Saturday, October 07, 2006


Joe, remember, that's not the universal sign of choking. How can we save you if you can't use the universal sign of choking? What Mr. Joe Torre is employing here is the universal sign of "What, I actually have to manage?!" Which is, unfortunately, for Joe and the entire Yankees squad something he realized after Kenny Rogers ran by and sprayed champagne in his face to wake him up from his sweet slumber in the Yankee dugout while his team did a tailspin to their ultimate demise. Remember, folks, to a jaded and mean Sox fan, there's only one thing greater than watching the Sox win and that's watching the Spanks lose. Which is something I had the distinct pleasure of watching yesterday as Bill's Detroit Tigers took the Spanks 3-1 in a best of five to advance to the league championship series.

It's important to remember that since my beloved Sox came back from a 0-3 deficit in the 2004 League Championship Series, the Spanks have managed an early exit the last two years--failing to win either of their opening rounds series. I'm not even going to whisper "curse" but, interestingly enough the Spanks haven't gone to the Series since they outspent the Sox for this pansy.

A-Rod managed to pinch off one hit going 1-14 in the series. And, in all of Torre's infinite wisdom, he drops Alexis to the 8-spot in the lineup. Maybe he was trying to inspire great baseball out of him. Maybe he was trying to set a record for highest paid 8-hitter ever. He would've been better off just pulling him all together because in his last 12 playoff games, the kid's only 4-41 with not one RBI. In fact, this Yankee offense that has been referred to as "Murderer's Row" was as scary as Peter Pan as they were held scoreless for 20 straight innings. What's hilarious about all of this is that A-Rod said, "This was probably the toughest year of my career. I stunk. The fans booed. I stunk more, and they booed more. It got pretty ugly.” Dude had a decent year, in fact, he had the sort of year that most teams would empty half a lineup for, but since the Yankees and their fans expect to win it all every year, a guy could have a decent year, but if he has no ring, he sucks. I personally thinks that he sucks because he's got no character, no heart and when it's crunch time, no talent. And this is the stud that everyone was trying to say was the ultimate stake through the Sox's heart in 2004. Guess that didn't pan out. Now the Yanks are looking to dump him for pitching. And Torre. Ha. Good luck. Ain't no one in the league dumb enough to pay those contracts. Therein lies another problem with overpaying dudes--you'll have to pay a portion of those inflated contracts long after their gone.

$198,000,000 is an extraordinary amount of cash. I mean, Eric hates me to bring up the salaries, but really, when the only other team still in the playoffs paying over hundred mill is the New York Mets and they just barely cracked that mark, the Spanks gotta be thinking is horribly wrong. Maybe it's because they've been outplayed the last two years by teams with more character, more of a team structure--the Spanks only have loyalty to their contract and some fantasy "Pinstripe Pride" notion that has gotten the organization nowhere. There's no chemistry, a flat-lining manager and owner and more money most Americans can even imagine. And with that sort of money, you can buy yourself a whole highlight reel, but you won't be able to buy a championship. I often catch myself saying "Yankees suck," and even really believing it, but the truth is they really are a fantastic team. I just hate them. So let's let the hate continue and join in if you know the words.

Jeter went 5-5 in the series opener. Too bad none of those hits were redeemable at game 2-4. Funny hearing the chants of MVP at Yankee Stadium because they really love this guy and anything he does is the best play in the history of baseball. The guy could catch a pop fly just behind the pitcher's mound and people would lose their mind at how amazing a play it was. And, next year, they'll forget about his failure to get the team anywhere near the Series for the third straight year. Jeter, what do you have to say about the Yankees' inability to hit Tiger pitching in the last two games of this series.

For once, this cat ain't got something to say. I don't think I've ever seen him speechless. He usually gives us his typical, "Uh, you know, they were outstanding. Their pitching was as good as we've seen it and we just didn't get the job done today, but we still have a chance and we're gonna have to go out and play the best baseball we can tomorrow." He's Georgie's cute little puppet who, to speak from his heart, would be a breach of contract so he does his conditioned, "I'm-a-good-sport" post-game interviews.

You know Jeter dreams of one day being able to grow facial hair, but ownership won't allow it. Well, at least he'll have more time this postseason to dedicate to getting his new Avon product off the ground. It's a stinky cologne called "Driven to Lose."

"Life Without Championships"

Don't know what Johnny "No Arm" Damon will be doing this offseason. Wait, I don't care. Although he sounded like he was going to cry when they were eliminated. He sounded really shook. Maybe it was fear of management. Maybe it was fear of the fans. Maybe it was second thoughts of leaving Boston. Not having fun anymore, Johnny? Welcome to Yankee Baseball!

And, not to take everything away from the Tigers. Man, whatta series they played. I thought it was funny hearing Jim Rome, after Game 1, when the Yankees won in Yankee Stadium 8-4 that the Series belongs to the Yankees and that it was series was "over" after one game. He'd make a better comedian than he would a sportscaster. Bonderman and Rogers were lights out against the Spanks and Tiger hitters just put on an absolute assault. Aggressive baseball. Leyland said early, "We're not afraid to fail." That's what ultimately gave them the edge because if there's one team that is afraid to fail, it's the Spanks. And, once again, they played like they were afraid of something.

Someone forgot to give Georgie his medication. You can always tell because he can't keep his mouth closed except for when he's swallowing. Poor guy. I don't even think he's realized that his team lost even this morning. Just break it to him easy and keep him on suicide watch. There's no telling what a cat might do after flushing another $200,000,000 down the toilet in payroll while shoveling $800,000,000 into a new ballpark that might ultimately kill the Yankee legacy. Why are they tearing down Yankee Stadium? Eric always speaks so highly of it.

I guess that leaves Wrigley and Fenway as the premier ballparks in the league. Fantastic.

My attempts to derail the local meteorologists have almost completely failed. They scored a 92 yesterday in, here, the sixth day of the seven day forecast. Man, it's embarrassing. I feel like I totally got schooled. One day left and we'll tally up their scores, but it looks like they met my challenge. They did say that there would be a hard freeze next Thursday. I predicted October 23rd. That might be my chance for redemption.

Breakfast time: cheesy eggs over bacon and chopped onions, smothered in salsa. Word 'em up.

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