS OF "THE SHINING"...LIKE MYSELF

Do yourself a favor and click the below link...it'll blow your mind...

Seriously funny, folks.

http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov

Laters.

DISTRESSED? DISPAIR? NAH, BEEN HERE BEFORE....

Anyone need a history lesson? Sox have ALWAYS been suckers for the dramatic. 2003, down 0-2 to the Oakland A's in the division series. We win the third game on Trot Nixon's late inning homer to deep center. We went on to win the series 3-2 finishing off those stupid Athletics IN Oakland. Fast forward to 2004 after getting eliminated by the Spanks in a back-and-forth battle the year before, we sweep the Angels in 3 games then, in the league championship, we come back, once again facing elimination on every out, to come back from 0-3 to win 4-3. Sweep the Cards, World Series Champs. Yeah, that's right, this team always like to make it interesting. Considering the history, one would say that being down 0-2 in a five game series, we're favored to win. I would have to agree.

Friday is game three in Boston. We got our monster and Red Sox Nation in full effect. Hell, if we don't win and we get eliminated, so be it. I got a championship out of this team. So I'm not sad. If that's the case, GO 'STROS! Let's win it for Texas! But, until then...

Sheryl has become quite a fan of our beloved Jackson W. Because of this, I'm posting the following for her. Here is our Jackson in his new favorite spot in the whole house. Wrapped up in a decorative basket like a king cobra waiting for his master to play the magic flute.

He stores away neatly. He curls up nicely and conveniently. Just a cheap little woven basket from a discount store and your dog is gone and out of the way. Never worry about guests tripping over your pet.

And, yes, if you heard the news, he got out again. More news to come. Dude's like a kanine Houdini. Illin' magic tricks. Including disappearing acts. He's a marvel, that Jax.

SAME MAKE, DIFFERENT MODEL, SAME PAINT JOB

I considered jailing Jackson after his attempted escape. But he's too dang cute. That or I'm too dang soft. Here he is with his little buddy (or cousin) Ray Ray the Bassett Hound (on the left). Jackson gets along with Ray pretty well. In fact, too well. Just don't ask Jackson about "kissing cousins." Because he'll tell you all about it. Hell, he'll probably give you a demonstration.

Anyhow, I'm going out of town this weekend with my lovely wife to clear my head so you won't be hearing from me for a while. I'll be posting, when I return, a recap of our trip to the wonderful town of Red River, New Mexico. Until then, have a fine weekend and GO SAWX!

DANGER DOOM "THE MOUSE AND THE MASK" APPRECIATION

MF Doom does it again. This time with producer Danger Mouse of "Grey Album" infamy. We'll skip all the exhaustive details of the record and it's Cartoon Network/Adult Swim affiliations. Read another review for that stuff. All you really need to know is this album is a serious banger. Doom is in prime form and it can only make you wonder how much this guy has in him. Danger Mouse's production wows the listener as he's quickly becoming RJD2's replacement as the "true power producer"--easily topping his contributions to the latest Gorillaz outing.

All that being said, this is a Doom record, from beginning to end. Not to discredit DM's work, but when Doom's takes the mic, it's his show. With it being marketed directly to Cartoon Network/Adult Swim fans, maybe the masses will finally be able to appreciate MF Doom after years of scrapping and hustling--waiting for heads to react.

Album includes cameos by Ghostface, Talib Kweli (who actually drops a nice verse for once--"Welcome back, Kweli") and selected Adult Swim cast, including Space Ghost, Meatwad, Shake and more.

B'lee dis, "Mouse and Mask" is a clear contender for hip hop album of the year. Speaking of, j3's Top 20 Hip Hop Records of 2005 coming soon. I'm taking about 30 discs on the road this weekend for one last good listen. Plus we have many strong records still to drop.

Buy Danger Doom's "The Mouse and the Mask" and other fine MF Doom projects at your local Hastings.

JACKSON, THE INCREDIBLE DISAPPEARING DOG

The grass is always greener.

So, I arrive home for lunch to see Jackson where he normally is--perched atop a pillow on our bed. Chillin'. He rises up, stretches, looks and me and demands silently to be let outside. I figure to go out and do his business. I let him out, proceed to make my lunch and then catch up on some email. And like any other day, before leaving I offer to Jax the opportunity to come back inside. I open the door to see Jax laying in the dirt, his head lazily rises from the ground with that classic, "leave me the hell alone" look. "Suit yourself, ese." I close the door lock it and start my trek back to work.

I get off around 5:30 and get home. My lovely wife had yet to arrive from work. I walk out into the backyard. "Jackson, c'mere buddy." Nothing. Ah, he's sleeping. I'll sneak up to him, I think to myself. I go to the back of the garage, no Jax. I whip around thinking he's probably sneaking up on me. No Jax. I could hardly call out. I began to panic. I walk around the backyard looking for the hole he dug to which I found a little dirt dug out, but not enough room for a large beagle to fit through. But one thing I knew, Jax was not in our backyard.

Composure. Composure. Keep your cool, j3.

My mind hurried through possible scenarios. Where did he go? How long has he been gone? Did someone take our dog? Is he layin' dead in the middle of Route 66?

I hopped in Boggs and took off. I slowly wandered down the block, eyes peeled. My mind paced. All the sudden, it dawned on me. There's a small hole created by the utility company when our back yard flooded and it empties into our neighbors backyard because we have no alley. It's a possibility. I took a quick right and darted to our backyard neighbors house. I run up to the front door and ring the doorbell. No one's home. I peer around to the side of the house which was a large back yard area fenced in by a waste-high picket fence.

I see the neighbors little black dog ("Hey hey mama see the way you groove. Gonna make you dance, gonna make you groove.") come prancing around the edge of the house followed by a snappy, happy beagle with long legs and a tail moving at the speed of light. Our Jackson.

Stunned, I acted quickly. I run over to the fence, stoop over and grab Jax under his front legs and begin to heave him over the fence. He yelps in pain as I pulled on his legs then he scampers off with the other dog. He knew he was in trouble. "Stay put, Jackson."

A car pulls in across the street and I realize how suspicious I must look reaching into the backyard of their neighbor. I approach them quickly so as to not look any more suspicious than I already do. "I live on the other side of this house and my dog has dug his way into their yard. I need to get my dog out of their yard."

"Oh, they won't mind go ahead. There's a gate just next to the house. Help yourself."

Man, I love friendly people.

So I walked back up to the house, unlatched the gate, took Jackson up in my arm like a football, threw him in the car and headed back to the house. When I arrived, Jackson and I walked back to his hole under the fence. He rolls up into a ball because he knew what was coming. What was coming was three brisk spankings and a boisterous "no!" He ran back inside.

So here I sit watching my screener that just came in today of Bob Dylan's "No Direction Home" (appropriately named). Good stuff. Bob Dylan, despite being older than dirt actually is still quite articulate. Unless this interview was taken some time ago which is possible because he doesn't look as gray as I last remember. Anyway, Martin Scorsese directed it and it's more a historical piece. Kinda journey-type flick. We're in the Greenwich Village period now. Pretty captivating.

Anyhow, happy Tuesday everyone. Love on your dog today. Let 'em know how happy you are to have them around. Obviously, my dog doesn't.

