BASEBALL SIMULATOR 1.000'S EQUIVALENT TO SAVING THE PRINCESS

Okay, I'll admit. I do not belong to the population segment known as "gamers." I don't have the latest system. In fact, I still play the original Nintendo, Genesis and, only occasionally, the original Playstation. That's just how I roll. In fact, I prefer all the games to be less realistic. The more moronic and computer-like, the better. It's just a matter of personal preference. So 16-bit graphics work great for me. You know the deal--real pimps use dot matrix. Well, Bro Bro and I used to stay up all night playing a game for original Nintendo called Baseball Simulator 1.000 (pronouced "one thousand" but really "one point zero zero zero"). It's really Mickey Mouse, but the simplicity of the game made it easy to pick up and, more importantly, put away. You didn't have to commit yourself to hours at a time. One game of nine innings would only take about 30 minutes to play. Now, we're talking about a game that altogether, I've been playing off and on for about 16 or 17 years. It just never gets old. Well, that is until last week.

Seems, that after years of continuous off/on usage, the game's finally make its farewell. And it's going out in grand fashion. It began with odd assortments of characters, numbers, shapes showing up randomly across the screen. I could live with it, I mean, after playing it for years, you can pretty easily focus beyond all the distractive elements popping up on the screen. But a Player by the name of Oooo. That's not a typo.

Here's a screen shot of what a normal Baseball Simulator 1.000 character looks like in the batters box. I know, pretty Mickey Mouse. Bro, all those weird shapes you see is evidence that the game is giving up. There's nothing left for this game to love in this world. He won't be with us much longer.

There's a few variations to the players in width and height, but that's really it. They're all white, they all wear horribly colored uniforms and each has the same follow through to their swings. One day, when getting the game set up to play and getting my lineup readied for the game, I noticed a player whose name I didn't recognize. His name was Oooo. He had a .000 batting average and had hit 00 homeruns. Normally, you don't want this guy anywhere near your team, but with a name like Oooo, I figured I'd let him live out a dream.

When he came up to bat, the mystery man only further confused. Here's what Oooo looked like:

That's him. That weird configuration of geometric shapes and colors. I thought, "Oh hell, this game's had it." And figured I'd go ahead and start digging the shallow grave in the backyard.

That is, until I saw this kid swing the bat.

In fact, he really didn't even swing the bat--the shape just moved. The result everytime, without fail, bet the ranch and throw in the Chevy, was a home run. And I'm not talking just a home run. I'm talking about one that, if to scale, I estimate would chart somewhere around 7000-9500 feet in distance. The ball would just disintegrate. Disappear. The game couldn't even follow it. You'd see it for a fraction of a second and then the word "Homerun" would just pop up on the screen.

How's this for a single game: 9 for 9 with 9 homeruns--5 of them were grand slams. Oooo would finish the night with a total of 29 RBIs in a single game. In fact, he had two grand slams in one inning. The final score of the game was 41-29. I kept having to let the opponent score just because once you take a 10-run lead, it calls the game to run-rule.

And his speed around the base path was nothing short of blinding. I estimate somewhere between 35 and 40 miles per hour.

Incredible. So incredible he had to be documented. I think I found the end of the game. It was like Truman plowing his sailboat through the backwall of his existence. It was a like the "break on through" that Jim Morrison sang about. It was a a simple baseball "simulator" that I've been playing for over half my life. And, finally, I've crossed the line of reason and feasibility. This kid was beyond amazing. He was unreal. I'll stack Oooo up against the greatest baseball players the gaming world has ever seen. Stack 'em up and shoot 'em down.

I've met greatness and his name is Oooo. And, trust me, he has well over 00 homeruns.