"I'll never leave you again, j3. I like it here."

THE TALE OF TWO WEATHERMEN AND ONE COLLASAL 'CANE

This is John Robinson (who my wife has always affectionately referred to as "Skeleton Boy"). He was my local weatherman growing up for, well, as long as I can remember. Pretty sharp. Experienced. Trusted. And professional. But not very gangsta. I spotted him back in Lubbock one time driving a Volvo stationwagon. Not that Volvo's aren't nice cars. In fact, their probably ideal for a medium-market meterologist. It says "safe" and "sterile"--like the Tom Hanks of the Weatherman World. Some people like this, however, if there's anything to be gained by two insane storms pounding our coasts, I've been introduced (as many others have) to some incredible and dynamic weathermen. Firstly, there's the aforementioned Amazing Orlando who taught us all we wanted to know about "street cops" and "debris" and now (get ready for a shocking juxtaposition) our boy Joe Bastardi:

Check this muddah out. Man, what a freakin hunk (in the most heterosexual of senses, of course). That's not a weatherman, that's a WEATHERHULK. And as anyone who grew up with a last name containing the word "bastard" with only one additional letter situated at the end, knowing the ridicule this kid got growing up, can play for my team any day. C'mon, Joe, let's go pillage the village! Anyhow, Rita is about two hours from making full landfall. Lessened in power, but still throwing some serious winds into Beaumont. Houston might have been spared the worse of it, but b'lee dis, it's gonna flood deep down in Houston.

Just disappeared into the bedroom to watch a little 'cane footage when my brother queued me. He said Shep (who I call "Smitty") had his feet taken out from under him. I'm having to go to the bedroom because my lovely wife had to take a "break" from the Rita footage. We got Baby Ray and Jacko over (that'd be Jace, my brother-in-law) and we're watching I "heart" Huckabees. Seems to be a pretty good flick, but I'm already too far behind because I'm typing on THEROOTDOWN.

I'm watching Rita so I don't watch baseball. And now, I'm watching a movie so I don't watch Rita. It's like going from wanting a beer to drinking O'Doul's. And then moving from O'Doul's to ranch dressing. Where's my Shiner?

WHEN NOT TO DO RAP HANDS

When not to do rap hands? When you're with a dude that's been shot umphteen times and lived. Just let him put his arm around you, look tough and, if you can help it, DON'T SMILE. Not too gangsta when you smile. Here I is with the g'zillion-times platinum phenom 50 Cent aka Curtis (yeah, I know, not too gangsta) aka Fiddy (which I prefer).

We were hanging out in the wine cellar. I was letting him lead the way. I forgot my ten pounds of platinum. Normally, I'm sporting it with this sweater, but I didn't want to show him up on this evening.

Not sure how I managed the crazy psychedelic effect here, but it works all the same.

Thanks to Prinkster for arranging this meeting.

Happy Friday, everyone. About 12 hours until Rita the Horrible makes landfall. Texas, show 'er what you got!

AND SPEAKING OF DIETS...

3.66 weeks into my diet and I'm officially 20 pounds lighter.

Spent my lunch watching one of those stupid infomercials with people who lost 230 pounds. While inspiring, my wish is not to lose 230 pounds. That would mean I would weigh 10 pounds and I have a feeling that if I weighed 10 pounds, I'd be closer to a broomstick than a homosapien. 40 pounds will work for me. And I'm halfway there about 3 days ahead of schedule.

On an unrelated note, today is Scott Baio's birthday. He is 44 years old. And he's gangsta, gangsta.

The Sox diet is killing me. Every time I pick up the remote, I habitually type in 26 (ESPN) and then 27 (ESPN2). Luckily last night I was distracted by a plane with faulty landing gear hovering over LA. That was pretty awesome. Now, if I can get one of those a night I can make it.

Well, no doubt Rita will provide refuge from baseball. Man, this one's a beast. Glad to see people in Houston getting the hell outta dodge. Hope Steve, the Stevensons, my boys at RND, 1Stop and BCD have found higher ground. We boarded up two stores yesterday.

To my wonderful Austinites, be careful at ACL. They say Austin could see hurricane force winds as far north as Waco. Tornadoes are also possible. I will be praying for you all this weekend. At the very least, it's gonna get soggy.

I've already got my Galveston and Houston cams lined up for this storm. Should be interesting.

Take care, happy Thursday.

ME AND MY RED SOX DIET

In the interest of preserving what's left of my insanity, I'm going on a diet--a mental diet. I'm always driven to see what my threshold is as in my current diet (no cokes, no burgers, no cookies). I'm taking it to another level and, way I see it, there's no better to do it.

I'm on the NO SOX DIET.

What does this involve, you might ask. Well, let me give you the lowdown:

NO SPORTSCENTER
NO BOSTONREDSOX.COM
NO ASKING BUDDIES OR BROTHER HOW THE SOX ARE DOING
NO TELEVISED GAMES (this including the two televised games from Boston against the Spanks in the last series of the regular season)
NO ESPN RADIO

I'm essentially locking baseball in the cupboard until AFTER the regular season is complete which would be the day I arrive back in town from Red River, New Mexico after a relaxing and rejuvenating getaway with my wife (sans Jackson the Amazing Rolling-in-Feces Dog). When I get back in town, I'll look in the standings and either we're in the playoffs or we're not. If we're in the playoffs, I'll make the trek to the store for a case of low carb beer for what is hopefully a long playoff run. If not, then I didn't have to endure my Sox self-destructing and losing the lead that, at this time, September 20th they're holding onto by only a half a game.

That's 12 days and counting.

"Aw, j3, you're not going to support your beloved Sox?"

"And you consider yourself a true fan?"

"You're a coward."

"It's just a game."

Yeah, that's fine. I'll catch some flack, but you know what, don't question my loyalty to the Sox. It's because I'm a true fan that I'm taking precautions. Because I know how much it stings. I know how frustrating it is. I would contend that the people who say I'm not a true fan because I feel such anxiety are not true fans. They don't know nothing about this. I just decided I'm going to try something new this year.

Now, I'm soliciting the support of my loved ones, friends, Spankee fans, Sox fans, an Oriole fan, co-workers and so on.

1. PLEASE DO NOT TELL/EMAIL/FAX ME THE SCORE, THE STANDINGS OR THE RESULTS FROM LAST NIGHT'S GAME.
2. PLEASE DO NOT TEASE ME FOR GOING ON MY DIET.
3. IN THE CASE THAT THE SOX DO NOT MAKE IT INTO THE PLAYOFFS, PLEASE DO NOT BADGER ME UNTIL AFTER OCTOBER 2ND. LIKEWISE, IF THEY DO NOT MAKE INTO THE PLAYOFFS, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DOWNFALL OF THE 2005 RED SOX.

Until October 3rd, you can just assume that I don't even know what baseball is.

The diet begins today. Sox have a half game lead on the Spanks with 12 games to go.

THE SOX AND LESSONS IN "BLOWING IT"

Lead is down to half a game over the Spanks. It could get brutal over the next couple of weeks. Luckily for me, I'll be far away from cable television on the last weekend of the season as the Spanks come to town for the last three games of the season. I'd be lying if I said I'm confident my team will make the playoffs. Hey, it's the Sawx. They know how to lose.

Anyhow, it's early, I'm getting my coffee on and then going to make way to work.

See below for the promised Katrina post.

Geez, Dallas gives up two touchdowns in the last 4 minutes to lose to the Skins, 14-13. Sucks to be a Cowboys fan.

And the network wanted you to believe that the Giants fans were cheering the Saints as they made way into the Meadowlands, but I heard the boos when New Orleans took the field. Proof that New York sports fans are not as classy as some would want to believe.

JAX AND THE GRASS HE ROLLED IN

I think anyone would agree that Jax is a wonderfully handsome and, might I say, picturesque kanine. And, from those that have met our beloved Jackson, they might also agree that's he's exceptionally bright and studious. And, even though he's been slacking on the family diet (turning in only an eighth of a pound against my fourteen), he's a wonderful companion and is quite the entertainer.

However, at a recent visit to my grandparents' crib in the beautiful metro of Lubbock, Texas, Jax guided himself on a tour of JD's wonderful backyard. On this tour around the perimeter of the yard, Jax discovered something in the grass. Something which appealed greatly to the young beagle. At which point he flopped on this back and began to roll around and rub his face in the grass. We laughed from our vantage point near the house. "Oh, look at Jackson rolling around out there!"



"He really seems to be enjoying himself." "I say!" His rolling continued for a number of minutes and then I became a little concerned. Was something biting him? Is he in pain? So I cautiously approached the dog flopping around in the grass. And much to my horror, I discovered Jackson rolling on top of a, now completely smeared, pile of doggie twinkies.



It was all over his back, his neck, his belly, his head. And he smelled of a baby's diaper. I pulled him over close to the hose and asked my grandfather to please help me hose him down but my grandfather, in pity for the poor dog refused and, instead hosed down a pair of old boxer shorts and told me to use the boxers instead to wipe him down. It was horrible. Needless to say, it didn't cut it. I got him cleaned up, but I now have proof that Jackson is not as bright as we thought he was. That or he's just a dog. And dog's roll in feces at times.

Who would've thought?

THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP

Yeah, we supportin' H-Town. Everyone go and buy the new Paul Wall record "The People's Champ" at your local Hastings. A guy with this much platinum in his grill must be doing something right. Now, let's make sure he gets some platinum on his walls now.

C'mon, homie, we major.

THE GREAT J3 WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

So I started a diet the two weeks ago. My wife's got me on it and, let me tell you, as reluctant as I've always been to such practices (c'mon, man, I like to eat), but after reviewing some recent photos and my widening shadow (people can freaking picnic in my shadow now), I decided to finally step up with my wife by my side and shed some freaking pounds.

My daily eating schedule:

BREAKFAST
Two eggs, no salt.
Half an orange.
Two cups of coffee (hey, I need my caffeine).

LUNCH
Grilled chicken, no salt.
Spinach.
Peanuts.
Light dressing.

DINNER
Taco meat, no salt.
Two corn tortillas.
Homemade salsa (onion, cilantro, tomato, jalepeno, garlic).

During the course of the day, NO COKES, NO SWEETS, NO SALTS, NO EATING AFTER 7PM, EXERCISE IN THE EVENING, 120 OZ OF WATER.

First week I lost down to 8 pounds, but netted 5 pounds lost. This week, I'm down to 228 from 240. That's in two weeks. Never thought it was possible, but I'm actually kicking serious ass. At this rate, I'll weigh 210 in about 6 weeks--a weight I haven't seen since about 16 years old. We'll see. I won't lie, it's tough as hell, but I've gotten my kicks over the last 28 years so 8 weeks of intense dieting can't be that tough.

Gary Busey ain't got nuttin' on me. I'm the Willie Aames of this muddah.

JAMES BROWN TAKES HORRIBLE MUGSHOTS

Just an observation. I know, most people don't, but these aren't even funny. I mean, these are downright creepy. Disturbing.

First, let's look at the hardest working man in showbiz before it hit the fan:


So young, so flashy. He's got that look like he's ready to take on the world. He feels good.



Here he is. Years later. Looks like he got his tail whooped in a street brawl. He's got that look like he's ready to take on another bottle of liquor.



Here he is in his latest mugshot. Again, looks like someone kicked him mugged him and left him to die. Looks like the hardest man in showbiz done got worked. He's got that look in his eye like he's ready to take his medication and take a nice long nap.

Don't be James Brown. Stay clean, stay outta trouble and have a good Thursday.

YOU CAN'T LOSE WITH A WYRICK IN THE STANDS

Proof?

Bro Bro Todd travels up to Oakland to see the A's square off against the Mariners. Oakland goes into the bottom of the ninth inning down 3-7 to the Mariners. They won on a bases loaded walk, 8-7. Five runs scored in the bottom of the ninth. The last time they accomplished such a feat was in 1954. Good going, Todd. You've got a gift, my friend. Now, I gotta get him tickets to the Sox/Spanks series in the Bronx this weekend.



And in "what comes around goes around" news, Jay Payton, former Sox outfielder who demanded to be traded scored the winning run off of former Spankee reliever, Jeff Nelson, who almost broke his hand on the face of a Red Sox grounds keeper in a brawl last year at the Fen.

It's a sickness. I know.

And Todd saw the HOMELESS SIGN OF THE YEAR (possible the century) crossing a bridge in the Bay Area. I have to agree with him. I suppose when you've been poor for long enough, you've fully crafted you're game. I assume that you come to terms with being homeless and poor and recognize the stigma that comes with homeless folks in the inner city and you'd be better off with a funny sign rather than a desperate sign. So dig this:

FAMILY KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS
NEED MONEY FOR KARATE LESSONS.

I'd give him two bucks for the laugh alone, ten for a picture with him.

Long-winded Katrina post coming--complete with pictures.

LATE NIGHT DATE WITH KATRINA

When I got home from my walk around 9:00pm Sunday night, my wife and I watched the news as Katrina made her way directly toward New Orleans. My wife said, "We better get gas." I agreed. Apparently, we were the only bellringers in the neighborhood because there was almost no one up at the pumps. We returned and I sat down and began looking for a webcam online. Whaddya know, I found five different cameras in operation as the storm neared. All of them took still shots every 2 minutes and one had a live stream which was called "Parade Cam" because it was situated on the side of the restaraunt with a direct shot of the street where parades would make their way down during Mardi Gras. Another camera was overlooking the bridge crossing the river while another was situated high above French Quarter. As Katrina made it's way closer to land, we were given the stunning images below. Taken from above French Quarter:

3:00: Rain, wind. Katrina heads in.


3:15: Rain begins to intensify.


3:30: A full blown hurricane.


3:30: "Parade" when the hurricane arrives. Grim outlook.


4:00: "Parade" just minutes from losing transmission, darkness sets in.


Below is the entire chat beginning at 10:30 or so between my bro bro and myself. I was going to stay up all night to watch the arrival of Katrina, however, I eventually grew tired right around 4:30 and gave in to sleep. Todd, on the west coast and two hours behind, gave up shortly thereafter. Wuss.

Enjoy, if you so choose to endure this long meaningless chat. I suppose I'm doing it more for logging this somewhere.

Sarah & Todd says:20-ft storm surge? That's insane!

Sarah & Todd says:haha

j3 says:yeah...incredible.

Sarah & Todd says:just in case the cane changes course and hums over to LA

j3 says:i really fear for those new orleans folks...

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding. have you ever been there?

j3 says:nah...wanted to here and there, but never made it there.

Sarah & Todd says:it's a dump. if this thing hits as hard as they're sayign it will, it's gonna be a huge loss.

j3 says:could be a mess on the other side of this storm...actually, undoubtedbly a mess.

j3 says:hey, did you check the blog? did you recognize pharrel?

Sarah & Todd says:i mean, historically, there's some cool stuff, but there's a LOT of homeless and VERY poor folks there that are up a creek without a paddle.

Sarah & Todd says:hold on.

Sarah & Todd says:whoa...check out the cam.

Sarah & Todd says:sustained winds at 160mph

j3 says:the parade cam?

j3 says:looks pretty calm right now.

Sarah & Todd says:just saw a patrol car go by with lights flying.

j3 says:white suburban?

Sarah & Todd says:holy crap...if this thing hits (yeah) N.O could be under water for 6 months!

j3 says:http://www.nola.com/fqcam/

j3 says:i just happened to click on this with a streak of lightning.

j3 says:it's gone now.

j3 says:dude, my fascination with weather is in overdrive right now.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding! i'm lovin it!

j3 says:i mean, i hate the pending disaster, but when mother nature strikes, sometimes all you can do is just watch.

Sarah & Todd says:i just got off a freakin' island where i could see 5 shooting stars in 15 minutes and the milky way to boot and i'm just rollin now!

j3 says:serious.

j3 says:i think it's pretty awesome to see NO dark and quiet...

j3 says:just fascinating to me to see human kind running for cover because of nature's incredible power.

j3 says:like "get the hell outta here!"

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding

j3 says:hold on.

j3 says:i'll be back in a couple of minutes...empty the dryer.

Sarah & Todd says:agiht

Sarah & Todd says:BurbouCam is out of commission.

Sarah & Todd says:nice rap hands, spock.

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:cubbies highlights.

j3 says:zambrano's triple...

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:go man.

j3 says:go man

j3 says:that's freaking awesome.

j3 says:i really like zambrano as much as a headcase as he is.

Sarah & Todd says:he's really calmed down a lot this year.

Sarah & Todd says:i think having maddux there has been huge for him.

j3 says:yeah, i can see that.

Sarah & Todd says:used to be that he'd give up one or two runs and it'd be all downhill from there.

Sarah & Todd says:now, he's unflappable on most nights.

j3 says:fox news has a great cam showing the waves hitting the land.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...that's where i'm at.

j3 says:i call that pulling a "lowe"

Sarah & Todd says:lowe's been a dumper this year.

j3 says:ooh, they're talking about the graves above land.

Sarah & Todd says:did that guy just say, "sick as hell"?

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...that'd be ugly.

j3 says:i don't know...i'm going between there and sportscenter.

Sarah & Todd says:pre-apocalypse.

j3 says:i think i'll lbe up all night.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah

j3 says:i'm recalling vincent price's monologue on "thriller"

Sarah & Todd says:me too...supposed to hit at 5am...that's 3am for me...i might just do it.

j3 says:another car going down the street on the parade cam..."LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!"

j3 says:they like flew by at 60 mph...

j3 says:that was funny.

Sarah & Todd says:MAKE DA DIRKLE! MAKE DA DIRKLE!

j3 says: j3 says:not understanding the reference.

j3 says:like the guy that just woke up from his hard night out and realizes that everyone's left town...

Sarah & Todd says:that cd that i played for you...the comedian. Cajun--translate "make the circle"

j3 says:oh!!!!!! hahahah...

Sarah & Todd says:dat dere dah devil swamp road!

j3 says:difference between a 4 and a 5...

j3 says:says this man: it's liek the difference between getting run over by a eighteen wheeler and getting run over by a freight train.

Sarah & Todd says:geez...brutal.

j3 says:yeah, he then said, "yeah, neither result is very favorable."

j3 says:line of the evening.

j3 says:sox highlights coming up.

Sarah & Todd says:kind of like would you rather burn to death or drown?

Sarah & Todd says:um...i'll take life for 200, bob.

j3 says:yeah..

Sarah & Todd says:hey, we may hit Price is Right on Sept 21.

j3 says:geez...jason's still juicing.

j3 says:that was like a fly ball that almost cleared the upper deck.

Sarah & Todd says:big group from fuller...guaranteed to get somebody on tv!

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...the juice is loose.

j3 says:dude, just tap it out there...you're attracting the wrong kinda attention.

Sarah & Todd says:roid rage.

j3 says:haha.

Sarah & Todd says:maybe he'll do the world a favor and kill ARod.

j3 says:yeah, in some sort of locker room horseplay like mice and men.

j3 says:like he was just putting him in a playful headlock and off pops a-rod's melon...

j3 says:"wha happuned?"

j3 says:"jeter, wha did i doo?"

j3 says:jeeta! wha did i do?

j3 says:alux, say sumthin.

j3 says:say sumthin.

j3 says:man, kanye killed on his vma performance...w/ jamie foxx.j3 says:it was nice.

j3 says:otherwise a laughable show...

j3 says:kanye's gonna make us some money on tuesday...

Sarah & Todd says:awesome...i'm gonna have to catch a rebroadcast.

j3 says:just saw a patrol car with lights go by.

Sarah & Todd says:nice.

j3 says:those pics from the superdome were incredible.

j3 says:all those people.

j3 says:gotta feel bad for them...no transportation.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding.

j3 says:and here's this news camera filming them like "look at all the poor people."

j3 says:wish they had a cam in there, though..

j3 says:i gotta wonder what that's gonna be like.

j3 says:i can't imagine sleeping in stadium seats.

j3 says:ouch...

Sarah & Todd says:geez...like on hotel rwanda with all the stupid whitees riding off the bus to their big homes saying "good bye poor people oppressed by civil war...we'll see you on the news...can you pose for a picutre?

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding.

j3 says:yeah.

j3 says:haven't seen it.

Sarah & Todd says:man...it's great. Don Cheadle rocks that role

j3 says:yeah, we saw crash light night...he was awesome in it.

j3 says:otherwise a somewhat forgettable movie.

j3 says:i was stoked to see it, but then was left unfulfilled.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...i want to see it. it's in LA, yes?

j3 says:yeah...i'll tell you this, great premise...

j3 says:but the dialogue about race was just so goofy...

j3 says:you'll see what i mean.

Sarah & Todd says:unfortunate.

Sarah & Todd says:saw red eye the other night.

j3 says:yeah, i'm all about people getting better at race relations but some of the lines in there to "paint the picture of bigotry" (i'm quoting myself) were dumb...like NO ONE WOULD SAY THAT TO A BLACK GUY!

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...bad writing...gotta be believable.

j3 says:and ludacris is like a pro-black car thief...what the?

Sarah & Todd says:like something from Blazing Saddles or something.

j3 says:yeah, i think it was written by a white guy.

Sarah & Todd says:well, he took the role.

j3 says:yeah, true...

j3 says:just trying to work on his acting chops, i think.

Sarah & Todd says:hopefully

j3 says:i think ludacris is awfully talented, but that movie did him no justice at all.

Sarah & Todd says:man...salvation army with 50 rolling kitchens ready to roll.

Sarah & Todd says:wind is picking up on teh camj3 says:if i was down in NO, i would streak in front of the parade cam.

j3 says:yeah it is...

Sarah & Todd says:hahaha

j3 says:looked like the camera was gettin ga little rattled at times...

Sarah & Todd says:you'd need a magnifying glass straped to your crotch...might make you run funny.

j3 says:i kinda want to know where this camera is situated...it's like, i wanna meet this camera...like he's my buddy...

j3 says:biatch.

Sarah & Todd says:sorry...couldn't resist.

j3 says:15 inches of rain...i can't comprehend...

j3 says:that'd be close to 20 feet of snow.

Sarah & Todd says:did you find an online calc. to make that number?

j3 says:no...built in calculator.

j3 says:remember, i'm a weather fan.

Sarah & Todd says:indeed

j3 says:like tonight, there was a storm making it's way into amarillo.

j3 says:and we went to the store to get groceries...

j3 says:i told erin, "it's totally going to miss us."

j3 says:she said, "that huge storm?"

j3 says:"yeah, going to miss us altogether."

j3 says:"no way!"

j3 says:"yep"

j3 says:two hours later, not a drop of rain...thing did a u-turn and headed back to colorado...well, not exactly...

j3 says:but it just died.

j3 says:another patrol car...

j3 says:going after a streaker i think.

Sarah & Todd says:was that you?

j3 says:nah.

j3 says:oh, starting a diet this week.

j3 says:better pray for me.

j3 says:it's gonna be tough.

\j3 says:red meat and veggies for the first three days...

j3 says:and lots of water...

Sarah & Todd says:whoa...rough.

j3 says:of course, i found a diet online that said that biker crank was okay...thank god.

j3 says:kidding

j3 says:don't knwo what i'm getting mysefl into...dude, i weigh 240 pounds!

j3 says:i gotta trim down...seriously.

Sarah & Todd says:me too...i'm at 225

j3 says:my tits weigh about 60.

Sarah & Todd says:not happy at all.

j3 says:yeah, two eggs and half an orange for breakfast...

Sarah & Todd says:***fattah baby, you're the one...you makah fat-time a so much fun!**

j3 says:salad and chicken and light dressing for lunch..

.j3 says:and a reasonable dinner...

j3 says:i already got my dinner's figured out...

j3 says:two corn tortillas crisped....

j3 says:1/4 pound of meat, lightly seasoned no salt.

j3 says:lettuce...

j3 says:and homemade salsa with no preservatives.

Sarah & Todd says:sweet

.j3 says:i'm permitted low calorie beer...

Sarah & Todd says:i still need you to send me some salsa recipes.

j3 says:i'm not drinking any cokes...

j3 says:erin said, low calorie beer or diet coke...

j3 says:uh, beer.

Sarah & Todd says:nice.

j3 says:2 liters of water a day.

j3 says:2.5 mile walk in the evenings...four times a week.

Sarah & Todd says:had a michelob lager tonight...hawaiian buddy brought it over while we cooked steaks...not good...not bad.

j3 says:and some good sweaty yard work.

j3 says:yeah, it's still michelob...

Sarah & Todd says:good for you. i'm gonna get back in the gym.

Sarah & Todd says:indeed it is...it ain't shiner.

j3 says:yeah, i'm staying away from the gym...i hate that place.

Sarah & Todd says:i like dah shiner

j3 says:shiner blonde is an exquisite beer...

j3 says:shiner light doesn't work on the diet...

Sarah & Todd says:mine ain't too bad.

j3 says:there's like 140 calories.

Sarah & Todd says:gym that is.

j3 says:i just feel like a hamster in there...

j3 says:i like getting out and walking...

j3 says:jax doesn't like it when i go walking because he's like, "oh crap, forrest wants to walk."

Sarah & Todd says:hahah

j3 says:i'm out for like an hour and a half.

Sarah & Todd says:nice.

j3 says:i wore sweat pants today...increase the water loss.

Sarah & Todd says:i just get up there to lift and maybe do some rowing stuff.

j3 says:dude, i just got into madden 2000 today...

j3 says:i'm so behind.

Sarah & Todd says:dehydration doesn't equal weight loss.

Sarah & Todd says:hahah

j3 says:i know....trust me, i drink me some water...

Sarah & Todd says:i'm really wantin' NCAA 2006

Sarah & Todd says:i'm sure

j3 says:i was like, "amazing! it's like madden's commenting on my game and the graphics are insane!"

Sarah & Todd says:hahahaha

j3 says:historic calamity.

Sarah & Todd says:i was about to say the same thing.

Sarah & Todd says:great line

j3 says:that's what the guy just said.

j3 says:yeah...

Sarah & Todd says:caught that.

j3 says:so yeah, my goal is to lose 30 pounds by end of the year...i think it's achievable.

Sarah & Todd says:i wish that thing would blow off right now.

j3 says:i told erin i want to lose my boobies...

j3 says:that's my goal.

j3 says:that dish?

Sarah & Todd says:holy crap...that dish would reap havoc!

j3 says:yeah...

Sarah & Todd says:ha...40mph...he's in for a rude awakening.

j3 says:i want the traditional man-leaning-into-the-hurricane shot...no hurricane coverage is complete without the rookie meterologist putting all of his weight into a wind yelling, "katie, the wind's really whipping right now!"

Sarah & Todd says:indeed

Sarah & Todd says:i just want to hear "katie" say, "yeah...idiot...why don't you get back in the truck"

j3 says:haha...freakin rook.

Sarah & Todd says:oooh...video phone coverage...a hurricane staple

Sarah & Todd says:girl shut up..."the school's just stringing us along on a wire right now"...like the school knows if it will even be standing tomorrow night.

j3 says:chesapeake...that's where i'd be.

Sarah & Todd says:haha

j3 says:hahaha...yeah.

j3 says:dude, my computer cam is better than this footage.

Sarah & Todd says:Tulane's downtown...12 ft below sea level...it's toast.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah.

j3 says:i wanna see one of these trees go down.

Sarah & Todd says:all of a sudden that light in the upper left corner gets real clear.

j3 says:is awfully quiet down here right now.

Sarah & Todd says:"gettin' real quiet here right now"

j3 says:duh.

Sarah & Todd says:haha

j3 says:yeah...blinding light from the upper left corner.

j3 says:yeah, going in front of my street cam.

j3 says:yep, we found this guy streaking.

j3 says:whoa, waves looking huge...

Sarah & Todd says:gettin' bigger

Sarah & Todd says:they need wipers on these webcams

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:i wanna be around when the power goes out...

j3 says:see those lights go out...then all the sudden no cam.

Sarah & Todd says:static......................................................................................................................................

j3 says:wait, that wasn't a cop car.

Sarah & Todd says:"Go BIlly! GO!

j3 says:see a guy carrying a tv go across the camview.

j3 says:freakin looters.

Sarah & Todd says:another woman who was not so lucky...she was running without legs...

j3 says:i feel like i'm the only one watching this cam...

j3 says:dude, high winds...

j3 says:gusting pretty good.

j3 says:pretty good view of the storm though...i'm gonna check the building tops and bridge view.

Sarah & Todd says:i just keep getting stills on those.

Sarah & Todd says:send me a link

j3 says:http://www.nola.com/fqcam/

j3 says:http://www.nola.com/bridgecam/

j3 says:i'm trying to find others.

j3 says:oh yeah, sorry, they're just stills.

j3 says:no video.

j3 says:i keep trying to find video...i'll search some more.

Sarah & Todd says:here in few hours there will be a big black spot where that bridge is.

j3 says:yeah, that's what i'm thinking.

Sarah & Todd says:geez...brutal line

Sarah & Todd says:Die hards will die...hard.

j3 says:wishful thinking: i hope these things are on generators.

j3 says:brutal lline...we need to compile quotables from this storm.

j3 says:i guess we could just save this conversation.

j3 says:i'm going to check on erin...

j3 says:be back.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah

Sarah & Todd says:man...french quarter totally gone.

Sarah & Todd says:$1000 for a plane ticket? are you kidding me? i guess that's one way to make sure the rich folks stay alive.

Sarah & Todd says:is the bridge elect out?

j3 says:i missed that, what's the deal?

j3 says:erin was like,"are you really going to stay up all night?"

j3 says:i said, "for a front row seat for the storm of the century, no doubt."

j3 says:tomorrow will most likely suck.

j3 says:there i go in a cop car...

Sarah & Todd says:indeed

Sarah & Todd says:did you check the bridge stills?

j3 says:geez...

j3 says:what the?

j3 says:the warning lights are still on...the red lights on top.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...no lights

j3 says:whoa...getting bad.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...parade picking up

Sarah & Todd says:this may be one of the greatest nights of storm viewing in Wyrick Bros. history.

j3 says:i say...

j3 says:wouldn't miss it for the world.

Sarah & Todd says:no doubt.

Sarah & Todd says:oh crap...i'm looking at 4 am bedtime.

j3 says:i'm looking at staying up all night.

j3 says:figure it's a small price to pay against what some people are going through right now.

Sarah & Todd says:oooo...biloxi...i stayed one night there...ate at denny's...breakfast skillet.

Sarah & Todd says:true

Sarah & Todd says:do you hear this guy trying to sound cajun?

Sarah & Todd says:New Ahlins.

Sarah & Todd says:it's Nahlins.

Sarah & Todd says:what a dope.

j3 says:yeah...

Sarah & Todd says:"idiotic"

j3 says:i'm starting to save the images...every 15 minutes...from the bridge to the building top.

j3 says:so i can get a progressive picture.

Sarah & Todd says:good thinkin

j3 says:lights just went out on parade...

j3 says:we just went dark on the otherside of the street.

Sarah & Todd says:yep

Sarah & Todd says:great...geraldo

j3 says:haha.

j3 says:big glops of water on the camera...

Sarah & Todd says:"conversion kit"

j3 says:haha...

Sarah & Todd says:he's an ass

j3 says:i agrree.

Sarah & Todd says:thank you for your sympathy, Major

Sarah & Todd says:he's gonna go down on the phone.

j3 says:"whoa, we got debris!"

Sarah & Todd says:wait till the alley cat flies down Parade.

Sarah & Todd says:is "copy fine" good etiquette?

Sarah & Todd says:"incredible disaster"

j3 says:i just think it'd be funny if some guy all the sudden a guy comes into view with a towel, wipes off the camera, gives a thumbs up and winks and then disappears.

j3 says:geez...wind.

Sarah & Todd says:hahahhaahaha

Sarah & Todd says:whao....i just lost the cam

Sarah & Todd says:oh...stupid real network

j3 says:yeah...

Sarah & Todd says:we're back live on Parade

j3 says:i just did too...back on...

Sarah & Todd says:mmmm...prostate cancer

Sarah & Todd says:whoa! wind much?

Sarah & Todd says:green light.

j3 says:man...

j3 says:not a cop car.

Sarah & Todd says:Billy

j3 says:"we gotta billy."

Sarah & Todd says:is he in a t-shirt?

j3 says:yeah, REAL professional, buddy.

j3 says:and nice ballcap...c'mon, man, you're working for a newscast...where's your jacket...

Sarah & Todd says:totally

Sarah & Todd says:red...bright red

j3 says:uh oh.

j3 says:that view is awesome.

Sarah & Todd says:which one?

Sarah & Todd says:low res.

j3 says:with the waves...i can't get over that...

Sarah & Todd says:cmon fox

Sarah & Todd says:wow...this guy's a genius..."a lot of water in NO"

Sarah & Todd says:ummm...big bags of sand.

Sarah & Todd says:interesting how everybody and their dog starts praying when there's a storm.

Sarah & Todd says:oh man...great shot!

j3 says:didn't see it.

Sarah & Todd says:wow...people literally dying to get out of NO

j3 says:yeah, i'm not surprised...

Sarah & Todd says:i swear...i keep getting timed out all of a sudden on my parade cam

j3 says:cgheck out this girl.l

j3 says:did you see her?

Sarah & Todd says:where?

j3 says:wait when they go back to the bridge...

j3 says:it'll be in a while...

Sarah & Todd says:on fox?

j3 says:but that shot at the superdome where they're panning along the line of people...

j3 says:be on the lookout...

Sarah & Todd says:alright...what am i looking for?

j3 says:this girl throws her hands in the air like, "take a pic of my poor ass! go ahead, make it last longer."

Sarah & Todd says:nice.

Sarah & Todd says:are you having trouble with timeouts on Parade St.?

j3 says:man, they were about to show it.

j3 says:no...

j3 says:i'm not.

j3 says:i like watching the traffic lights...

j3 says:watch fox...

Sarah & Todd says:bouncing around

Sarah & Todd says:"we send good thoughts your way"...trite

j3 says:yeah, what's taht about?

Sarah & Todd says:"Hey! Thanks for your good thoughts...i'll store them up for a rainy day...crap for brains!"

j3 says:hahaha...nice.

Sarah & Todd says:"For 24-hour coverage of lives destroyed, watch Fox!"

j3 says:did she say hurricane kneviel?

j3 says:double, uh, bad news.

Sarah & Todd says:double bad news for ...uh...alot of people

Sarah & Todd says:nice

j3 says:whoa...tree branch about to hit the parade cam

Sarah & Todd says:highest point = still screwed.

j3 says:whoa, bad rain on parade....

Sarah & Todd says:"are you telling me that you're going to go directly against conventional wisdom and empiracal data?"

j3 says:two patrol cars down parade...

Sarah & Todd says:loading

Sarah & Todd says:why did this guy call fox?

j3 says:i don't know...

j3 says:he acts like they called him and woke him up.

j3 says:yeah, you're going to avoid that water until the entire atlantic ocean is in the street.

Sarah & Todd says:or in your living room

j3 says:man, things are getting exciting on parade...still having problems?

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...off and on

Sarah & Todd says:but getting some good shots right now

Sarah & Todd says:windy

j3 says:branches to the right are getting close.

j3 says:another streaker.

j3 says:imagine that has to be kinda eerie driving around...

Sarah & Todd says:oh, you konw it.

j3 says:sir, could you please move out of view of the camera...you're making viewing difficult.

Sarah & Todd says:"unprecedented event"

j3 says:that might've been our streaker he just picked up.

Sarah & Todd says:that quote will be all over destruction montages tomorrow.

j3 says:"killer katrina"

j3 says:like "rocky raccoon"

j3 says:"sexy sadie"

j3 says:man, that satillite view is incredible.

Sarah & Todd says:Take it upstairs...great line

Sarah & Todd says:can you refer to law enforcement as "cops" on national news coverage?

Sarah & Todd says:overuse of the phrase "busting out"

Sarah & Todd says:and "swing it over here, Ted"

j3 says:hahaha...

Sarah & Todd says:this guy is just slang city!

j3 says:ted, ted...can you, ted...ted...

Sarah & Todd says:ted? ted?...are you there, Ted?

j3 says:yeah, i heard our local guy say "cops" and "bucks" instead of "police officer" and "dollars" the other day.

Sarah & Todd says:that's bad journalism

j3 says:yeah, "bucks" is awful.

j3 says:i was like, dude, act like you're not an amarillo anchorman.

j3 says:spanked

Sarah & Todd says:***spinning camera shot leading away from planet earth accompanied by screams of anguish from Ted***

Sarah & Todd says:"spanked"?

j3 says:hahaha...

Sarah & Todd says:...man.

j3 says:little jog

Sarah & Todd says:thinaks mike

Sarah & Todd says:'bout 17

j3 says:17 mph?

Sarah & Todd says:this people are sissies!

Sarah & Todd says:he's full of it

Sarah & Todd says:...man

j3 says:that's not 17...

Sarah & Todd says:nothin' to sneeze at

j3 says:that's easily 40...

Sarah & Todd says:"what are the COPS sayin'?"

Sarah & Todd says:big wig police chief

Sarah & Todd says:hahhahahahahhaha

j3 says:street cops, man.

j3 says:haha...

Sarah & Todd says:street cops

j3 says:haha...that's so funny.

j3 says:dude, what's this guys name....

Sarah & Todd says:this guy just talked himself out of a job

j3 says:gotta record this name.

Sarah & Todd says:maybe maybe

j3 says:i smell geraldo's replacement.

Sarah & Todd says:ted? give me a number.

j3 says:pointing at the camera.

Sarah & Todd says:kid

j3 says:haha.

Sarah & Todd says:absolutely crazy

j3 says:cops ticked off.

Sarah & Todd says:cops ticked off

j3 says:stupid things...

Sarah & Todd says:people do stupid thing

j3 says:stupid people out here surfing.

Sarah & Todd says:orlando

j3 says:missed his name...orlando?

Sarah & Todd says:the blessed Orlando

Sarah & Todd says:never to be seen again

j3 says:hahaha...i hope not...i'd love to see him again.

j3 says:that was entertaining.

j3 says:mad entertaining.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding...that guy's great!

j3 says:dude, what the? this guys' calling from jackson mississippi?

Sarah & Todd says:we gotta get Ted on camera

j3 says:that's like four hours inland.

Sarah & Todd says:can we call in a request to FoxNews?

j3 says:well, at least two...

j3 says:geez...building top photo amazing...

Sarah & Todd says:this guy's no more than 80 lbs soppin' wet.

Sarah & Todd says:bridge cam...now

j3 says:check out bridge...

j3 says:it's out...

j3 says:dude...insane...

Sarah & Todd says:just water

j3 says:hahah...

Sarah & Todd says:awesome!

j3 says:that's not good.

j3 says:i totally saved that image.

Sarah & Todd says:sweet

j3 says:keep watching...

j3 says:i'm going to prepare for an evening on the couch.

Sarah & Todd says:this is the "New Ahlins" guy

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:we gotta find a biloxi cam...

Sarah & Todd says:inundated

j3 says:i wonder if there is one.

Sarah & Todd says:go for it.

Sarah & Todd says:woww...parade

Sarah & Todd says:man...W got a tan!

j3 says:didn't see it.

j3 says:must've been a nice vacation.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah..."vacation"

Sarah & Todd says:ORLANDO!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah & Todd says:swing that baby that way, Ted

j3 says:i'm tellin you....this guy's getting more entertaining every time.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding

Sarah & Todd says:well, Orlando...go secure it, moron

Sarah & Todd says:turn the damn light down, ted

j3 says:ananometer

Sarah & Todd says:10 mph

Sarah & Todd says:thanks for the glare ted

j3 says:it's because you're standing on the side of a building you twerp.

Sarah & Todd says:stupid

Sarah & Todd says:wow

Sarah & Todd says:that tree is comin down in the next 3 hours

j3 says:yeah, it is...

j3 says:oops, famous last words...

Sarah & Todd says:hunker down

Sarah & Todd says:shuck and jive

j3 says:they think this might not be as bad as some people first believed..

j3 says:i heard that.

Sarah & Todd says:now they're "officers"

j3 says:check with the cops in the streets, man...they know what's up.

Sarah & Todd says:givin' props to the producer...brownie points

Sarah & Todd says:busting out

j3 says:i'm going to check back two weeks from now on teh karaokecam...

Sarah & Todd says:"but we're stayin!"

Sarah & Todd says:cops

Sarah & Todd says:hahaha

j3 says:that's awesome...you can watch drunk people sing karaoke all night.

Sarah & Todd says:haha

j3 says:parade's gettin pretty hairy...

j3 says:i'm capturing stills on parade...started at 1:00.

Sarah & Todd says:sweet

j3 says:parade's officially out.

j3 says:sorry, i mean bridge...

j3 says:no recovery there...although it looks like lights are back on.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...but they'd have to have somebody wipe that thing off

j3 says:i'd like to see a tree on parade snap in half.

j3 says:hmm, pudding time...

j3 says:better now because in the morning it's diet time.

Sarah & Todd says:true

j3 says:david blaine on TLC...at least here he is.

Sarah & Todd says:not here...cars

j3 says:okay...he just pulled a diamond out of some ladies wedding ring with his mouth...swallowed it and pushed it out of his eye.

Sarah & Todd says:holy crap...that guy's amazing

j3 says:now he's picking on glen rice with card tricks.

Sarah & Todd says:hahah....fox news commercial

Sarah & Todd says:tv sucks

j3 says:okay, he just tore a card in half and it caught on fire.

j3 says:hmm...

j3 says:he could make millions off of just doing tricks on a street corner.

j3 says:this guys just bought a three lottery tickets and david gave him a gold coin and told him to throw 2 of them away...

j3 says:dude scratches off the one in his hand and wins 1600 bucks...

j3 says:what the?

Sarah & Todd says:he needs to come do magic for me.

j3 says:hahaha...

j3 says:serious.

j3 says:oh yeah, puddin time.

Sarah & Todd says:hey, i think i'm gonna go to price is right on the 21st.

j3 says:walks like cosby to the kitchen.

j3 says:word?

j3 says:tell me more on the other side of puddin.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...25 fuller students...1 guaranteed to get on the bidding row

Sarah & Todd says:New Ahlins

Sarah & Todd says:idiot...Biloxi is in MS.

j3 says:biloxi lousiana?

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:what the?

j3 says:that's weird...

j3 says:must be canadian

Sarah & Todd says:wow...did you see parade?

Sarah & Todd says:slow moving rape van on the street on the back.

Sarah & Todd says:blue flasher.

j3 says:ha

Sarah & Todd says:light that is.

j3 says:rjackson alabama...

j3 says:new york florida.

Sarah & Todd says:MS

j3 says:i know...

Sarah & Todd says:dilirium is setting in...kinda like the 2000 election

Sarah & Todd says:wowow...rape fan

Sarah & Todd says:van...sorry.

j3 says:ha

Sarah & Todd says:that came out wayyyyyy wrong

j3 says:i'm certainly not a rape fan.

Sarah & Todd says:nor am i

Sarah & Todd says:"thanks again for the kind thoughts"

Sarah & Todd says:"i really feel like thier serving a practical need here"

j3 says:haha...

j3 says:bring back orlando

j3 says:you know he's going to get progressively more hilarious during the evening.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding...they need to fly him to the french quarter asap

j3 says:that'd be nice if someone set up a news van right infront of parade's camera

Sarah & Todd says:man...i don't know what we're gonna do if parade gets knocked out...i'll really feel empty inside

j3 says:i was just thinking that...

j3 says:like you're stranded...

j3 says:like you're in the middle of the storm.

j3 says:like this is the view from my periscope.

Sarah & Todd says:yeah...lost at sea

Sarah & Todd says:"but we are sure that you are screwed"

j3 says:i just want to see what's it's mounted on.

Sarah & Todd says:do you think these news people just sit there between breaks and make up cool ways to tease their coverage?

Sarah & Todd says:i think the only way we'll see it is if it shows up on camera...upside down

j3 says:yeah...

j3 says:that'd be rad for my timeline...

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding.

j3 says:here's the camera at 3:00...and it's facing the sky

j3 says:i want to have a photo right when it becomes a river.

Sarah & Todd says:man...getting nasty down there right now

Sarah & Todd says:hahaha

Sarah & Todd says:still can't get over teh bridge cam

Sarah & Todd says:ORLANDO!

j3 says:hell yeah.

j3 says:spanked.

Sarah & Todd says:what if a tornado came right down on top of him and sucked him right up

j3 says:swing it over that way, ted.

j2 says:i would miss him...i have to say i'd miss him.

Sarah & Todd says:ted...focus on me please

Sarah & Todd says:me too

j3 says:cop.

Sarah & Todd says:all eyes on me

j3 says:did you see that last shot...orlando flinching against the wind with his finger in his ear?

j3 says:that's how i'll remember him.

Sarah & Todd says:man...i hope that we see him more tonight

j3 says:did you see that hummer? what the?

Sarah & Todd says:yeah.

Sarah & Todd says:no kidding.

Sarah & Todd says:cane patrol

Sarah & Todd says:parade

j3 says:yeah, you were all: i hate this guy...

j3 says:i'm tellin you, orlando's the man...

j3 says:these other chumps don't know what's going on, man...

Sarah & Todd says:i didn't hate him, i just celebrated his "uniqueness"

j3 says:the cops know, man. alright, man?

Sarah & Todd says:wow...look at parade

Sarah & Todd says:we may lose her

Sarah & Todd says:only 20000 in the SuperDome? you gotta get more than that.

Sarah & Todd says:can you imagine the security risks at the superdome?

j3 says:oh geez...like you don't know.

j3 says:i feel like our parade camera is the best kept secret...

Sarah & Todd says:"you've been through hurricanes, you konw how it goes"

Sarah & Todd says:indeed...you should call fox

j3 says:especially after seeing this crappy pixelation.

j3says:i just sent like three emails into fox news.

j3 says:with the link to parade...we're taking her worldwide...

Sarah & Todd says:cmon little parade...let's show em what we got

j3 says:oh, i thought they were going to cut to parade.

j3 says:i signed it j3

Sarah & Todd says:nicej3 says:oh to hear them say j3 on fox news.

j3 says:power outage at parade...that bright light's gone.

Sarah & Todd says:man...i've got a feeling that the next time we get a good hurricane, we're going to hear, "and now let's take it out to our Fox Senior Weather Correspondant...the Amazing Orlando"

Sarah & Todd says:owwow...parade

j3 says:hunker down.

j3 says:i say bring back orlando whenever.

j3 says:http://cityguide.aol.com/neworleans/entertainment/venue.adp?sbid=105692052

j3 says:that's our location.

j3 says:and that light is probably the intersection of napoleon and st. charles.

.j3 says:dude, if i was on...i'd be freakin stoked...

j3 says:i'd be like, "yo wassup, fox...put orlando on, put orlando on!"

Sarah & Todd says:"you've seen weather occurences before...unlike the rest of us who pretty much never see the weather do anything"

Sarah & Todd says:orlando in the hizzy!

Sarah & Todd says:impending death

j3 says:i wish i knew someone down in NO so i could get them to wipe off the camera.

Sarah & Todd says:yes!

j3 says:i love that rain in the eyes look.

Sarah & Todd says:one eye open

Sarah & Todd says:just focus on teh light

j3 says:couple of billies...

j3 says:i really loved his "here are the true heroes" thing when he turned the camera on his crew...

Sarah & Todd says:yum yum

j3 says:that was so awkward because they were just standing there all like, "orlando, what the hell are you doin?"

j3 says:erin just came out..."what are you doiin?"

j3 says:uh, what i said i was gonna do.

j3says:parade still has all this footage beat.

Sarah & Todd says:yep

j3 says:i'm on the couch now.

j3 says:laying down with a pillow.

j3 says:dude, i'm going to leave my notification sound on, but i'm going ot close my eyes for a second...let me know if you see anything crazy hapen

Sarah & Todd says:aight

j3 says:i gotta get just a few moment's of sleep.

Sarah & Todd says:i may fade here in a few.

Sarah & Todd says:but i'll let you know first

j3 says:this thing is like a foot from my head .

j3 says:aight.

Sarah & Todd says:whoha...check that rain

j3 says:yeah...

Sarah & Todd says:nice

j3 says:poweroutage at parade.

Sarah & Todd says:oh man.

Sarah & Todd says:coming back on it looks like

Sarah & Todd says:woha...did you see that?

Sarah & Todd says:lightening and then nothing

j3 says:wild.

Sarah & Todd says:did you get to see it?

Sarah & Todd says:that was awesoem.

j3 says:yep.

j3 says:i was just about to close my eyes.

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:um

Sarah & Todd says:uhj

j3 says:uh.

Sarah & Todd says:uh

Sarah & Todd says:alright dude, i've gotta bail. i can't go anymore.

Sarah & Todd says:too tired from the weekend to stay up anymore

Sarah & Todd says:i'll be checking back in the morning though

Sarah & Todd says:talk at you tomorrow. it's been real and it's been fun, and it's even been real fun. laters

Sarah & Todd says:holy crap...we're getting movement on the parade cam

Sarah & Todd says:the cam is moving

Sarah & Todd says:you're totally out aren't you

Sarah & Todd says:well, some people just weren't cut out for the road.